I disagree, I think it was trauma, but I don’t say that. “Didn’t you ever feel guilty, though, given that your mom was an addict?”
He shrugs. “Sometimes. But I’d convince myself that if someone decided to partake, that was their own decision. I wasn’t shoving drugs up their noses.”
A part of me knows I should be angry or look down on him for what he did, but I can’t find it in myself to do so. I just keep picturing him as a child, hungry and alone with no one to turn to. Manipulated by the man who ended up taking care of him—at least physically.
Bast’s eyes are glossy with unshed tears and full of the pain he’s been carrying around for his thirty-seven years.
“I know this probably changes how you see me, and I don’t blame you, but I needed you to know the truth. I needed you to know who I am before this goes any further. So, I guess the question is… do you still want me now that you know how fucked up I am?”
42
BASTION
Ican barely breathe as I wait for Hattie to respond. She studies my face, and I half wonder if she thinks I’m making up the whole thing. My hands are on her hips, so I squeeze them, trying to draw a response out of her. This waiting will be the end of me.
How did this woman take me from wanting to ruin her to making her my entire world?
A part of me thought I should make up some bullshit excuse about why we’re here and hide the truth from her. But I’m already hiding so many truths. If we stand any chance of moving forward, I have to give her honesty.
If she decides to reject me, I won’t take no for an answer. I won’t allow her to wreck me, and I’ll do everything to win her back, no matter how long it takes. She is mine whether she knows it or not.
“Say something, please.” I beg her to get rid of the crushing weight on my chest.
“Bast, I…” She shakes her head and opens her mouth, closing it right away.
Time to lay out all the emotions wreaking havoc on me because I can’t stand this clawing feeling in my chest any longer. The words still make that small boy inside me fear the reaction. Fear the power I’m giving to someone else to ruin me. But I know this emotion. I remember it from all those years ago. Sure, it’s on a different level with Hattie, but I’m still terrified to speak the words, even if it won’t change how much I’ll be shattered if she breaks me.
I bring a hand to her face, stroking her cheek. I open my mouth to say them, but the devil on my right says stop. Pushing through the doubt and trusting Hattie, I finally tell her. “Hattie, I love you.”
Her eyes widen, glistening with tears almost immediately.
“I tried not to, but god, you make it impossible. The person you are, the kindness and affection you offer with no conditions, no strings. It’s just the core of who you are. I’m in awe of you.”
Her eyes soften, and I really hope that means she’s going to forgive me for what I’ve told her so far. “Bast, I love you too.”
That’s all I need.
I bring my lips to hers, sinking into the kiss. She tastes like joy and mercy and freedom from the chains that have banded me all these years. As I cup her face, I’m overcome by how much this woman has absolutely wrecked me when I was the one out to wreck her.
I harden underneath her, which comes as no surprise. This woman never fails to turn me on with her mind, her body, and her spirit.
I grab the hem of her oversized T-shirt. We break our kiss only long enough to pull the fabric from between our bodies, then her hands are in my hair and she arches her back, offering herself to me. Her nipples are hard against my flesh, and I drag a hand over to one, gently stroking it with my thumb. She gasps, and I tear my lips from hers, kissing my way down her jawline, her neck, then her collarbone until I worship her with my mouth.
She holds my head to her breasts, fingers delved into my hair. “Bast, I need you.” Her voice is breathy and filled with desire.
Hattie reaches for the waistband of my sleep pants, and I help her guide them down enough that my dick springs free. Her small hand wraps around my length, and my eyes close when she strokes me, my head falling back against the headboard, enjoying the sensation. When I can’t take it any longer, I reach for her hips. With both hands, I rip her underwear apart, pull the ruined scrap of clothing out from between her legs, and toss it aside.
My fingers fit themselves between her legs. She’s soaked. She moans as I slowly stroke her clit. I bring my other hand to the back of her head, forcing her to look at me as I push two fingers into her warm pussy.
“You mean everything to me, Hattie. Never doubt that.” There’s a desperate note to my words.
I can’t ever let her find out the truth about who Carla is to me. I haven’t figured out how I’m going to handle that situation yet,but I’ll do what I need to in order to take the truth to my grave. She can never know because she’ll never forgive me.
“I love you, Bast.” She kisses me.
Hearing her say the words, knowing she means them, fills me with more joy than I ever thought I’d be afforded in this world.
I pull my fingers from her and fist the base of my dick. I don’t have to tell Hattie what to do. We’re a synchronized act by this point. She moves up then sinks down on me until I’m fully seated inside her. We gasp.
