“Punishment that you required in order for that to develop into a wakeup call.”
That first word sent a rush of need through me, and I had to shift my weight.Come the fuck on, Zayn.“I don’t get how somebody proud and needing to maintain a powerful stance like you—something we kind of have in common—could be fucked like that and have him take the lead without… without…”
“Feeling shame and vulnerability afterward? Not immediately then putting a distance between him and I as you did?”
“Maybe,” I murmured.
“It wasn’t about power to me in that situation. I wished to experience sexual gratification, to experience him, to experience myself in that context. It was about melding together, not two independent forces colliding and one exerting their whims and rigid structure upon the other.”
“Like… fluid, or something?”
“I suppose.” He stroked one of his daggers, and I had to look away, because it was… too much. “You, however, wish to let go and be in the command and hands of another during sexual situations. Something Winter can provide. However, he is gentle and understanding, which, perhaps intensifies the sense of vulnerability that you struggle to accept when engaging in that. You may need a more forceful and fierce type of sexual dominance to lessen that, and curtail the shame.” He sighed. “Of course, that is just my opinion. I am not as learned when it comes to sexual dynamics as you or Winter. This is merely coming from my understanding of power dynamics… and from witnessing your behavior and reactions.”
When I remained silent, his words burying me beneath the weight of them, he eyed me curiously. “From what I observed of you and Evira in class, your interactions were more balanced. Did that extend into your sexual exploits?”
“How do you even know—”
“I obviously have my ways. Don’t deflect. Answer the question.”
“She… even though she was new to it, there was a primal edge there, a dominance, yeah. And she brought that and it… enhanced things for me. It was easier than I’ve been used to, though.”
“Because she’s a female?”
“What? No. I’m not a sexist pig. I might have my issues, but I’m more enlightened than that.”
“Just checking.”
No. I could tell by the look on his face that it hadn’t even crossed his mind. He already knew that wasn’t the case.
“Fine. You know so much, then tell me why it was easier with her.”
“Because there were no rigid roles or rules that had already been established. You merely immersed yourself in just being with her, enjoying her. It was about taking and giving what you both needed.” He grinned. “Could also be that her primal nature overpowered your ability to do anything other than feel.”
“Makes sense.” Made a lot of sense.
I pushed off the bed.
“It’s not too late.”
I eyed him. “What isn’t?”
“Winter.”
I shook my head.“Nothing will.That’s what he said to me last time he deigned to speak to me—that nothing will help our situation, that nothing will fix things.”
“He’s processing his upset, drawing boundaries at long last. Keep progressing the way you’ve begun to and allow him time.”
“Why didn’t you come after me with the way I was to you? I don’t thinkdisrespectfuleven begins to cover it.”
“The source of that behavior became quickly apparent to me.”
“Source?”
“Pain.”
Our eyes locked.
I swallowed and looked away as the intensity threatened to take me over.
