“I will,” I say.
And though it tears me apart, I don’t reach for him. I don’t deserve his comfort. I don’t deserve his pity, and I certainly don’t deserve his love.
But I’ll do this anyway, even if he never looks at me the same way again. Not just because I love him, although I do. But because it’s right. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from him, it’s to do the right thing no matter the personal cost. It was a hard lesson, a painful lesson, but it’s one I’ve finally learned.
I only hope it isn’t too late.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Ispend the rest of the Great Feast in Ronan’s living chamber recounting everything I know to Ronan’s most trusted advisors. Grand Vizier Cyrus, Typhon, and Queen Claudia, and also Quinn and Taran, who were both elevated to general in the last war and who will serve Ronan again in that capacity if this war can’t be stopped.
The reactions to my news are about as I expected. Cyrus generally seems unsurprised by my revelations, choosing to focus on the solutions to the problems I raise rather than the fact that I concealed the plans. Typhon is heartbroken by Larus’s betrayal most of all, although he does his best to conceal that fact. Queen Claudia is impressed with me for speaking up. She glowers at Ronan for his coolness towards me, but I take the entirety of the blame. This impresses her even further.
Quinn is furious, not just because I didn’t trust Ronan, but because I didn’t trust her. “After everything we’ve done together, everything I’ve done for you, and this is the way you repay me. Lies on lies on lies. That’s what I get for trusting a shadow-born. That’s what I get for trusting a Nithyrian.”
But it’s Taran who is the most upset, even though he carries it as quietly as ever. There are many betrayals between uspersonally and between our peoples, but the real reason he’s upset is because Ronan is upset. Because I’ve hurt Ronan, because through my inaction, I may have doomed us all to another war. Because Taran knows better than anyone what the last war cost Ronan. I don’t know if we’ll ever come back from this, even if Ronan finds it in his heart to forgive me.
Ronan, for his part, says little to me beyond what we need to discuss. I don’t blame him. His focus is on preserving his kingdom, and it’s my focus too. There are moments when I feel glimpses of his feelings: sadness, mostly, but some anger and even some of the love he felt for me before. But I don’t let it get my hopes up.
Love seldom fades quickly, even when you want it to.
I spend hours telling them every last detail, every person involved, every aspect of the plan that I know about. Ronan lays down the map, and I move the pieces into place, feeling sick as I watch it fill up once more. I don’t withhold anything, not even about Larus, as much as it hurts me to give him up. The fact that he’s been trying to help me stop it all wins him some support, especially from Typhon. I hope it’s enough to save him from whatever consequences are coming.
Quinn wants to send me away while they discuss what to do with us, but Ronan refuses her. “She’s here to help. Let her help.”
In the end, three possibilities are floated. The first is the military option. It involves accepting that war is inevitable and doing everything possible to gain the best advantage going into it. It would mean sailing the ships out of the harbor to flank Felix’s invading navy, declaring an end to the festival to get as many civilians out of the capital and away from the battlefields as possible before the siege, rounding up any Nithyrians that remain within Faros, calling the houses to arms, and focusing on the defense of the Gap, a strategic chokepoint where the city walls meet the River Mara.
Cyrus and Quinn support this option, Quinn mostly because it also entails immediately imprisoning Adria, and possibly me, and using us as leverage to try to get Seth to surrender quickly.
Then there’s the diplomatic option. That would involve bringing in Adria and Larus and attempting to negotiate with them, explaining that the war is unlikely to succeed without them, and possibly using them as leverage in a negotiation with Seth. Ronan suggests this option, mostly because he refuses to consider the military option.
“I will not declare war on my own people preemptively. No one is getting rounded up in the streets.”
“If you don’t do it, your people willdie, Ronan,” says Quinn. “You can’t have it all. There’s no reason for them to come to the table yet. They have a very good chance of winning, no matter what we do. Someone is going to die here, and I don’t want it to be us.”
Ronan looks around the room for other support. “Taran?”
Taran shakes his head slowly. “Quinn is right. They won’t negotiate. Why would they? They have everything where they want it.” He looks at me with his last sentence, and I can tell he doesn’t trust me, even after all that I’ve told them.
He’s probably the smartest person in this room.
Cyrus and Queen Claudia are also against Ronan’s solution. Even Typhon can’t bring himself to believe it’s a good idea, despite wanting to give Larus a chance. Then he turns to me. “What do you think? Would they negotiate? What wouldyoudo? You know them better than any of us. What would you do to stop this, if you had all of our resources at your disposal?”
I’ve given it a lot of thought, both before this meeting and during it. “I agree with the others that they won’t negotiate, not while they have a chance at victory.” I give him an apologetic look, but I don’t know if he feels anything from it because I can’t feel him anymore to know. I miss knowing what he was feelingso badly. “I’d prepare for war as quietly as possible without provoking Adria. I’d keep her imprisoned under false pretenses, anything to keep her from communicating without arousing her suspicions that she’s been found out, which could make her act out of desperation or cause some contingency to play out like the one my mother had.”
“Do you think that’s likely?” asks Cyrus. “She doesn’t seem much like your mother.”
“She isn’t, but she mentioned my mother’s plan to me the other day. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has one, although I can’t imagine who could be involved.” My eyes flash to Ronan. If she has any sort of contingency plan for the war, it almost certainly involves making sure he dies.
“What else?” Ronan asks, his voice strained.
I try to ignore how much it hurts to hear him hurting. I have to keep going. For him. “I’d send out some of the ships to try to flank the Third Navy, but I’d keep some around to defend the harbor and the Gap. I’d prepare for a siege by stockpiling whatever food is left from the festival and recruiting more guards under the cover of needing increased security for the Festivals of Night and Day. And then I’d send Larus out on a ship to negotiate with Felix. Felix has no particular loyalty to us. I believe, based on what I’ve been told about him, that he could be bought. You have more to offer him than we did. We gave him the promise of future wealth. You could offer him current wealth. Without his navy, my brother’s siege will fail in the desert, and he’ll be forced to surrender.”
They debate the details of my plan—who should go with Larus or whether he could be trusted to go at all, what they should offer Felix, whether it’s better to go ahead and call people to arms now or to wait until after the negotiations—but almost everyone appreciates the broad strokes of my idea, even Quinn and Taran.
In the end, we go with a modified version of my plan. They decide to confine Adria to her quarters along with me, under the pretense that threats have been made against our lives by someone at court with a grudge against Nithyrians. Quinn suggests working with one of the cooperating alchemists to try to find a way to suppress her magic, which Ronan reluctantly agrees to. Worse comes to worst, they can throw her in a fire-born cell in the dungeon. Those cells are isolated from the others to prevent the fire-born from burning the entire damn palace down.
When, at last, we seem to have exhausted everything I know and planned for every eventuality, I prepare to return to my quarters for confinement with my sister.
