She’s shutting the door on her feelings for me before the hurt bleeds out of her. What we have is more than casual hookups, but I can’t shut up and temper the unstoppable advance of venom in my system.
“Bullshit. Tell me you don’t look at me and see my position, the money. How it could fix your problems.”
“You want to know what I see when I look at you? I see a boy who is hurt. Who wasn’t told he is enough. I recognize him.”
“We’re nothing alike.”
The compassion softening her features reduces me to that boy—the lonely, miserable boy who couldn’t get his father to care for him. I feel unsafe and helpless.
“I’m doing my best to heal from the past. Some days I’m afraid I’ll never fix it. But I’m trudging on. I deserve the effort. I hope you get to see you’re worth that too.”
She doesn’t expect a reply and slides into the yellow chair in her creative corner.
I’m deflated now.
“Eliza…” What do I even have to say?
“I’ll be working late tonight. I have to sketch a home office for school.” She pulls out her black drawing notebook and the box of art supplies I got her. A physical reminder of when I began falling for her.
It guts me and the fog starts to lift, leaving a quiet desperation in its wake.
She lets me decide, again. To stay or leave. It’s the first time I realize she does this constantly. Gives me a choice.
And I make the worst possible one.
Chapter Thirty-Four
ELIZA
The grip of a claw clenching my insides intensifies until I can no longer pretend it’s a usual morning. Dread suffocates me and I jump into my jeans, without worrying about the messy hair or brushing my teeth. An invisible ticking smashes against my eardrums, forcing me toward Carter’s cabin.
The cold morning air hurts my lungs, but I push through and break into a sprint. A coppery taste fills my mouth but it’s nothing compared to the slicing pain between my ribs. Something is wrong. I can feel it in my bones.
His car is not here. With trembling hands, I swing open the unlocked door. I don’t need to check the bedroom. The cabin is devoid of his overwhelming presence. It’s the quiet of a house empty of his crisp shirts arranged by color in the dresser. No expensive boots under the small entryway bench. I know he’s gone even before I spot the key on the table over a folded piece of paper.
Miss Miller,
Urgent business needs my attention sooner than I expected.
The financial agreement with my mother still stands.
Thank you for your hospitality.
Best regards,
Carter Rawlings
Is this a sick joke? This is all he has to say? Anger slowly trickles down my veins and the paper crumples in my tight fist.
Carter was supposed to be a summer fling. Something easy because I’d had enough of hard.
I accepted the kind of love Jared showed me, thinking it was what I deserved. But whatever this was with Carter, I won’t beg. I’ll never again reduce myself to something so small I don’t even recognize myself.
The message was clear and this time I’ll listen. With Jared, I filled in the blank spaces and the silence with my own version of reality, instead of paying attention.
After the article came out, I didn’t press. My heart bled for the man who expected to be betrayed. Who thought he couldn’t experience genuine love. I wanted to hold him tighter when he pulled away. It’s my nature. To dig my heels in the ground. But there was nothing to save. Nothing to hold close. I sensed he was already halfway back.
Deep inside I expected him to leave sooner, just not like this.
