Mike took a drink of cool water and placed his glass on the coffee table in front of him. “I was going to tell you this week,” he began, keeping his voice low.
Tommy said nothing, but those eyes never left Mike.
“Look, I put off telling you because I’ve had relationships in the past where as soon as they found out about the porn, they were outta there.”
Tommy’s eyes widened. “An’ right now, I don’t blame ’em.” He winced. “Porn? Mike, have you any ideahow that makes me feel? You… you have sex with guys for a living?”
All Mike could do was nod.
Tommy pressed his lips together, his gaze locked on Mike. “How long? Just how long have you been doin’ this? An’ how in the world did you get into this in the first place? ’Cause it’s not exactly a career choice that’s discussed at high school, is it?” His chest heaved, and his breathing quickened.
“Remember I told you I worked at Backstreet?” Tommy nodded, and Mike pushed on. “I was twenty-three. Well, one night this guy starts hitting on me. He was gorgeous, cute, sexy, and I was flattered because I’d seen him in porn movies. I couldn’t believe he was even talking to me. He sat in front of me all night, chatting away, flirting like crazy. Suddenly there’s this guy next to him—turns out he was a director for a porn studio—and he’s asking me if I wanna do porn. Just like that.”
Tommy nodded. “Go on.”
“I was saving up for a house, so the offer came at a really good time.”
Tommy stared at him. “That was it? You just said yes?”
Mike sighed. “I was twenty-three. I enjoyed having sex. I figured, why not get paid for doing something I loved?” He gave a shrug. “Then I started getting popular. Before long I had an endless supply of shoots and was able to buy this house.”
“I’m guessin’ you still love doin’ it, judgin’ from what I saw on the Internet.” Tommy shifted on the couch, gazing at the glass in his hand.
It took a moment for Tommy’s words to register. “Wait—what?”
Tommy swallowed hard. “It was bad enough when I found out about the… the porn. But watchin’ you on screen, that was….” He shuddered.
“What? Tell me what you were thinking.”
Tommy took a moment before responding. “I… I thought what we had was special. Somethin’ that only we shared.” He breathed deeply. “I close my eyes sometimes, an’ I can picture you in my mind, the way you look at me when… when you’re inside me. I can hear the sounds you make, the noises that tell me how much you’re lovin’ it….” Tommy closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them to look straight at Mike, his cheeks pink. “So imagine how I felt when I saw you… makin’ loveto someone else, that same look on your face, those same noises, the way you were touchin’ him.” He shook his head. “It was like a kick to my guts.”
Oh Christ.
Mike felt the blood drain from his face. “Baby, what we haveisspecial. Why’d you think I’ve waited so long before telling you? I couldn’t bear the thought of you walking out of my life.” He left his seat on the couch and knelt on the floor in front of Tommy. He wanted so badly to touch him, but it felt as if to do so might be a step too far for Tommy right then. “Tommy, why do you think I’m here? I don’t want to lose you. I… I love you.”
Tommy froze, his eyes locked on Mike. “You love me? A week ago, I’d have been dancin’ on the ceilin’ to hear those words, but now? Mike, you were makin’ love with another guy. Hundreds of guys, for all I know.”
“But that’s not real.” Mike leaned forward, itching to reach out and place his hand on Tommy’s knee.
“I saw it!” Tommy yelled. “There, on the screen.” He lunged to his feet, fists clenched, and began pacing around the couch. “So don’t you tell me it wasn’t real. Isawhow you looked at him! Like bein’ inside him felt so damn good. It could’ve beenmelying underneath you,mewhose ass you were slidin’ into—that’show real it was!” His eyes flashed. “An’ how do Iknow what you’re doin’ in the week when we don’t see each other? For all I know, you spend every night in a diff’rent guy’s bed.” He stopped pacing and stood at the back of the couch, his fingers digging into the seat cushion, staring wide eyed at Mike. “How do I know anything anymore? I just found out you’ve been lyin’ to me ever since we’ve been?—”
“Listen to me, baby.”
“Don’t you call me that! I heard you say that to him too.” Tommy bowed his head, his shoulders hunched over. “I don’t know what’s real anymore,” he said in a whisper.
Mike got up from the floor and walked around the couch to where Tommy stood, approaching him slowly, trying not to spook him. He came to a stop next to him, hands by his sides. “Tommy, look at me.” When he got no reaction, he edged closer. “Please, Tommy.”
Slowly, Tommy raised his chin and turned to face him.
Mike lowered his voice. “What we have is real. There is no one in my life but you. You hear me? No one. And it’s been like that since September. You are all that I want. What you see on that screen is not reality, it’s acting. Sex on set isnot real. You see me acting, with porn actors.” He held out his hand, palm up, and to his relief Tommy took it. Mike grasped his hand tightly. “Think about all the emotions an actor portrays on your TV screen or at the movies. You don’t think it’s real, do you?” Tommy shook his head. “Well, porn is no different. It’s all an act for the camera, so that people watching think we’re really in love, that I’m really lusting after my boss, that I have a thing for my straight best friend, et cetera, et cetera. I could go on and on, but I’m hoping you get it.” He clasped his other hand around Tommy’s. “Thisis real.Thisis love. And whatever else you believe, you can take this one to the bank. I fucking love you, Tommy Newsome, and I will do whatever it takes to convince you of that, because I cannot lose you.”
Tommy looked down at their joined hands in silence. Mike waited, his pulse racing, breath hitching. Finally Tommy slowly raised his head to gaze at him. “How do I know what’s real an’ what isn’t, Mike? I mean, how’d you expect me to tell the diff’rence? If I can watch you on screen an’ think it’s real, then how do I know that what I see when we’re makin’ love is real?”
Mike was shocked into stillness.How the fuck do I answer that?
Tommy was watching him and nodding. “You don’t have an answer for that one, huh?”
Mike stared at him, openmouthed, desperately searching for the right words. Tommy let out a sigh that seemed to come from someplace deep inside him.
