I turn to be greeted by her beaming smile. She’s excited about something.
‘Sorry, I thought you weren’t here,’ I say.
She puts an arm around my shoulder. ‘Now, I, well we, knowyou’ve been feeling a bit down lately about not fitting in and people being mean. So.’ She pauses for effect and pulls Daisy’s door wide open. ‘We have thrown you an early mini baby shower to show you how much we love you and baby to bits.’
I stare, stunned, at the decorated space Jackson is standing proudly in. There are two foil balloons bobbing by his head, one baby blue, one pastel pink, and there’s pink and blue paper bunting zigzagging across the hut. I step in as if I’m in a dream.
‘What do you think?’ Jackson asks eagerly.
Our little table is covered in a cloth with tiny yellow ducks on it. There’s a plate of mini cupcakes with swirly peaks of butter icing covered in metallic sprinkles and one of little heart-shaped gingerbread biscuits.
‘I know ginger is good for morning sickness, although you’ve been better with that lately,’ he says, offering the plate up to me.
I take one, but don’t raise it to my mouth. My heart feels like it’s about to crack in two. I lower myself onto the bench and grip it tight.
Reeni has grabbed a cupcake and she’s peeling the paper casing away. ‘Great surprise, hey? This is why I couldn’t make the shopping trip, but I couldn’t tell you.’
Jackson sits next to me and gives me a white paper bag. ‘I got this. I couldn’t resist.’ He grins at me as if everything in his world is rosy and I guess that’s because it is.
I smile back weakly and take out a little square package wrapped in crisp pale blue tissue paper covered in tiny silver stars. I unwrap the paper and hold up a perfect white Babygro withDaddy’s little starwritten across the front of it in yellow embroidery, and a tiny perfect daisy.
‘Isn’t it cute? Our baby will be that tiny when they’re born. Hard to imagine, isn’t it?’ he says, sounding like a proud parent already.
Before I even have a chance to take a breath Reeni has handed me another little tissue-wrapped gift.
‘I got this too,’ she says.
This time it’s tiny yellow booties laced with delicate white ribbons that I unwrap.
‘They’re so cute. I couldn’t resist. In fact, I could have bought the shop. Everything was so tiny and perfect.’
I’ve still not said a word because if I do I think I’ll dislodge the huge boulder filling my chest and then I won’t be able to control myself.
‘I did this too.’ Jackson is pulling something out from under the bench.
He puts it between us. It’s a keepsake box made from a light varnished wood and has a heart withJandEand4evaburnt into the top. An exact replica of what he’d scratched into the bench.
‘Oh,’ I manage to get out, then grind my teeth to keep the wail that’s building up inside me.
‘I thought you’d like it,’ he says. He sounds wounded and it adds another dagger to my heart.
He opens it and our scan picture is sitting inside.
I can’t hold it in any longer and I take a ragged breath as the tears finally begin to track down my face,
Both Jackson and Reeni come at me as one and I hold my hands up to keep them away.
‘I need to say something.’ My hand wobbles and I drop the Babygro and booties into the box hiding the scan. ‘I went for that appointment and …’ I keep my eyes trained on the floor. I can’t do this looking at them. ‘The baby’s not here anymore.’
‘Not where?’ says Jackson, puzzled.
My hands are really shaking now and I lock them together, my fingers intertwined. ‘She’s gone. They couldn’t find a heartbeat.’My voice is so quiet I can barely hear myself. Now I have to tell him why, but I don’t know how to start.
‘No heartbeat?’ he repeats, trying to make sense of my words. ‘But we heard it.’
‘I know we did.’ My voice wavers and I swallow. ‘But it’s not there now. They couldn’t find it.’ I look at him. ‘I’m sorry. It’s all my …’ but before I can finish, Reeni has her arms around me.
‘Oh Ellie. I’m so sorry.’ Reeni is rocking me in her arms. I press myself into her chest and tremors engulf my whole body. I look sideways at Jackson and he’s sat still, his skin pale and his eyes full of tears, pain etched across his face.
