I made this choice.
My hands still shake as I work, but I push through.
I have to.
CHAPTER 18
Carys
I bolt awake,rivulets of sweat dripping down my back, my heart racing. The sneering face of a former private guard—one before Tiernan and Callum—refuses to leave my mind long after the dream fades away. I can still feel his vice grip around my wrist as he dragged me to my bedchamber, Iywan in pursuit, shouting for him to release me. At thirteen years old, I hadn’t understood why someone would want to hurt me because of what he considered to be my parents’ misdeeds.
The guard barricaded us in my bedchamber. He threatened to slaughterme if the queen didn’t give him whatever had been promised to his family. Even now, I don’t understand what had been promised. Thankfully, he never had the chance to do anything beyond bruising my wrists.
Iywan and the Queen’s Guard broke down the door and pulled the corrupt guard away. Ellynne was there in the aftermath, before my mother arrived and deemed me brave.
“Nothing happened,” my mother repeated over and over. She gently pressed her cool hand to my forehead, and for a while, I convinced myself that I really could forget it all. But all I managed to do was blur the lines between what really happened and what I fabricated in my distressed mind.
My mother ordered his public flogging and execution for thehighest treason.
I watched. Every moment. And I endured nights riddled by terrible dreams, despite telling myself that he’d deserved all of it.
I press my bare feet into the ground and fight to pull myself out of the past. Standing shakily, I grapple for the long cord beside my bed to pull the house bell.
When I draw back the curtains, the sky is bleeding with the first light of day. My door creaks open. Finally.
“Carys? Early call this morning.” Ellynne’s voice is still heavy with sleep, her red hair disheveled as though she’d rolled right out of bed and ran here.
I stare at her, wanting to say something—to apologize, maybe—but there’s a boulder in my throat. I swallow forcefully.
“Oh, sweet girl,” Ellynne says with a poor-dear expression on her face. She pulls her hair back, wrestling it into a messy bun and hurriedly tying a ribbon around it. “Nightmare?”
Sighing, I rub my hand over my face. “Dermot.”
Ellynne blanches, her lips a thin line.
Dermot taught me that even personnel considered trustworthy could betray me. A sheen of sweat coats my skin. “I could use a bath.”
“I’ve already called for one to be prepared,” Ellynne says gently. “Lowri’s supervising. Give them ten minutes,alright?”
Ellynne is always one step ahead of me; I can’t imagine what I’d do without her. “I’ll be having breakfast with the Grounder girl,” I tell Ellynne. “Could you have the kitchens send it over to her bedchamber?”
“Herbedchamber?”
I nod.
“Alright. I will. Let me just get a dress out for you,” she says. She rummages through my wardrobe, her voice coming faintly from within. “Any dress in particular you’d like to wear today?”
“It doesn’t matter.” I flop onto my bed and sigh deeply. It’s hard to get rid of the uneasy churning in my gut.
“How about this one?” Ellynne holds up a cerulean dress. She lightly presses her fingers to her temple and feigns a dazed expression. “With this dress you will hold all the courage and wisdom required to tackle the day.”
I roll my eyes. “That’s fine, Ellynne.”
Ellynne hangs the dress and begins laying out accessories to match. “Alright, while they work on the bath situation, I’ll get the message to the kitchen. I’ll be right back.”
Anxiety keeps my tongue all tied up. There’s a council meeting today. I have so many concerns regarding the realm, so many questions. The reports I get from Alys are vastly different from the renditions that council members present at the table. Then there are the bits of information I recently learned from Durvla … How do those fit in?
A knock comes from my adjoining bath chamber just as Ellynne returns. “Bath’s ready!” Lowri calls from behind the door. Her small voice barely makes it through the oak.
