They stood there in the entryway for a long time. Her back started to ache from holding Janie’s weight, and the afternoon light shifted and changed through the windows. But Solo didn’t move, or suggest they go sit down or get comfortable, or do anything other than this, because this was what Janie needed right now. To be held, and to fall apart.
Eventually, Janie’s shaking subsided, and her breathing evened out. She pulled back just enough to look at Solo’s face.Her eyes were red and swollen but clearer than they’d been in weeks.
“Sorry,” Janie said. “I’m a mess.”
“You’re not a mess. You’re working through something huge.” Solo brushed tears off Janie’s cheeks with her thumbs. “You don’t have to apologize for having feelings.”
“I think I’m expecting her to call or show up again and find some new way to make me feel guilty for choosing myself over her.”
“And if she does, we’ll handle it.” Solo squeezed Janie’s waist a little tighter. “But I don’t think she’s going to. It sounds like you made it clear that you’re done, and she knows she can’t manipulate you anymore. She lost her power over you.”
“Has she?” Janie whispered. “Because eight-year-old me is still hanging around, not quite knowing what she’s supposed to do with what just happened.”
Solo took Janie’s hand and led her to the couch. She tugged her down so they were sitting close, and then she pulled Janie’s legs over hers. Her mind whirred with Rae’s words about theinner childand how important it was.“That eight-year-old kid deserved better,” she said. “She deserved a mother who saw how incredible she was. How smart, and kind, and brave. That kid deserved unconditional love, and she didn’t get it, and that’s not her fault. That’s your mother’s failure, not yours.”
“When she left the office, I felt an elated kind of freedom, but I think that was just adrenaline-fueled. Reality’s setting in now.” Fresh tears spilled down Janie’s cheeks. “I don’t know how to stop hearing her voice in my head, telling me I’m not enough and I’m a failure. All I hear is that I’m a bad mother, a bad wife, and a bad daughter. A bad everything.”
“I know, baby. But that voice is a liar.” Solo squeezed Janie’s hand. “You want to know what I see when I look at you?”
“What?”
Janie glanced up, and the wounded, hopeful look in her eyes tore at Solo’s heart. “I see you fighting. You keep showing upeven though it’s hard, even though your brain is telling you that you don’t deserve good things. I see you love our daughters so fiercely it takes my breath away. You’re being brave enough to admit that you’re struggling and asking for help. You’re working your ass off every single day to be better, do better, and feel better.” Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. “I see my wife, my partner, and the woman I want beside me through everything for the rest of my life. And I amsofucking proud of you for standing up to your mother.”
That prompted more tears, and Solo pulled Janie close again.
“I’m so tired,” Janie whispered. “I’m so tired of fighting and trying to prove I’m worthy. I’m sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“I know, baby, I know.” Solo relaxed back into the sofa, taking Janie with her, while she cried out weeks of accumulated fear, stress, and trauma. All of it poured out in harsh, painful sobs that made Solo’s chest ache with the desire to take it all away.
But she couldn’t. It wasn’t hers to take, Rae would say. Solo could only hold Janie through it, only be present, patient, and steady while Janie fell apart and put herself back together.
Eventually, the crying subsided into hiccups, then quiet breathing. Janie pulled back and looked at Solo with swollen eyes and the kind of raw vulnerability that made Solo want to build walls around her, protecting her from everything and everyone who’d ever hurt her.
“I love you,” Janie said. “I don’t think I say it enough. But I love you so much it scares me sometimes.”
Solo kissed the top of Janie’s head. “Why does it scare you?” she asked, though she often had the same thought.
“Because I’m afraid I’ll mess it up and disappoint you. One day, you might realize you and the girls would be better off without me.”
“Funny. I think the same thing all the time.” Solo’s heart fought against the crushing pressure of Janie’s devastating lack of self-worth. She had to keep talking, keep telling her the same thingsin the hope that sometimes Janie would really hear them. “Janie, look at me.”
Janie shifted and met her eyes.
“I would never be better off without you.” Solo shook her head and chuckled lightly. “I’m barely functional when you’re not here. The past few weeks we’ve been apart, I was surviving, not living. I was going through the motions, taking care of the girls, going to work, but it was like half of me was missing. You’re not a burden, or a disappointment, or someone I’m settling for. You’re my person. And you make me want to be better, do better, try harder.” She caressed Janie’s cheek. “I need you to believe that.”
Janie nodded slowly. “I’m trying.”
“I know. And I’m going to keep telling you. Some days you’ll hear me, and some days you won’t; I know what Rae said about that.” Solo leaned in and pressed her forehead against Janie’s. “But we’re in this together. All of it. The good days and the bad ones, and the days where you can’t get out of bed because the depression is too heavy. I’m here for all of it.”
Janie sighed deeply. “What did I do to deserve you?”
“You didn’t have to do anything. You just had to be you.” Solo kissed her softly. “That’s always been enough for me.”
Janie kissed her back, tentative at first, then deeper, her hands coming up to run over Solo’s buzz cut. The kiss shifted from comforting to something charged with need, and want, and the kind of desperate hunger that came from nearly losing something precious.
“I need you,” Janie whispered against Solo’s lips. “I need to feel something other than scared and exhausted. I need you to show me how much you want me.”
“God, I do.” Solo moved her hands to Janie’s waist and pulled her closer. “Do you have any idea what you do to me? How much I crave you?”
