He pulls one ear of his headphones aside. “What?”
I sigh and turn in the seat to face him. “What’s wrong?”
“Who said anything is wrong?” Bitchy Wolfe is out in full force, which means something is wrong.
“Do I have to even answer that? We both know I can tell.”
He shrugs and puts his headphones back on. I drop it because, as much as I want an answer, I don’t want us both to play like shit, and maybe it has nothing to do with me. It’s probably his dad or something.
But Wolfe sits with Lovelace on the flight home, which tells me he doesn’t want to talk to me, so I take a seat toward the front of the plane, planning on sleeping.
Seaborn flops down next to me. “I need to talk to you.”
I look him over, seeing the sexuality crisis written all over him. He must still be fucking Ktytor. “I figured after being out both nights. You didn’t even try to fake it the second one.”
“Since you already know…” He glances around like he’s worried anyone is eavesdropping. “I don’t know how to feel about it. I’m struggling.”
“With what?” I ask because I’m going to make him spell it out. Poor little bisexual needs to put his feelings into words.
“Feeling this way.” He looks over his shoulder again.
I roll my eyes. “You didn’t seem too bothered when your dick?—”
He cuts me off. “Quiet! No shit. But when it isn’t involved, I…feel crazy.” Seaborn shifts in his seat, clearly more uncomfortable than I first thought. “I obviously don’t have an issue with gay people.” He snaps his mouth shut when I give him a look.
“Good. I’m glad you know when to shut the fuck up. I don’t think you’re not cool with us. We’ve been friends forever, and you live with me, but…” I drop my voice because, as much as I want him to act normal about this, I’m not going to out him to the team. “This is internalized homophobia. It’s fine when it’s anyone but you.”
He leans in and whispers, “If that is true, then why is he the only one I’ve been attracted to?”
How do I even explain this?
“You’re a victim of compulsory heterosexuality.” I wish they would make everyone take a sexuality class. Christ, it would solve so much gay panic.
“You need to explain that to me when we get home,” he says, cagey as fuck.
I pat him on the head. “Believe me. I will.”
We get back to our place, and Wolfe goes right to his room and closes the door, claiming he has a headache. Now I know that bitch is avoiding me, but I can’t force him to talk to me because I told Seaborn I’d explain.
We go to his room and shut the door. He flips on a movie and picks up our cat.
I sprawl out on his bed, tired from the travel and worrying about Wolfe. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to be comfy.“Okay. Compulsory heterosexuality. It’s what you and most everyone else is brainwashed to believe by society. We are taught to want things like a wife, family, the nine-to-five every waking moment since birth, which coerces us to see every form of intimacy between men and women as romantic and sexual.”
“Can you really be brainwashed into feelings? Like, it didn’t work on you,” he asks, and I just want to say ‘Bless your heart’ and pat him on the head again.
“People are conditioned to interpret all feelings toward the opposite sex as attraction and the same sex as friendship. But feelings are really more complicated than that. Are they hot, or do you just admire them? Men are expected to hide their feelings or not feel anything but pleasure and anger, so we stomp them down. So when you get the intimacy you’re craving, you think you’re attracted to that person, and in this society, we’re called gay if we get any of that from anyone but a woman. But the deeper subtext is that we can feel a lot of feelings, including love for people we aren’t attracted to.
“We also need more than one person to fill non-sexual intimacy and connection, which is why so many married people and single men are miserable, but that’s a whole other can of worms I’m not going to get into.” I roll my eyes but go on. “This is an institution imposed on us through media and heterosexual rhetoric our whole lives, and it’s easier to stay in if you’re bisexual or pansexual. You don’t have to buck this system or ever explore more options because you fit into the mold.
“It takes work to explore your feelings and emotions to figure out what they mean, so a lot of people don’t. It’s how people don’t figure out they are bi until they’re like forty and divorcing. Gay people don’t have that luxury because I’ve known women do nothing for me since I was little, but you didn’t have to explore because you do partly fall into the box the patriarchy wants you in.”
“Okay, I’m not saying you’re wrong, but then why is this the only time I’ve even been attracted to a guy?” He looks like he’s trying to do complex math in his head, and I almost feel bad for adding to his identity crisis, but he’s got to figure it out since it looks like he’s going to keep sleeping with Ktytor.
“Did you even know you were attracted to him before you were hitting each other and then making out?” I ask, hoping I can lead this bitch to water.
“Well…no.”
“So you might have confused a feeling for someone as something else, like rage? Or anger? Which are the only feelings that men are taught are acceptable.”
