I squeeze my eyes shut.
His hand is on my arm. ‘We’re not together.’
A pain serrates the back of my head. ‘Are you talking about Ellen or me?’
He lifts his hand. ‘Well, neither. Me and you aren’t—’
‘Yeah, I’m well aware of that.’
I wait for him to say something, anything. He plays with the corner of his duvet.
‘Fuck this.’ I get up to go.
‘Sorry.’
The word stops me.
‘What for?’
‘I should’ve said about Ellen. She wants to talk and I don’t know how to say no.’
Leave!
He smiles. ‘Forgive me?’
Say no.
A crow screeches outside the window.
‘Yeah, sure. I get it.’ I run a hand through my hair.
‘If this is too much, we don’t have to…’
‘No, I don’t want to stop.’
‘But you know I can’t, like…this can’t be more? Not yet.’
The twist in the stomach is familiar, but no less painful. ‘Yeah, I know that. It’s just a bit of fun.’
He flinches. ‘That’s not fair. It’s more than that, but I’m just not ready.’
‘Yeah, Paul. I know.’
‘Promise you’ll say if you want to stop.’
‘I promise.’
‘Sweet.’ He comes over and gives me a hug. ‘I’m only meeting Ellen for a drink. We can meet after?’
I push down the ache in my stomach. ‘Sure.’
We kiss and I leave, ignoring what I know to be true. This is stupid, it’s causing me pain and I need to stop.
But I’m not sure I can.
I glance at Meg’s latest message as I leave Paul’s house.
I know what’s happening with the
