I lift my hips so he can take off my underwear and he hovers over me, making sure we don’t touch.
‘Are you OK?’ He looks me straight in the eye.
I nod. ‘Yes,’ is all I can manage to say.
He dips his head and uses his tongue in circles, slowly, amplifying every sensation. His fingers dig into my hip and mine mirror the pressure as I grasp his shoulder. He looks up at me as he slips one and then two fingers inside me and when I don’t resist, he uses his tongue again, too. I arch to meet him. Our touch and movement has a confidence to it which was verylacking the last time we were naked together as kids. His tongue is unhurried and he knows exactly what he’s doing. The pressure is building and I moan and shift my hips sideways, pulling him up towards me. I don’t want to come on my own. I reach down to undo his jeans button and zip and run my hand the length of his erection. He sucks a breath in between his teeth. ‘Fuck, I want you.’
I hold him. ‘Have you got a condom?’
He shakes his head. ‘I didn’t expect to be doing this tonight.’
Tucked away, right at the back of the drawer in my bedside table, is the box I’m looking for. I hand Jackson one and he takes it and then hesitates, asking me without words again if this is OK. I push his empty hand towards the packet he’s holding in the other with a nod.
He stands to take off his jeans and boxers and I take him in my hand, moving up and down as he rips open the foil packet. Once it’s on, he kisses me softly and I wrap my legs around him to hug his body as he pushes into me, gently. I lift my hips to meet his and we move together. He buries his face in my neck as his rhythm increases and I nip at his shoulder, pushing myself upwards into him. I’m hot and wet and I want him. He groans and thrusts deeper, moving a hand under me to the small of my back.
The pressure builds and my mind flashes white as we arch into each other. His lips and tongue find mine and I tilt my hips one more time and gasp into him. He says my name and then collapses onto me, then rolls sideways and wraps his arms around me, pulling me to him. I curl my body to him, no gap between us as we lie on the bed. His heart is racing and it matches the beat of mine.
I trace my fingers lazily up the curves of his tattoo which wraps around his upper arm. ‘Did I tell you this is very sexy too?’
‘Hmm. Do you like it?’ He laughs and grabs at my handtracing his ink. ‘That tickles.’ Then he pulls my hand to his mouth and kisses my fingers. ‘I’m glad we found our way back to each other,’ he murmurs.
‘Me too.’ I lay my head down on his chest and it lifts and falls with his breathing, our fingers still entwined. ‘Will you stay?’
There’s a pause and then he shifts slightly so I have to move my head to look at him. There’s a grimace shadowing his face. ‘I don’t think I can. I should get back to Mum, in case anything happens. Milo’s there, but if something …’
I cradle his face. ‘It’s OK. You don’t have to explain. I understand.’ And I mean it. I do. His mum is important to him. She’s important to me too and I understand his need to go back to make sure she’s safe.
His fingertips run a pattern down my side. ‘Come with us tomorrow.’
‘Where to?’
‘We’re having lunch at the pub and then going on to the hospice. If I’m honest I don’t want to go, but it’s what Mum wants. Come too?’
‘Will your mum not mind? Is it not a family thing?’
‘Mum loves you. I think she’s always seen you as family since …’ Something flashes across his face, but we’re only lit by moonlight and that hampers my view. ‘She won’t mind you being there at all. Say you’ll come?’
I nod.
He pulls me back into him and tucks his face into the crook of my neck, breathing in my smell. It tickles and I giggle.
‘I thought you had to go?’
‘I do, but I might kiss you one more time to make sure this is real and not one of my dreams.’
And before I have time to ask exactly what dreams he’s talking about, he’s kissing me and all I can think about is the fact I loveJackson and I don’t know if there’s ever really been a time when I didn’t.
Seventeen Years Ago
I’m numb as I walk along the shoreline, heading for Daisy. My hands cradle my bump. I can’t believe this is happening to me. To us. And I fucking hate myself. My skin feels like it’s crawling with a million ants and I want to rip it off me, strip by strip. I want to hurt.
I pause outside the beach hut. There are two voices coming from inside. Shit. Jackson is here too. I haven’t even begun to work out how I tell him.
I swivel on the ball of my foot. I can’t do this now. Saying it out loud will make it real and I don’t know what words to use. How do I tell Jackson this is all my fault?
I take a step away and Reeni’s voice stops me.
‘Oi, where are you going?’
