Kilkenny swears and aggressively swipes his hair from his forehead. “Gods, you have an annoyingly good memory, but you’re lookingat this too black and white. It’s much more complex. Remember how Carys mentioned something about the solace of dusk? Think of that. There’s something that can be comforting about your powers.”
Comforting? I scoff.
“Being a Basduun does not automatically mean that you crave power. You’re not like that. Your personality isn’t going to change just because you’re aware that you possess these gifts.”
“Gifts…” Laughter swells in my throat even as tears threaten to spill. I turn my face away, but Kilkenny tilts his head back into my view, and it takes all my control not to shove him and walk away.
“I’ve waited to see if your shadow wielding would unintentionally manifest again like it did in Paramount, or when those headhunters attacked us a while back.”
It’s happenedmore than onceand I didn’t even notice? My heart pounds, cold sweat beading on my back.
“I was waiting for the right time to tell you. I was hoping that you would come to terms with the dreamwalking, but I never expected the daywalking. You were already so unnerved by the powers you knew existed. I didn’t want to add to your plate.”
“What’s new?” I say. No one ever wants toadd to my plate. “I don’t want this. Any of this!” I sign so hard that when I jab my finger at my chest, it hurts.
I’ve spent my entire life keeping my emotions obscured. The last thing I ever wanted to do was draw attention to myself, so I shoved everything down into the deepest recesses of my being until it became second nature to hold back. Drawing attention to this ridiculous Undesirable label forced upon me was too dangerous. So, I played the hardworking botanist, the one who sacrificed the little free time she had to make deliveries to Ballybaeg. I played the dutiful dressmaker in Paramount, the passive young woman who allows secrets aboutherselfto be kept from her. Theassetto the rebellion.
But I’ve had enough.
Anger and frustration ambush me, thrashing against barriers of self-control that I’ve taken years to build. I want to scream until I can’t anymore, to hit something, to cry. I need to get away, but Kilkenny starts toward me again as soon as I turn.
No!I swing my hand toward him, and the fury inside of me breaks through.
A black shadow arcs from my hand. Kilkenny flies backward, landing a short distance away. His hands take the brunt of the fall, and pain sparks on his face.
I clutch my left hand to my chest as it heaves with panicked breaths. “I’m sorry!”
It takes me a moment before I run toward him. I plop down in the grass beside him at the same moment as Alys does. Osheen and Chiyo come running. My heart matches their pace. As frustrated as I am, I didn’t mean to hurt Kilkenny. What if it happens again? What if I hurt more people? If I lose control … Dark clouds swirl around my knees.
Dark clouds… of death. Of destruction. Shadow wielding is malevolent. What good could come from it?Solaceis the antithesis of this power.
Haruka’s words loop in my mind.The name is literally translated from the old language as “death bringer.”
I’m adeath bringer.
I jump up and step back quickly, my chest heaving more. Every muscle in my body is pulled too tightly.
“I’m fine,” Kilkenny signs, getting to his feet again. He dusts off his hands and the back of his trousers. “I need you to calm down.” He walks toward me, and I keep my hand clutched to my chest as I take a few more steps back. More shadows swirl around me even as I keep my hands clasped. I will my powers to stop,will that wall to go back up, but nothing happens. Osheen’s fear is almost tangible.
Chiyo regards me as though I’m a wonder of the world. “Lugda’s hells, Durvla.”
Kilkenny glowers at her. “Not helping. Give her space.”
Iama Dark Mage.
A Shadow Wielder.
I try to steady my breathing. Closing my eyes, I step backward. The tingling in my fingers intensifies, but I clench my fists even harder. I don’t want this power. I don’t want any of it.Wind whips around me, tugging free coils from my braids onto my face. I stand my ground, eyes squeezed shut.
Please, Sunlagh, let this be a nightmare!
Swallowing my emotions, I shove them down deep inside, along with the shadows and whatever other sources of darkness lay dormant. I plop down in the grass and slam the door on those feelings. A moment later, there’s a gentle hand on my knee. “It’s me,” Kilkenny says into my mind. “I have your dampener.”
I open my eyes, and indeed, the bracelet dangles from its strings which are pinched between his fingers. My shoulders drop with relief. I take it, but the moment the leather circles my wrist, pressure forces its way into my head. I grit my teeth and yank it from my wrist, dropping it into the grass. “I can’t,” I whisper.
He nods. “Funny how that works, hmm? Once your body accepts your powers, it becomes harder and harder to smother them.” He smiles hesitantly before holding his hand out. I don’t take it, and he drops it to his side. “You have every right to be cross with me.”
“You’re damn right I do.”
