“I must know also.”
Lord Lancashire’s eyebrows lifted.
“I cannot stand aside and do nothing,” she said, recalling how Ellen had encouraged her to tell Lord Lancashire all that she knew and all that she felt. “I have already spoken to my father in search of the truth, as you know. I – I want to know what it is that has kept us back from each other, Lord Lancashire.”
A softness came into his expression as he lifted his gaze to hers again. “Why must you know, Susanna?”
Dare she be truthful?
“You took my hand recently,” she began, as Lord Lancashire nodded quietly. “You grasped it and held my gaze, and there was such confusion and pain in your eyes, it tore at my heart. I do not know what it was you were trying to say in that moment, but as we stood together, all that we had shared previously came back to me in one great swell.” She swallowed again, trembling lightly as she tried to find the right words to express her heart. It was a risk for Lord Lancashire might very well tell her that he only wanted to find the truth for his own reasons rather than because he hoped for something more between them. All the same, this was the only moment she had, and Susanna was not about to push it away. “I have been broken by your absence,” she continued, her voice dropping near to a whisper, such was her emotion. “After all I had shared with you, after all you had told me, my heart was desperate for you. The silence was an agony, tearing my heart strip by strip until I gave up all hope.”
Lord Lancashire closed his eyes.
“And yet,” she continued, as he stood infront of her, his eyes still closed tightly, “I cannot remove what I feel for you from my heart.”
With a snatch of breath, Lord Lancashire’s eyes flew wide.
“I despise my own foolishness,” she admitted, her trembling growing all the greater now. “I wish that it were not so, I wish that I had been able to forget you, to set you aside without hesitation and to tell you that I care nothing for you – but I have been quite unable to do that. It is as though my heart has its own determinations that are quite opposed to my own! Even when it is covered by pain and disappointment, confusion and doubt, there is still love there. It might be pushed to the very bottom of my heart, it might be lesser than before, but still, it lingers.”
A shuddering breath left her lips as she closed her eyes and clasped her hands tightly together to stop them from shaking.
“I want to know the truth for it shall always torment me,” she finished, “but my heart wants something more.” Opening her eyes, she held his gaze. “It wants you.”
13
“It wants you.”
Jonathan could not believe what he was hearing from Lady Susanna. Her profession of love, despite all of his failings and stupidity, was so unexpected that he could barely breathe. His whole body was tingling, his mouth ajar as he stared at her, seeing how she pressed her lips together and then looked away, doubt flooding her expression.
“How – ?” Shutting his eyes, Jonathan shook his head, trying to think clearly. “I do not understand.”
“Nor do I.” Lady Susanna’s lips curved briefly, only for worry to tug into her expression again, her eyebrows furrowing as her gaze darted towards him and then away again. “I did not think I would find myself in such a situation, Lord Lancashire, and I can quite understand if our separation means that you have no such feelings any longer.”
“Oh, but I do.”
Light poured into her expression, her eyes rounding butbrighter now, the corners of her mouth gently tugging upwards.
“I do not deserve this,” Jonathan continued, glancing about him and hoping that they would not be interrupted by the arrival of another patron to the shop. Lady Susanna’s lady’s maid was standing a short distance away, but aside from that, they were alone. “Susanna, what you ought to be throwing at me is the full extent of your fury! I abandoned you without explanation, believing something that has turned out not to be true, and have acted with more foolishness and inconsideration than I ever thought possible of myself.”
She looked away.
“When I took your hand, it was because I found myself in such desperate confusion over what I believed to be true,” he continued, aware of the catch in his voice. “I overheard gentlemen speaking of your father, of the excellent investments he had made, about how he never presses others to repay their vowels with any sort of urgency. That cannot be a gentleman who is in dire upset over his finances! None of what I overheard made any sense, and thus, I walked from the house with my mind in turmoil. It was only by chance that I saw you. There was so much that I wanted to say to you, but I could not find the words.” Closing his eyes, he shook his head. “I did not think that you would ever forgive me.”
“I am not certain I have,” she answered, a tiny twinkle in her eye as he opened his eyes to take her in again. “My own feelings are in such confusion that it is not with any certainty that I speak – save for the fact that I know I still care for you.”
Nothing was said between them for a long few minutes. The bookshop seemed to hold its breath aroundthem, the dust motes suspended in the columns of afternoon light, the distant murmur of other patrons as faint and indistinct as a memory. Jonathan could not take his eyes from her, thinking to himself that she was the most incredible young lady he had ever become acquainted with. It was not just that she captured his attention with her beauty; it was also her character that spoke to his heart. The courage it had taken for her to say what she had just said — to offer her love again to a man who had thrown it away once already — was staggering. He did not deserve it. He knew that with every fiber of his being. And yet she stood before him, trembling lightly, her chin raised, offering him the most precious thing she possessed. To know that she was still in love with him was such a precious gift, but Jonathan feared accepting it. What if he broke her heart again? What if he could not find a way for them to return to the future they had planned the previous Season?
“I do not want to let you go again,” he murmured, taking another step closer to her. “I am afraid of what this search for truth might uncover.” His lips twisted. “What if there is something dark here? I cannot think as to why I would have received such a letter, nor can I make sense of my own solicitors’ reports!”
“But I will not step away from this, not again.” She licked her lips, then took a step closer to him. “Not unless you decide that you want to keep this distance between us. If you think that best, then I will never approach you again.”
“No!” The word ripped from his mouth and echoed around the room, making Jonathan flush hot. Dropping his head, he took in a deep breath, then dared a look at Lady Susanna. Her eyes were a little wider than before, glancing this way and that for fear that someonemight have overheard him and would approach, but as the moments passed, so did her concern.
Jonathan took her hand, and instantly, his heart slammed against his ribs. His breathing grew quicker with every second. He looked down into the dark pools of her eyes and wished he could kiss her. “I cannot find the words to express the depths of my regret over my actions,” he said, whispering now. “I would do anything to take back my mistakes, to alter my steps. I should never have turned away from you in the way I did. I should never have been so cruel and callous.”
Lady Susanna pressed his hand. “I believe you.”
“To be back in London, to see you with other gentlemen and to hear your laughter and watch your smiles directed towards others has broken my heart over and over again,” he said softly. “I told myself that I would not feel, thought I would prevent my heart from having any sort of affection for you simply by determination alone, but that determination has failed me. I have been trying my best to forget you, and it has been an impossible task.”
