On The Bed
Greer
My hands shake as I try to open the box. I’m only going to be disappointed. After eight years and hundreds of tests, I’ve never gotten one positive.
Accept the impossible. You’re never going to get pregnant. This is your last round of IVF.
The last round. I sink to the ground in front of my bathroom cabinet.
For eight years, it’s been an endless circle of hope, hormonal peaks and crashes, and disappointments.
You can’t get pregnant. This is a complete waste of time and emotional distress.
Darrel has finally accepted it. He’s the one who said we’re done. Why can’t I let it go?
Because Darrel only ever asked for a son from me. He gave me the world…The very first home I’ve ever had. Safety. Security. Unending support and love.
Why am I so broken? Women have babies all the time.
What’s wrong with me?
Just get it over with. Take the last test, then move on.
Pee on the stick…
This is it. Our lives change forever in two minutes. Darrel will never be a father. I will have failed him forever.
It’s okay. We’ll have each other.
He told me that’s all that matters…but his eyes, they showed his pain. The loss he’s feeling because of my failure.
Why?
Why me?
Women get pregnant all the time, so many of them don’t even want a baby, and I want one so badly.
Why does two minutes take so long?
These are always the worst two of my life. They’re worse than my entire childhood combined. At least I had my best friends once I hit middle school.
They will forever be my friends. Winnie offered to carry our baby…
Darrel hates Winnie, and Winnie hates Darrel. The two haven’t ever bothered to try to pretend to be civil. They can tolerate each other for short periods of time in large groups.
How can I ask Winnie to have our baby?
But she’s our only chance of having a baby of our own…sort of.
Why is my body failing me?
The timer goes off, echoing through the bathroom. Until it rang, the only sound was my tears dropping on the marble floor. I need to move. I need to look, but every part of me is paralyzed with fear.
Knowing will crush me.
As long as I don’t look, there’s hope…false hope and pipe dreams.
Never in my life have I felt like such a coward, yet I know absolutely that this entire journey has shown me just how strong I am.
