It was essentially what Donovan had said, but without the heat of an argument warping the words in my mind. I hated how logical she made it sound, but only because I felt stupid for not realizing it earlier.
“As my best friend, aren’t you supposed to be on my side in a fight?” I grumbled instead of answering.
“As your best friend, I’m supposed to look out for you, and in this instance, that means pointing out that Donovan’s idea is a good one,” she said with a shrug. “Will you at least think about it?”
“Yeah, fine, I’ll think about it.” Even I wasn’t stubborn enough to shoot down a good idea just because it made me wrong. Mostly, at least. I’d still probably drag my feet for a few days before admitting defeat.
“Good.” Careful not to knock the cup out of my hands, she gave me a quick hug. “Now. Let’s circle back to you going out on your own, because I distinctly recall that you promised you’d never do that again.”
Of course she’d remember that. I’d hoped it would be forgotten in light of everything else, but I really should’ve known better.
“I didn’t want to bother anyone. Donovan and Will have been working nonstop trying to find Rebecca Perez, and it was almost time for you and Camille to get up for work, so I didn’t want to make you late if it took awhile.”
“Every single one of us knew what we were agreeing to when we said we’d go with you,” Raina said sternly. “Losing an hour or two of sleep wouldn’t have killed me and neither would getting to work late. I mostly go in that early to keep Cami company while she bakes. She would’ve been fine alone for one morning.”
“Maybe, but… it’s my problem, not anyone else’s. Why should I make you guys suffer and lose sleep when I can handle it on my own? How many times will you guys get a late night call and have to come out in the cold or the rain before you get sick of it? How long would it take for you to start resenting what I can do?”
How long would it take for you to start resenting me?I didn’t say those words out loud, but they were there, echoing in the back of my mind.
“Alex. There is nothing on this planet that could make me resent you, especially for something you can’t control.” Raina said each word slow and clear, her dark eyes locked with mine. “You could call me every single night, rain or shine, and I would never get upset with you.”
“That’s easy to say now, but it’s not always a quick walk out to the park and back,” I protested, but it was weak. “With… what happened in December, I walked all the way out to Silver Lake and through the woods in the freezing cold. It took over an hour. How can I ask someone to go through that with me?”
“How can you ask any of us to make you go through that alone?” she countered immediately. “Look, I’m going to say something you’re not going to like, but as your friend, I think I have to.”
“That doesn’t sound very promising.”
Raina took the nearly empty paper cup from me and grasped both my hands in hers. “Me and Camille and Donovan and Will… we are your family. We love you and I need you to understand that we are not your parents.”
I tried to jerk my hands back, but she held on tight, never breaking eye contact with me.
“I know that,” I protested. Something shuddered inside me, panicky, a trapped bird battering itself against the bars of its cage.
“I don’t think you do. What they did to you waswrong, Alex. They made you feel like you were a burden and they left you when you needed them the most. That fuckingsucksand I hate them for that. I hate them for making you feel that way all these years later and making you think everyone will be the same as them.”
The trembling spread through my body and my hands would have been shaking if Raina weren’t holding them so tight. “I know you’re not like them,” I said, but it came out soft, the whisper of a frightened child.
“You know in your heart, but maybe not in your head, and I don’t blame you for that,” she said with a faint, sad smile. “I’ll prove it to you as many times as I need to. You are not a burden, Alexander Copeland. Can you promise me you’ll call me if and when it happens again? Promise me and mean it.”
Making that promise had been easy in the hospital. Still reeling from the trauma of being kidnapped, shot, and possessed, agreeing to call them had been easy, a balm to soothe my fear. Now, with a clear head and decades-old wounds seeping, the words were almost impossible to say. The pain in Raina’s eyes made the decision for me, though. She wanted to keep me safe and protect me, just like Donovan did, and he’d worn the same pain this morning. By breaking my promise to them and trying not to be a burden, I’d hurt them both. Could I live with myself if I did it again?
Slowly, still shaking, I nodded. “I promise. I’ll take someone next time, no matter what.”
“And you’ll talk to Donovan,” she prompted gently.
“And I’ll talk to Donovan.”
Raina drew me into a hug and I let her, leaning against her slender shoulder, all the while silently praying I would never have to put that promise to the test again.
***
For the second time in less than a day, I broke a promise.
My phone sat in front of me on my coffee table with the text thread to Donovan opened, but no matter how long I stared at the screen, I couldn’t bring myself to type anything. And honestly, the longer I stared at the screen, my emotions simmering and roiling up inside me, the less Iwantedto. Why should I be the one reaching out first when Donovan had been the one to say those things? Yes, I’d fucked up, too, but mine had been a general fuck-up. Donovan’s had been personal.
Raina’s words from this morning tried to sneak through the miasma of hurt, anger, and fear encircling me, slipping in to remind me that this was a two-way street, but it was far too easy to let the chaos within me wash those words away.
“This sucks,” I groaned and Louis looked over at me. He lay sprawled across one of the bags from Esoteric Oddities, which had to be uncomfortable, but I guess to a cat, a little discomfort was worth causing a minor inconvenience.
