They stare at one another for a long minute. ‘Fucking Audrey,’ Teddy says. ‘She’s done it again.’
And then they all start laughing.
44
Detective Sergeant Thomas Daveys – who Teddy is calling Magnum PI because of his moustache – has advised Pauline not to go home, so they head back to Teddy’s apartment. She’s been staying there for the past few days anyway, since the conversation with her children. She doesn’t want to run into John, and she needs time away from the house.
Audrey is waiting for them in the living room.
‘How did it go, my darlings?’ she calls out as they arrive en masse through the front door.
‘You fuck!’ Teddy roars out across the apartment. ‘You have some explaining to do, you little sociopath.’
Audrey blinks, looking mildly surprised. ‘I do? More of it?’
Teddy draws herself up to her full, imposing height, staring down balefully at the older woman. ‘Columbo? Dominic Shipman? The same knobhead?’
Audrey looks thoughtful. ‘Oh! I’d forgotten about him.’ She shakes her head. ‘He’s been suspended. Surely he wasn’t at the police station? I thought we’d got rid of him.’
Pauline can’t help herself. She starts giggling. ‘Audrey! You set us up. Again. You tried to get us to kill Columbo all those weeks ago. Why didn’t you tell us?’
Ivy shakes her head. ‘How did you even . . .’ Something occurs to her. ‘Hold on.’ She turns on Audrey. ‘You’re the one who suggested I go to that particular support group! You’re the one who suggested I started writing a journal about it, logging the worst of the men and their stories.’ She blinks. ‘Wait, now I remember – you even suggested we go after Dominic first.’
‘It’s just a coincidence, my darling,’ Audrey says with wide, innocent eyes.
Teddy snorts. ‘Why didn’t you say anything when you saw him then? When we were following him around outside the pub?’
‘I wasn’t wearing my glasses.’
Pauline starts laughing again.
‘Bullshit!’ Teddy declares, but she looks like she’s going to laugh as well.
Audrey shrugs, looking caught out. ‘Oh, all right, fine. But if I reallypromiseto stop planting things and manipulating all of you, can we just put this tiny little indiscretion behind us?’
‘So youdidset all of this up?’ Ivy is goggle-eyed. ‘You knew who Columbo was from the start?’
Audrey gives a mischievous grin. ‘You didn’t think I’d look into the dreadful police officer harassing me and my daughter? I spent months looking for Pauline, but you thought I’d let Columbo go without a thorough investigation?’ She tuts. ‘Turns out he was another awful, abusive, women-beating shit and his colleagues were covering for him. He really did deserve to be on our kill list. I just made sure he was at the top of it.’
‘Hedidneed to be stopped,’ Ivy murmurs and Audrey scoops her up for a cuddle.
Teddy points a stern finger in Audrey’s direction. ‘Just because that cretin deserved what he got, doesn’t mean what you did was right.’ She sighs. ‘OK, look, we’ll laugh this one off, but no more of this, Audrey! Just tell us the truth. We can handle it. We still would’ve taken Dominic Shipman on, even if we’d known who he really was.’
‘I’m rather glad I didn’t know,’ Pauline admits. ‘I was already on the verge of breaking down half the time. Knowing we were stalking the man who was also stalkingus, and a police officer no less, might’ve sent me over the edge.’
‘You’re welcome, my darling!’ Audrey beams.
Teddy rolls her eyes. ‘I think we deserve a drink.’ She heads for an inbuilt fridge, reaching inside and retrieving a bottle of Dom Perignon. ‘It’s pink!’ she adds with a grin.
‘Vintage!’ Audrey observes with delight grabbing for the bottle as Ivy gathers glasses. She pops the top and pours. ‘Four hundred pounds a pop, this stuff!’ she cackles and Teddy frowns at her.
‘Audrey, just because you haven’t really won the lottery, it doesn’t mean you have to be gauche.’
‘Actually,’ Audrey laughs again, ‘I meantwhat a shamewe have to consume such apauperdrink. You should see my castle’s wine cellar. We have a Domaine Leroy Corton Renardes, Grand Cru bottle of wine in there that’s worth about fifty thou. There’s also a disgusting Speyside Single Malt Scotch Whisky my father bought. It’s from 1940 and worth two hundred and fifteen thousand pounds. My dad says he’s going to drink it on his a hundred and tenth birthday.’
Pauline regards her, open-mouthed. Two hundred and fifteen thousand pounds for a bottle of booze that tastes like chargrilled soil? She’ll never get used to this world. Though,when she tastes Teddy’s pink champagne moments later, she makes a mental note that she would like to. It’sgorgeous. Smooth and delicate with toasty, nutty flavours. Not a hint of fabric softener.
Ooh, maybe that’s what she’ll do next: become a professional champagne taster. Is that a thing?
