The ride was nearly half the trip we made regularly to Jersey, but felt twice as long. I couldn’t get back fast enough. I had to stop and get gas, so I checked my phone. Sparrow hadn’t called me back.
Red had texted me earlier they had company, some busted windows, but it was handled and they were headed back to the clubhouse. I sent him, Sparrow, and Eagle texts, but wouldn’t be able to check the phone again for a long while. Still, I didn’t want to wait around for replies. I needed to get back.
The text she had sent before was like a knife.
I’m so scared. I love you.
I’d been desperate to hear those words, but not with the preceding statement. She shouldn’t be scared. And she shouldn’t have had to tell me she loved me over a fucking text when she thought she was going to die.
It had to be a shoot-out since Red mentioned busted windows and she was so scared she told me that. I’d be lying if I said that I never got scared in a shoot-out. You can’t focus too much on the fear in the moment, or you’ll get killed for sure. But after the fact, it all comes back to you… that adrenaline, your heart beating so fast it feels like it’ll burst from your ribs, the way your senses heighten and you can hear things you never do, air feels different against your skin. The fight, flight, or freeze response happens so quickly. And those bodily reactions happen regardless of where your mind leads you. Luckily, mine always went into fight-mode.
Whether hers was fight, flight, or freeze didn’t matter. She shouldn’t have to feel that way. I wasn’t even there when it happened, and I wasn’t there to console her.
Was this all a mistake? Was I so selfish that I ignored her well-being?
The dark cloud that followed me around for years seemed to be on my tail. Did I need to let her go? Would she be theone to push me away this time? Would I be able to do the right thing?What the fuck was the right thing?
After going back and forth with myself all day, I finally turned onto the driveway that led to the clubhouse. Normally I’d be relieved to be back. The clubhouse meant safety, freedom from chaos, total control, and what little rest I’d been accustomed to receiving before she was back in my life. Even when we had trash to take out, this was their last stop.
But instead of enjoying the normal comfort of home, my fight, flight, or freeze responses were kicking in. As I parked my bike near the garage, I froze.
Sitting on my bike, I killed the engine, but then didn’t move. I didn’t remove my helmet. I didn’t take my hands off the handlebars. I didn’t do anything.
My heart raced, my hands got clammy, and my jaw ticked. Blood rushed loudly in my ears, muffling the sounds of the nighttime creatures chirping and shuffling through the woods.
“Hey, fucker.”
Jerking at the sound of his voice, I looked over at Eagle. The torches around the property gave off just enough light that I could make out his features.
“You okay, brother?” he asked as he walked closer.
Nodding, I finally let go of the handlebars and took off my helmet.
“Spoke to Hawk. They’re riding back in the morning. I know you want to check on Kristie, but hustle up. We got work in the shed,” Eagle told me before he headed toward the back ofthe property.
After climbing off my bike, I walked a few paces. I looked over at the path that led to the back where the shed was, then back to the front door. My mind couldn’t decide which direction to take my feet when the door flew open and Shiv came out.
She threw her hands up. “Finally. I need a break.” She walked over and grabbed my arm, dragging me inside.
“Wait. Was she hurt?” I asked, stopping our forward progress.
“That’s a little subjective around here, don’t you think?” She lifted the sleeve of my shirt. “Oh, shit.” She sighed, rolling her eyes at the same time. “I need to clean and properly dress that. Who the hell did this hack job?”
“Your Old Man,” I told her.
“Oh, well yeah. He sucks. And he knows. I’m not saying anything I haven’t said to his face.”
“Is Kristie okay?”
“Oh,” she said, waving her hand through the air before tugging at my arm again. “She’s fine. Just shaken up. Once the adrenaline wore off she passed out.”
“Then why do you need a break?”
“Because I’m fucking tired and you people always need a doctor for something.”
We made it to the door and she turned. “Plus, I was keeping watch on her. She had a rough day. Go see her, but hurry up and we’ll go fix that arm. I need sleep before work tomorrow.”
“Where is she?” I asked as we stepped inside.
