“You’re not going to need it. This is fine. Oliver is a great friend. My best, next to you. I will be fulfilled if that’s all he ever is.”
“It seems I can’t change your mind, your adamant selflessness is already running this show.”
“I get it, you think I’m wrong.”
“Ithinkyou’re limiting yourself and it’s only going to make you unhappy, or worse, hurt you, and I don’t want to see that happen.”
“And I don’t want to see that little scrunchy thing your face does when you’re upset. Shall we pivot into the fun part of this conversation? Like how ’bout you tell me what my best friend—my gay best friend—thinks about how his straight best friend is... surprise, not as straight as advertised. Plot twist of the century, am I right?”
“Did you miss the part where I told you it doesn’t surprise me?”
“I mean, yeah, but I thought you meant in a reflective, philosophical,given your aceness perhaps this was inevitablekind of way.”
“Please, Micah and I called you being into Oliver after our last get-together.”
“Hang on. You seriously both knew?”
“Luke, you sweet cinnamon roll. I’ve told you before, while you are incredibly attuned to the sexual chemistry and attraction in others, when it comes to yourself, your perception packs a suitcase and flees the country. Micah and I saw this train heading toward the station weeks ago.”
“Why didn’t either of you say anything?”
“You needed to see it for yourself. Also, per queer law, we are strictly forbidden from interfering with a baby-bi awakening before it’s fully incubated. Early meddling can stunt development or cause premature label panic and increase risk of closet hiding. Best to let the little bisexual emerge naturally.”
“Right, I’m sure that’s a real rule.”
“As real as the sacred rite of first pride and the annual summoning of Lady Gaga. I don’t make the rules, but as a long-term gay with his identity properly laminated and filed, I am required to enforce them.”
“What I’m hearing is, I have a lot to learn.”
“Mountains. But lucky for you, you have me, your self-appointed gay mentor through this technicolor metamorphosis. So, now that you find yourself on the other side of the proverbial fence, any gay wisdom you’d like me to impart?”
“Gay wisdom, huh? What specifically are you offering? A comprehensive orientation package, or a deluxe starter kit with glitter accents?”
“I think you’re a bit beyond the orientation package. You, my friend, are currently enrolled in Advanced Accidental Gay Pining, and I daresay you’re top of the class.”
“Pining implies I’m standing on a balcony in a billowy shirt, clutching my chest, sighing dramatically at the moon, and whispering his name to the stars. I’m not that guy.”
“So you didn’t open this heartfelt confessional by admitting to having dick dreams about the man you live with.”
“Okay, maybe there’s some light pining. An understated, gentlemanly sort, accompanied by strings and a piano, possibly rain.”
“Mm. Tell me, Luke, how gentlemanly are you while you’re moaning his name into your pillow with your fist wrapped around your—”
“Alright! I came here for emotional support, not to be roasted on a spit.”
“And I’ve given you both. That’s called versatility. You’ll need to get acquainted with the concept if you’re dipping your toes into the pool of attraction to men.”
“Okay then, what’s the first pearl of gay wisdom?”
“I’ll start with this. Consider it your own personal gay fortune cookie. If a man makes your chest ache and your pants tight, maybe stop fighting it and kiss him already.”
I barked out a laugh too loud for the quiet corner of the diner, drawing a brief glance from a passing server. “That’s it? That’s your divine gay proverb?”
“I thought it apt. I could embroider it on a pillow for you, in cursive, with a border of hearts and a unicorn in a mesh crop top.”
“You forgot the rainbow fringe.”
“Damn. You’re right. Rookie mistake. But look at you, already thinking in terms of aesthetic and gay camp. One more name to add to the ever-growing tally of souls converted by the gay agenda. It’s taken over a decade of relentless work, but at long last, my efforts to wear you down have finally borne glittery fruit.”
