Mike stared at him, his gut clenching. He’d known it was coming, knew it couldn’t be avoided, but there in the quiet of his room, the prospect tightened his chest and quickened his breathing. “Okay,” he said with a nod.
“Only….” Jack indicated the lamp with a flick of his head. “Can we turn the light off?” He swallowed. “I’d rather we talked in the dark, if you don’t mind.”
His request sent Mike’s heart sinking. He could only guess at the pain Jack was experiencing—pain for which he had to take some of the blame. “Sure thing.” He flicked off the lamp and lay down, keeping a little distance between them. For a moment the silence was overwhelming. This was his friend, his former lover, and yet Mike had never felt so far apart from Jack.
How the hell do I start this?The last thing he wanted to do was to jump down Jack’s throat—again.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you.” Jack’s whisper crept out of the darkness. “I wanted to—God, how I wanted to—but the time never seemed right. I meant to call you six months ago when I got injured.”
Mike’s stomach churned. “What? What happened?” His breathing quickened. “Christ, Jack, youshould’vecalled me.” The awkwardness he’d felt vanished in a rush of concern for his ex. He shifted closer, feeling for him. His hand found Jack’s shoulder, and he gave it a light squeeze. “Hey. It’s okay. You’re here now, and we’re talking, right?” He realized Jack had the right idea; the darkness was a comfort. “Talk to me, Jack.” A moment’s silence and then firm fingers found his, their hands intertwined. The contact felt good, reassuring.
Jack sighed. “About a year ago, I got to thinking that I was done with the industry. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a good run, a pretty long career, but yeah, my star is definitely on the wane. More than once I’ve considered retiring.”
Mike could deal with that. “Yeah, I know that feeling.”
“You should—you’ve been in this game longer than me.”
Mike pushed out a low growl, no real menace in it, but something he knew would bring an unseen smile to Jack’s lips. He waited for his friend to continue.
“But then something happened. About six months ago, I got injured in a wrestling porn scene, and after that, getting regular work proved more and more difficult.”
Mike’s stomach clenched at the idea of Jack injured. “Was it bad?”
He felt rather than saw Jack’s shrug. “I saw the physical therapists, the chiropractors, and that was made easier with the settlement from the company. They were really awesome about it. Little by little, things improved, and although it was harder to pay the bills, I scraped by. Then… I met someone.” His voice brimmed with feeling. “Luca is… pretty special.”
Mike heard the unspoken words. “I can tell,” he said softly. Part of him was glad. Jack had spent so much time alone in recent years. It had hurt Mike just to see him every time he made the trek across the country to San Francisco where Jacklived. The nights he’d lain in bed with Jack in his arms, cradling him, telling him there was someone out there who was perfect for him—someone who would love everything about him. And then there were the long nights when Jack had wept in his arms, when another relationship failed because the newest love interest could not deal with Jack being HIV positive.
Kevin knew about Jack. Each time Mike told the bar staff that he was off to San Francisco, he’d joke that Mike was going to see his “West Coast hubby.” Mike would smile to himself at that. Throughout his whole career, all his relationships, there had always been Jack in the background. It had been rare for Mike to find a partner who’d understood that he wasn’t about to give up his relationship with Jack. There were a few friends that he curled up with on a regular basis, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t commit to one guy, like he did with Dirk. When the right guy came along—even when he thought it was the right guy—he was committed.
A thought struck him. When was the last time he’d curled up with one of his close friends? There’d been no one since Dino, back at the end of September.
Jack let out another soft sigh, bringing Mike back into the moment. “Luca lives in Seattle, and we’d been together barely two months when we started talking about moving in together—me moving there. Thing was, I did the math and realized how much the move would cost me. So when Rock Hard Men got in contact, wanting to run this bareback company idea past me, I jumped at the chance.” He fell silent for a moment. “God, the number of times I had the phone in my hand, about to call you to ask your opinion.”
“You could’ve called me, y’know.” Mike still couldn’t believe Jack had taken such a leap without speaking to him. Abandoning his principles like that….
“Yeah?” Jack removed his hand from Mike’s and shifted, until Mike could feel the heat radiating from Jack’s body. “And what would you have said, Mike?” He could feel Jack’s breath on his face.
Mike considered the question carefully. He’d really let it rip earlier, and he didn’t want to hurt Jack again. “I would have told you that it wasn’t something I could ever do, but that if you felt like it was whatyouneeded to do, and if you wanted to do it, then—” He swallowed. “—I’d have said do it, and do it well. And that I’d still love you.”
Silence. “Oh, Mike.”
A large yet gentle hand found Mike’s face. Jack’s breath was warm as he moved closer to take Mike’s mouth in a lingering kiss. Mike closed his eyes and lost himself in the memories evoked by that sweet embrace.
But that’s just it—memories.That was the past, not now.It doesn’t belong here in the present, not when I have Tommy.
The realization sent a flush of adrenaline tingling throughout his body. Tommy. He had Tommy, who was back in Atlanta, waiting for Mike to call him later that day, and here was Mike, kissing Jack….
When there were things that still needed to be said. Important things.
Mike took hold of Jack’s hand and gently pulled it away from his face, breaking their kiss. “Enough about you. Enough about me. There’s stuff we have to discuss.” He took a deep breath. “Tell me you’re looking out for your scene partners, Jack. Tell me you take goddamn Truvada every single fucking day. Tell me you’re at least looking for some sign thatthey’reon PrEP, and that you’re being careful.”
There was that overwhelming silence, and suddenly Mike had to see Jack’s face. He switched on the lamp and stared at his ex, blinking in the light. “We made promises to eachother, babe,” Mike said at last. “Remember? We promised that wherever we were, whomever we were filming with,wewould be the person on set who was taking care of everyone, making sure everyone was safe. ’Cause we knew we couldn’t rely on the studios to do it for us.”
Jack nodded. “Yes, I remember,” he whispered.
Mike studied him. “But we both know there are days when you’ve got an infection, and your viral load soars. What then, Jack, when you’re putting those around you at risk? Are you being careful then? Taking care of those you curl up with?”
Silence. Jack looked for all the world like he’d just taken a blow to the stomach. “You’re really asking me that?”
