He looks away. “A year or so into the war.”
“When my mother died?”
“Yes,” he says softly.
I turn his face to look at me. “Because my mother died?”
“Yes,” he says.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He had told me what happened with my father. Why conceal this? Why leave a secret between us?
“I thought you knew,” he says. “Or that you would have guessed.”
I should have guessed. “Adria said all of your guards died. All except Taran.”
Ronan leads us to a stone bench at the end of the alley. He takes off his hat but keeps Soren’s face.
“There were many terrible days during the war. Some of them…some are hard to even think about, even now. But that was one of the worst.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” I say. But I can sense there’s a part of him that wants to talk about this. That wants to remember it, given that he still wears Soren’s face.
Ronan sits for a long moment before he speaks. “My guards aren’t just my guards, as I’m sure you’ve seen by now. They’re my friends. They were my father’s friends, people I had known all my life. They all died that day. Not on the battlefield, not in a blaze of glory. But defending me. It’s what they were sworn to do. It’s what they trained their whole lives for. But to hear it happen to them one by one? To watch my light flicker into nothing in the shadows, leaving me blind to what was happening, the only sound their dying screams? That was the worst day of my life. The worst day until the day my father died. Until the day your father died.”
Shadow nullifying light. Or light nullifying shadow. That’s how it’s supposed to work.
But not mine. Not ours. Ours seem to strengthen each other somehow.
My mother’s shadows could have stopped his light, though. The shadows of her men did.
Gods, we’d taken so much from him. We’d taken so much from each other.
No more.
“After everything, I can’t believe you didn’t hate us all. How could you even think of giving me a chance?”
“I did hate you. For years, I hated every last one of you. But it’s like I told you. I’m trying to change things. And having you around makes it all the easier. You’re different, Sylvie. You’re not to blame for any of what happened.”
“I’m not different,” I tell Ronan. I can’t lie to him any longer. Whatever it costs me, whatever it costs my family, I can’t let this continue. I can’t let Adria and Seth have their war, and I can’t count on myself and Larus to be able to stop them. Not when they’re my parents’ children. I know now what my parents were capable of, and I know Adria and Seth are just the same.
I will not let this kingdom go to war for the sake of the love I have for my brother and sister. For the love I have for Larus and all of the rest of our House.
I will not let this kingdom go to war for my sake.
I’m so sorry, Ronan. I love you, and that’s why I have to break your heart.
“I’ve been lying to you. I’ve lied to you since we got here. We did come to kill you. I know you know that. And I know you know it changed for me, but it didn’t change for Adria. I thought I could stop her, but I can’t. And it’s worse than that. We weren’t just trying to kill you. Adria and Seth are planning a war. An invasion. An infiltration and siege, by land and sea. I’ve delayed it; I’m trying to stop it—”
“What?” Ronan sits upright, dropping Soren’s face. “Sylvie, if this is some kind of a joke—”
“Why would I joke about this? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I thought I could stop it. I tried. I didn’t want them to die.” I wipe away guilty tears, furious with myself for crying when this is my fault. “I didn’t want to lose anyone else. But I already lost them. I don’t want anyone else to die for my family. I don’t want to see Adria on the throne. I don’t want anotherwar, even if they lose. I’ll tell you everything. Everything I know. Ronan, please. Please believe me. I need you to believe me.”
He isn’t looking at me. He’s staring at the ground, completely frozen. And I can’t feel him. I can’t feel a single thing coming from him. It’s like we’re nowhere near each other.
It’s like he’s walked away from me.
“Ronan?”
“Let’s go,” he says. He doesn’t reach for me. “I’ll convene the war council. I need you to tell them exactly what you’ve told me. And anything you can think of that could be useful. That could stop this.”
