Susanna shook her head, gesturing to her lady’s maid but saying nothing more. She did not know what Lord Lancashire meant by coming to speak with her in such a way, but they had to be careful. Lady’s maid or not, to have a private conversation with a gentleman in the center of a London bookshop could quickly bring whispers about her.
A sudden memory of another time she had been in private conversation with Lord Lancashire in the corner of another bookshop stormed into her mind — he had lifted a volume of poetry from the shelf and read to her in that low, warm voice of his, and she had been so enchanted, so entirely lost in the sound of it, that she had not noticed the shop growing quiet around them — and Susanna flushed hot, her cheeks burning as she dropped her gaze and fastened it to the floor. Why was she being so very foolish? Why could she not simply push Lord Lancashire aside and forget him completely? The pain she had endured simply did not seem great enough to break apart the love she held for him.
“I do not have to speak with you if you do not wish it.”
Raising her eyes, Susanna looked back at him as steadily as she could, ignoring the wild thundering of the blood in her veins. “What is it that you wish to say, Lord Lancashire? I thought we were finished with our acquaintance.”
To her surprise, his eyes closed, and he ran one hand down his face, grimacing as he did so. A low exclamation broke from him, and he shook his head, letting a long breath escape as he dropped his head. His shoulders lowered with it, and, to Susanna’s eyes, he appeared to be a gentleman in the throes of despair.
A sudden roar of hope crashed over her, and she caught her breath, holding it steadily in her chest as Lord Lancashire finally lifted his gaze to hers.
“I overheard a conversation,” he said, his face downcast. “It made me question what I had been told by Lord Blackwood. Thereafter, I went to speak with Lord Blackwood directly, to ask him about the letter and what had been contained within it. Mayhap you have had the opportunityto do the same?”
Susanna blinked. “No, not as yet.”
Lord Lancashire’s smile was rueful. “If you had, then you would have been faced with the realization that Lord Blackwood knew nothing about the letter.”
A frown lined her forehead. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that he had no knowledge of it,” Lord Lancashire told her, taking a step closer and making her quake inwardly. “I tried to discuss it with him, but he told me that he had never once sent me a letter.” Shutting his eyes, he winced. “And fool that I was, I believed that the letter was from him, and because of the strength of his connection with so many and the high standing he has in society, I did not go to speak with him directly upon receiving his letter. If I had, then I would have learned that he had not penned it and that something more was being done.”
A joy coupled with frustration burst through her heart, making Susanna want to stamp her foot, throw up her hands – and then throw them around his neck the very next moment. Instead, she simply folded her arms over her chest, not as a way to push him back from her but as protection from her own desires. He had not said anything as yet about their own connection, only about this letter and what he had come to realize. That did not mean there was any real hope for her.
“I cannot fully understand it,” he continued, moving another step closer to her, his voice lowering, his eyes searching hers. “I do not know what it means, for I made my own enquiries and heard that these investments had been made and that there were debts.”
She tilted her head, holding his gaze steadily. “Might I ask what sort of enquiries?”
“I spoke to my own solicitors,” he explained. “I informedthem of what I had heard and asked them to see whether there was any truth in it or not. The reason I asked them such a thing was so that I could know whether or not I ought to be concerned.”
Catching the edge of her lip in between her teeth, Susanna considered this and, at the same time, assessed Lord Lancashire’s expression and the fervency in his gaze which burned right through to her very soul. What was it he wanted from her in this? Was it to apologize? He had not done that as yet, but perhaps that was all he desired.
“Susanna?”
She looked away, hating the tenderness in his voice, for it blossomed in her heart all the more when she should be filled with irritation at his presence and anger at his foolishness in accepting Lord Blackwood’s letter without hesitation.
“I am sorry.”
Her eyes shot back towards his, her throat tightening, her heart beating so wildly, she was sure he could hear it.
“I have been so foolish,” he continued, a tiny catch in his voice. “I was already struggling with my brother’s reckless actions and the financial concerns his decisions had brought. So when I heard from Lord Blackwood, my mind was instantly pulled towards an even greater fear. I was terrified of losing my family’s good standing, of having the ton turn their back upon me, and the potential damage to future heirs to the title. Family honor must be preserved, as I know you understand.”
“I do understand it,” Susanna replied, a tiny sting of pain striking her heart. “But is it truly greater than love?”
The words came out of her mouth before she had even a chance to comprehend her own thoughts. Lord Lancashire blinked, frowned, and then looked away, hisjaw flexing. Susanna could not say anything more, looking down at the floor again, her face hot. What she had said had sounded accusatory, but she had not meant it that way. Perhaps it was that the love she had held in her heart for him had been greater than what he had felt for her. Perhaps it was not fair for her to hold him to such a standard.
“You are right.”
Her eyebrows lifted as he turned his head to look back at her, his hands going out on either side before falling back against his body.
“There is nothing more I can say to that, Susanna,” he continued, an invisible weight seeming to stoop his frame. “It should have been more; that much is clear to me. The love we shared should have been more – but it was not. I let my fears and my concerns drive my actions, and in doing so, I turned away from you without explanation. I have treated you without consideration. I have pushed you away and never once thought to tell you my reasons why. Mayhap if I had come to you with my worries and my fears, you would have understood.”
Heat began to burn behind her eyes. “We could have tried to understand things together,” she said, hoarsely. “All I needed was an explanation.”
With a nod, Lord Lancashire lowered his head, but not in a desire to kiss her. Instead, his chin nearly on his chest, he moved away from her. “I am truly sorry for all that I did,” he told her, no longer able to hold her gaze. “I will find out the truth, Susanna. I must – even if it does not bring any return of what we once shared – I must discover who sent that letter and why. I cannot have such meddling go without a full and true explanation.”
She swallowed hard, all in a confusion. “You will try to find out who sent you that letter?”
He nodded.
