I felt like a recovering drug addict resisting a hit. Beads of sweat leaked from my forehead. Maybe this was a bad idea. With no one here to stop me from making a huge mistake, I was a little fucked. My hands rested on the marble surface of the bar while my head dipped between my shoulders. After I’d sucked a few deep breaths in, I lifted my head again and grabbed the glass. I sipped on the double shot of Scotch in my glass. I was either going to end up on the fruit machines or at one of the card tables, or I was going to drink myself into oblivion. Right now, oblivion sounded the best bet, the cheaper bet, anyway. I had an addictive personality. Gambling, drinking, drugs, and sex. Anything I had, I had to have more.
The ice in my glass hit the sides of the short tumbler. I swirled the Scotch in my hand before swallowing an ample amount. I pulled the glass from my lips again and went back to swirling, hypnotised as the Scotch stuck to the sides of the glass. I breathed in and out, in and out, and kept my back to the tables. The familiar sounds, the familiar smell, it was all too much. Iknocked back the rest of my drink and ordered another right after. My stomach tightened with anticipation, with the urge to go to one of the tables and throw some money in. I whirled back around and watched; my eyes flitted everywhere, and my fists tightened again while my knee bounced. An hour had already passed, and as much as I thought my resistance would wane the more drinks I’d sunk, it seemed I was totally wrong. If anything, it had gotten worse. If I was being completely honest with myself, I shouldn’t have come here at all. I was kidding myself that I could do this. I needed something to do, so I pulled my phone from my pocket; a message was sitting on my home screen, a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.
Roman: Where the fuck are you?
Instead of opening the message I left it and slid my phone back into my pocket. I rubbed the tips of my fingers together again, the urge grew the closer I got to the door of the bar, the one that led to the tables.
My palms were sweating now. I wiped them on my trousers again, then reached back to get my glass, I felt the burn as I took a gulp of my drink as it slid smoothly down my throat. I was immune to that burn now. In fact, I’d welcome that compared to this feeling. A faint thrum of excitement ran through my body and my pulse picked up its pace. I heard a voice behind me, “You gonna try your luck?” I turned my head to glance back over at the barman. “I dunno, man. I probably shouldn’t.”
“You don’t look like the kind of guy who thinks before he acts…”
Hmm, “Do you know me?” I smirked because he’d obviously got me all figured out. “I will have another of those though.”I emptied the contents, slid my glass back across the bar and whirled back around while he refilled my glass. I couldn’t go on the tables, so drinking myself fucking senseless was definitely the lesser of two evils. At least that was how my brain saw it. And to be quite honest, my brain had never made such a good decision. As much as I had that urge, I could have given into my demons, but I beat them… this time anyway.But the fact I’d even come here, told me not to be so cocky.
As the night turned to early morning, I paid my tab and asked the barman to call me a cab, then stumbled my arse out of there.
I’d paid the cab driver when he pulled up at the bottom of Roman’s drive and got out, I almost fell from the car. I steadied myself as I stood and swung the door shut after me, then staggered up the long path. Almost falling over my own feet a time or two. If I looked tomorrow, I’d probably find a big size ten footprint in the flower beds where I’d saved myself. Those poxy flowers had a fucking lucky escape. I reached the side gate where I managed to get through without event, but as I walked through the gardens and saw the sun loungers, it was like my feet didn’t want to go any further. My knees buckled as I made it to the nearest one and collapsed onto it. But even in my fucked-up state, I felt pretty good about myself. I’m not sure my head would think the same thing in the morning, though.
My arms folded around my body as I turned onto my side, curling my knees into my chest, and within minutes my eyes were closed, and I fell into an alcohol induced sleep.
The morning sun beat down on the patio and reflected off the pool, blinding me as my eyelids cracked open. They soon closed again as I stretched my limbs. I was already feeling the ache formed in my body from being stuck on the shit lounger all night. As my shoulders rolled, the knots in my muscles releasedand I rolled to my back, my eyes closed against the strength of the early morning sun.
I was just drifting back off when I heard Roman. “Where the fuck did you go last night? You could’ve replied and let me know you were safe.”
One eye opened at the sound of his irritated tone. I huffed, opening the other eye so I could focus on him. “Had to see a man about a dog.” I folded my arms across my chest.
“Don’t bullshit me, Gav.” Okay, not just irritated, maybe pissed off.
“Alright, Dad.” I snipped.
He stared fiercely at me. “It was my fucking wedding reception, Gav.”
“Look, the party was nearly over so I thought I’d go on to somewhere else.”
I gave him the same tone back as I answered. The guy is my best friend but after everything that's happened between us with the gambling, the drugs and the betrayal, I knew he found it hard to trust me. Which is why I couldn’t tell him where I really went. Instead, I sat up and twisted my body around to drop my feet to the ground.
“Really?” He asked suspiciously, “No casino?” He narrowed his eyes not sure whether he believed me or not, but at least his accusing tone had softened. I still wasn’t going to hang about to be questioned though.
“I have to go get showered.” I pushed up from the lounger and crossed the poolside, but Roman followed closely behind.Fuck this.I whirled back around and came to an abrupt halt. “Look, I know a lot of shit went down last year, but I’m not going to be questioned like a child. You either trust me or you don’t? Your call.” It was a shitty thing to put on him, but I wasn’t letting him monitor my every move. I’m a big boy and I’ll handle my own shit. He’s fucking married now, he needs to focus on that,not me. I rushed through the house and up to my room and stayed there. After my run in with Roman, I didn’t need to bump into Nikki too. I wasn’t in the mood for her crappy attitude this morning.
I needed a shower, a nap and coffee. After I turned on the shower, I stepped under the steaming water and let my guilt of lying to Roman wash away.
CHAPTER SIX
Gavin
After my shower I felt much more like myself again. My guilt about going to the casino had disappeared. I had no guilt, because I hadn’t bet. I hadn’t ventured to the tables or the slot machines, I refused to be made to feel like shit for it, too.
With the towel wrapped around my waist, I pushed my hair back from my face. I sat on the bed and rubbed my fingers through my overgrown stubble. There wasn’t much to do today, since Roman was whisking Paisley away for a few days. Quality time for them before the craziness of his life took over again. I took a pair of jeans from the wardrobe and tugged them up over my hips as a knock came on the door. I sighed, but still called out for whoever it was to come in as I fiddled with the buttons on my fly, I looked up as Roman walked in and leant against the wall.
“You okay?” I asked. Caution laced my tone.
“Yeah. You?” He replied with the same amount of carefulness.
“Yeah…” I nodded slowly as I finished fastening my fly, I lifted my head as my hands moved to my hips. I wondered where this was going.
“I've come to apologise.” He matched my sigh, “I should trust you. You’re my oldest friend. I just worry, that’s all.”
I lifted my chin, “Close the door.” A deathly silence filled the room. The sound echoed around the room as it clicked shut. “So, if we’re putting things out there, then I have a confession.”
