Star looks at me, her silent gaze asking for the truth. I nod and smile tiredly. When Star reaches for my sister, I spot a lone tear running down Neaveh’s cheek as she gently takes her from me. Star lays her head on my sister’s shoulder and slips her thumb into her mouth. Something about seeing them together settles me. I already know that Nevaeh will keep her safe, which is good, because I need to do this next part alone.
“I need to do something before we go,” I say quietly, watching my daughter and sister together.
“I’ve got her. Do whatever you need to do,” Nevaeh offers.
I nod and start walking before I can change my mind. I reach the back of the house and stand still for a moment, gathering my courage, my thoughts a jumbled mess.
I jump when Ambros steps up beside me. “Anything I can help with?”
I shake my head, my eyes drifting to the patch of wildflowers. “I need to say goodbye to the rest of my children,” I whisper, stepping forward. I hear his sharp intake of air, but I keep walking, one foot in front of the other, before I stop and sit down.
“Hello, my darling boys.”
A soft breeze caresses my face in acknowledgment. Not knowing where to start, I open my mouth and sing instead, keeping my voice low so that only my boys can hear.
“Hush little babies don’t say a word, mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird…”
I sing until my voice cracks and the wind swirls around my hair like a halo. When the silence envelops me, I let it. So many things I want to say, and yet the words escape me. I can feel eyes on me, but still I sit in the quiet. I imagine another world where my children dance among the flowers, laughing and playing with their sister while I watch on with a serene smile.
“I’ll see you in my dreams,” I whisper, the bitter taste of regret on my tongue, the sharp claws of sorrow wrapped around my throat.
“I will love you always, and cherish every moment of the months I got to carry each of you, when you were just mine, and I was just yours. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you.”
I hiccup, my tears coming thick and fast. “I hope you can find peace now.” I kiss the tips of my fingers before pressing them to the earth, hoping the soil will absorb all the love from my bones.
A hand on my shoulder makes me jump.
“It’s just me. Ambros. It’s time.”
I look up at him, feeling the tears drip from my chin, as shivers rack my body. “What if they get scared without me? What if?—”
He tugs off his hoodie and slides it over my head. The smell of him permeates the fabric, wrapping itself around me like a hug.
“They’re not here anymore, sweetheart. They’re gone, and I think it’s time for you to go too. They’d want that, right? They’d want you to take Star away from this place?”
I swallow before glancing back at the flowers. I nod. Star’s brothers would want to protect her where I failed. “Yeah, they’d want that.”
He helps me to my feet, walks me over to his car, and helps me in. I look over at Star, who Nevaeh straps in, and reachfor her hand. She turns her head to look at me with so many questions in her eyes, but I don’t have the answers for her. Not yet.
A deep numbness starts to set in. One that even I know isn’t normal. I prayed for this day. I cried so many tears while I’d begged God for help, I thought he’d have needed to send an ark to rescue us. And yet I don’t feel any relief—no satisfaction at finally being found—no hope.
This is a good thing, the best thing for Star, and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure she gets through this. I want her to be a kid—running, laughing, flying. I’ll break my back to make sure she has that, but perhaps freedom has come fifteen years too late for me. My body might be free, but my heart will always be standing in the wildflowers with my boys.
Chapter One
CITI
Present day.
I tense at the knock on the door, even though I know who it is. Only one person knows I’m here. Still, I’m nothing but cautious. I might not be the smartest person in the room, but you can guarantee I’m always going to be the safest. I’ll make sure of it—for myself and my daughter.
“Star, go on upstairs to the bedroom for a second. Don’t come down unless I tell you to.”
She looks up at me from the coffee table, where she’s coloring a picture. Her eyes hold knowledge far beyond her years that haunts me almost as much as my nightmares.
She nods, grabs her unicorn, and runs upstairs without a fuss. Most people would be happy that their child is so compliant—never fussing or fighting, or throwing temper tantrums to get their way. Me, I’d give anything for her to have a meltdown over something as trivial as wanting a different colored cup or hating peas on Tuesdays. But Star learned the hard way that being a child didn’t buy her any favors, and it sure as shit didn’t offer her any protections.
I take a deep breath before peering out. Just like I thought, Havoc waits impatiently on the other side. It takes me a second to gather my courage, knowing he might not be alone. I don’t really believe he’d set me up, but like I said, old habits die hard.
