“Fuck off! This is no time for sarcasm,” my breaths were short and sharp as my hand settled against my chest. I dragged in one breath slowly after another. “What does it mean when you can feel your heart beating, but you just feel numb?”
“I’m guessing that’s love, Gav. I can’t say for certain.” she shrugged again but didn’t look away.
Our eyes met, we smiled slightly at each other as I took in another deep breath and slowly blew it out again, “What are we like?” I rubbed my face and got up, moving towards the large window and looked out. “I think I love her.”
“Think?” Nikki asked.
I turned back to face her, “No. I do love her.” I admitted. My chest became tight with the realisation, it was like a sledgehammer to the heart, because after this, I might have lost her.
How the fuck did I make her see that she was it for me?
“Do you think she’ll take me back?” I never thought I’d ever be able to talk to Nikki like this, but I was glad we’d found some kind of middle ground.
“I can’t say, Gav. I don’t know her well enough, but I’m sure you can work that charm.” She smiled. “I need to get dressed.” She came over and gave me a friendly pat on my back before she disappeared out of the room. I was left with my own fucked up thoughts again as I wondered how to fix this.
I wandered round the apartment like a lost soul once Nikki had left. My shoulders hunched. I should be there on her doorstep begging, so why the hell was I still here? I was scared, that’s why. I knew that. I didn’t need it spelt out for me. I’d learnt more about myself in the time I’d been seeing Karen, than I had in all my adult years. I pondered for a moment then grabbed my phone and clicked on her name.
K. I swear I didn’t do anything. Can we talk?
I hit send and waited. And waited until half an hour had passed.
We need to talk.
She hadn’t even seen the messages. Or opened them. I didn’t open messages if I didn’t want to answer people.
Please talk to me. I’m begging.
After I waited a little longer, I knew she wasn’t going to answer, I needed to go one step further, I had to show her I meant what I was saying.Fuck this.As I stood from the couch, I pocketed my phone and picked up my keys, clutching them tightly in my hand, and headed out of the door.
The engine rumbled beneath me as I revved it before I sped off. I shifted gear as I hit the highway, then turned into a back street to get off the main roads until I saw someone selling flowers on a small stall. I remembered in Malibu how much she loved her flowers, that was a start at least. I bought a big bouquet and paid the old woman, then double-timed it back to my car. I left them on the passenger seat and sped off again towards Karen’s place.
I abandoned the car outside the front and ran over to the security door, pressing the buzzer. There was no way I was getting in there unless someone was coming out. I pressed it again when no one answered, and again, but I was getting fucking impatient. I had to rein this shit in. After I waited for her to answer for almost twenty minutes, someone was coming out of the front. “Mate, hold the door.” I thanked him as I passedand ran upstairs to her apartment. I banged as hard as I could. I needed her to hear me. I had to get through to her. After I banged on the door again and she still didn’t answer, I pulled out my phone and pressed call. I waited for it to connect and listened to it ring. It rang out again and she didn’t answer, so I called again, until a thought hit me. I pulled my phone away from my ear and pressed my cheek to the front door. I couldn’t hear anything, not a fucking thing. Not the telly, nobody shuffling around… she wasn’t in. The apartment wasn’t that big, so I’m sure I’d hear something from inside, but nope, there was just silence. FUCK.
When I got back in my car, I was feeling more distressed than I was earlier when she’d left. I sat there for a minute, wondering where she could be, but I didn’t know her well enough to know her hideouts. I was such a moron. God, I had to stop this self-debasement, it wasn’t good for my well-being. I needed to go home and figure out where she’d be, and if that meant paying Holly a visit, then I would.
Once I was back in my apartment, I sent a message to Nik:
She wouldn’t answer and when I went there, she wasn’t even there. I think it’s over.
The bubbles bounced to let me know she was answering right away.
You don’t know that, have faith.
I didn’t take you for a quitter, Gav.
My eyes rolled at the message that followed right after.Cheeky bitch.I am a quitter though, that’s exactly what I did when things didn’t go my way.
Fuck it. There’s only so many times I can call, there’s only so many messages that could go unanswered before I gave up. I collapsed onto the couch and thought about everything that had happened over the last couple of days, and honestly, I only had myself to blame for it all. With that realisation I got up and grabbed a beer from the fridge. It was better than going to the casino at least. The lesser of two evils, if you ask me. The rest of the night passed in a blur.
The door banging the next morning had me scrambling from the couch and running to answer it. I yanked it open hoping to see Karen, but it was Roman. I left the door wide open and slinked back into the lounge and onto the couch.
“I’ll make you some coffee, shall I?” Roman offered as he disappeared into the kitchen.
“Whatever.” I mumbled incoherently. I had no idea when the beer turned to Bourbon, but I’d drank enough of it to knock me out anyway. It was probably when the beer ran out and I wasn’t sensible enough to stop.
I could smell the coffee as I heard Roman’s determined steps on my wooden floor. The sound of the cup hitting the glass table had me peering at him with one eye open, but I closed it straight away. “What’s going on, then?” Roman asked, like he didn’t know. I know for a fucking fact that Nikki would have filled him in. I pulled the cushion from under my head and covered my face with it. My eyes were just getting used to the blackness when it was removed again. I groaned as I opened my eyes, the light hit them, straining as they rolled back to the window and saw the curtains were open.
“Shut the fucking curtains.”
