I wondered how it would feel again to have her intimately. Not just a kiss, stolen and clearly regretted by her. But to have her in the way we both wanted—needed.
“I remember how deeply you love people,” I murmured quietly. “And maybe I was jealous because I knew for some reason you might never love me like that.”
81
Ivy
Icouldn’t breathe. Each time I tried to suck in air, it was tinged with his spicy scent.
The way he watched me reminded me too much of the way he’d stared at me during my magic explosion after Kerry’s death. I could still feel the way he’d held me, the tight protective barrier he’d been. The glue that’d somehow stopped me from falling apart completely.
And now, his words were like a balm to all the panicked, awful, insecure thoughts that ran through my head whenever he was around. They were too perfect, too raw and powerful. I suspected that if my magic were able to break free of the collar, it would be begging for his bond, and I might give in.
It would feel like a betrayal to every fear and promise I’d made to myself if I did. That wasn’t what he was asking of me now, I knew that. He wanted to prove to me that he could be worthy.
But could I really reconcile that with everything he’d done before?
“I will spend the rest of my years proving to you that I mean every word,” he said, barely a breath away from me. I shivered as he placed his hands either side of my hips on the counter, caging me against him. “I will beg on my knees for you every day if that would change how you see me.”
A lump formed in my throat, growing with each breath. “That’s a promise you can’t really keep, Hawk,” I said, voice small—unsure. Not because I didn’t believe my own words, but because the look in his eyes said otherwise.
Slowly, he shook his head. “That’s a promise Icankeep. It doesn’t matter if I get my memories back or not. Iwillmake this better.”
Goddess above, I didn’t want to believe him. That was the only truth I could be sure of. Because if I did believe him, if I allowed myself a chance to wonder what life could be like with him, and he realised it wasn’t whathewanted, then it would break me in a way I knew I wouldn’t fully recover from.
And yet, without my magic or bonds to influence me, I could also feel a trickle of hope filling my chest. A warmth thatwantedto believe him. Maybe Rowan’s theory about his mother’s intervention in Hawk’s memories had some weight, and itwasher that made him push me away.
But what if it wasn’t?That thought terrified me.
“I can’t let you hurt me,” I whispered. “Not again.”
Something cracked in his expression, a devastation I’d never seen from him before. “That is the last thing I want to do to you, Ivy,” he replied quietly, desperately. “Not now—not ever. I don’teverwant to hurt you.”
“Then why do you keep trying?”
It had to be the bond. Maybe he felt the pull more now. Maybe?—
“Because I’m in love with you,” he said firmly, his tone taking my breath away. “That is something I can’t lie about—would never lie about. I feel ithere.” He brought a hand to his chest, thumping his fist against his heart. “Every time I look at you, it fills with this undeniable warmth andhope. There is no one else who hasevermade me feel this way, Ivy. No one else who evercould. I have been yours in some way since the very beginning.Obsessed. I know that much. Sometimes when I close my eyes, when I dream of you, all I see is you, in this little green dress?—”
“What?” The green dress from the first ever family date night?
The night had started off so well. It’d been perfect. And then it all came crashing down after seeing Hawk in a bar with another female draped across his lap.
That was like a splash of icy water. Shaking my head, I tried to shove away from him, put some distance between us, but his arm went around my midsection, pulling me hard into his chest.
“What?” he asked, voice low. “What did I say?”
“That dress…” My voice came out hoarse, catching in my throat. “I wore that on a night out with the team,” I managed finally. “And then I found you in a bar. You had a woman on your lap, and all you did waslookat me. It was before the mate bond made itself known, but it…ithurt.”
Hawk made a pained sound in the back of his throat. “I remember something else from that night,” he said, sounding almost surprised. “I remember my apartment. And the shower. Not being able to get you off my mind.”
I stiffened. “That doesn’t mean anything,” I muttered, shoving at his arm. “Not from you, Hawk.”
His hold on me tightened. “I jacked off to the thought of you in that damned dress, Ivy,” he hissed against my ear. I went still, heart pounding. “Whenever I think about it, I go hard. Never understood why until now.” I felt his lips scrape against the shell of my ear, the movement sparking something within me. “You looked beautiful then, and you’re even more beautiful now.”
My belly fluttered with an all too familiar, traitorous feeling. I squeezed my thighs together against the tingling between them, especially when his mouth moved to my throat.
“I’ll give you anything you want,” he said. “Just don’t break me.”
