I couldn’t ask Carter too many questions. He would have caught on, and I didn’t want to lose him if he found out I had secretly dated his sister. “I had no one to talk to about you.”
Jackie digs her heels in, her voice catching. “I couldn’t take the chance! I had to leave.” Her features plead with me, begging me to understand, but all I can hear is that she ran. That she chose the easy way out.
“If anyone had found out I was another one of your women?” Her voice cracks. “I would’ve never recovered. Plastered across every gossip page, right next to other heiresses gone wild.Labeled promiscuous. An airhead.” She’s panting now, her words coming out frantic.
“You. Didn’t. Ask.” Every word hits her like a bullet. “I pleaded with you to talk to me. I was so desperate, I would’ve crawled on my knees to London if you had given me the slightest sign. After everything, you iced me out. Do you know how that felt?”
“I texted you,” Jackie shoots back, defiant. Never one to admit when she screws up.
“Yes, yes…” Sarcasm coats everything coming out of my mouth. “I’m moving to London tomorrow. It’d be better for both of us if you didn’t contact me.”
Jackie looks away, toward the dark house. “Of course, the gifted kid remembers it word for word.”
“I remember it because you fucking carved them with a knife on my heart!” I yell, all the years of hurt and doubt bursting to the surface.
Her leaving shattered my life like an old mirror, and I kept cutting myself on the jagged edges, trying to make the pieces fit back together. For a while, I made myself believe I’d managed to fix it.
But the cuts never truly healed. And when I dared to look. Really look. All I saw was a fractured and distorted reflection of who I used to be.
“I wish I could erase you,” I say hoarsely. “You hurt too much…”
For the first time, her expression wavers with doubt, but she snaps back regardless. “What was there to talk about? I didn’t want to hear your bullshit!”
“You are un-fucking-believable,” I mutter, swiping my hands through my hair, feeling sick, blood rushing in my ears. It’s like talking to a wall. “I’ve been walking around for years, my body feeling like it’s loose at the seams.”
Something inside me fractures, the pain unstoppable. “You…you were not hurt. You didn’t even try, Jackie. You ran.” A bitter laugh tears from my chest. “It all makes sense…Blanca was right. You thought I wasn’t enough. Was that what scared you? That a nobody would saddle you with a wedding ring and kids?” My voice lowers, scathing. “Because I loved you enough to picture a future together—”
Jackie reaches out, her voice a strangled whisper. “Adam… No.”
“You always shut me down when I wanted to talk about the future. About going public. About us.”
She shakes her head, blonde strands falling over her face, her expression glazed.
“Then you come up with this ridiculous excuse to cut me out of your life. To end us, without complication, without talking it out.” Exhaustion creeps in, but I keep going. “You called me immature, but you…you couldn’t handle a simple conversation that would’ve been too messy.” I scoff. “The great Jackie Rawlings, scared to talk about her feelings.”
“You’re wrong…” she whispers, blinking rapidly.
“You jumped at the chance to let go of us.”
Jackie’s lips start to tremble. “That’s not what happened…” Her voice breaks, tears choking her, her mouth moving silently.
A familiar pull brings me closer, and I cup her cheeks, her tears staining my skin, burning like acid. But I don’t pull away. I need to pour it all out and leave it behind, once and for all.
“It was the hardest decision I ever had to make,” she says between sobs.
I resented her because she was imprinted in my soul. A bleeding mass I couldn’t carve out. Because she’s unforgettable, and I never could let her go.
Bitterness is all I have left now. “No. Walking away and slamming the door like a child wasn’t hard, Jackie.” I tilt herchin until her gaze meets mine, my voice low and hollow. “You left me feeling like a worthless piece of shit because you couldn’t use your words?”
“I…”
There’s no softness left in me. “I can’t look at you right now.” I draw her closer, lips brushing her hair, the words tasting like ash. “I spent years trying to change everything that wasn’t enough. It turns out my biggest flaw was being madly in love with you.”
Cold air rushes between our bodies as I push her away and turn on my heel, not knowing where to go, only that I want to be as far as possible from her.
“Adam…” My name breaks out of her like a gasp. The dull crunch of shifting gravel under her weight as she collapses will haunt me as long as I live.
I drain one of the coffees in my hands. I’m running on too little sleep and too many espressos. I’ve been waiting outside a conference room in the FBI’s New York field office long enough for the paper cup to soften under my fingers. Staring at the neutral carpet. People move past me with purpose, talking in hushed whispers. I barely register them.
