“Yeah, what I mean is, something happened a week ago that made me realize I have feelings for Oliver. Emotional and apparently physical ones, and it’s kinda throwin’ me.”
“I can understand how this has taken you for a bit of a whirlwind. For what it’s worth, it doesn’t surprise me you might be developing feelings for Oliver.”
“It doesn’t?”
“Not really. You’ve been living with Oliver for months now, he’s let you in, and you’ve made space for him in ways you probably didn’t notice. Maybe without realizing it you’ve established every condition with Oliver that needs to exist before you can feel something more for someone. Perhaps because of how you form attachments and develop attraction, those feelings, when they do arrive, aren’t driven by gender at all.
“That tracks. I mean, I’m not so locked into the whole straight guy thing that I can’t call this what it is. Before I had ace language, I wondered. I thought if I didn’t like women that way maybe I liked men. But I didn’t feel anything beyond friendship towards the guys I knew back then either. When desire finally showed up, it was toward women, so I kinda defaulted to thinking that was my deal. But there’s no pretending you’re straight when you’re actively jerking off to another dude.”
“You’d be amazed how far people will go to bury the truth from themselves. But you’re right, that’s never been your way. You’ve always been open to possibilities and met yourself head-on, even when it’s something you weren’t prepared for.
“This definitely blindsided me. I didn’t realize this thing with Oliver meant anything more until seven nights ago when I had to look at it.”
“So, now that you see it, what are you going to do about it?”
“That’s the part that has me all twisty tied. I don’t wanna mess up and ruin the great thing we do have. I don’t wanna offer him something I can’t quite fulfill. You know my messed-up track record with sex.”
“Iknowthat not everyone you’ve been with could meet you where you needed to be met. But given everything Oliver’s lived through, emotional closeness isn’t just something he values, it’s something he needs too. In a different way, but the overlap is there. Maybe where your relationships fell apart before won’t matter with him.”
“Maybe, but that’s just one concern.”
“What’s another?”
“I took him in to give him a safe place. No strings. No pressure. If I go and try to make it more, what does that do? Would he feel like he owed me something? Would that make me less of a safe person for him, less trustworthy? That’s the last thing I ever want.”
“Luke, you’re not some predator lurking behind kindness, waiting for a moment of weakness to strike. You’re a man who’s cared deeply for someone who needed you, and somewhere along the way, that care deepened into something else. Doesn’t mean you’re unsafe.”
“Uh, hello! I just admitted to you that I jacked off to thoughts of him, without his consent, while he remains unaware. That seems pretty predatory to me.”
“Wanting someone isn’t predatory. Fantasizing about them isn’t predatory. Jerking off to them in the privacy of your own brain, newsflash, still not predatory. Touching him without consent? Crossing boundaries? That’s predatory. You haven’t done that. You’ve done the extremely normal and harmless thing of realizing you might be into someone, and oh no, having sexual thoughts about them.”
“It just seems wrong. He’s been through so much. He trusts me. I’ve seen what happens when trust gets weaponized.”
“And that’s the difference,” Ezra said. “You’re aware of the power dynamics. You’re asking yourself if your attraction could hurt him. That’s not what predators do. Predators don’t sit in diners at three a.m. with their best friend dissecting their moral compass over a jumbo stack of pancakes and hash browns.”
“I dunno. Intentions don’t change the optics. He still needs time and the right to define his life on his own terms and not filtered through someone else’s wants.”
“Oliver’s not glass. He’s endured more than most people can comprehend. He may still be learning how to breathe in his newfound freedom, but he’s also learning to choose, to trust, to claim his life and what he wants instead of letting others define it for him.”
Reaching across the table, he placed his hand over mine.
“Don’t rob him of that. Don’t decide for him what he can or can’t handle, especially not under the guise of protection. That’s fear dressed up as virtue and you’re better than that. If you want him to live on his own terms, then you have to let him, without assumptions, without limiting his freedom when it includes you.
“So, what? You think I should tell him?”
“I think you should explore what you want. Removing all the obstacles and perceived issues, would you want to be in a relationship with him?”
“I think I would, yeah, but I don’t want to ruin—”
“Ah, ah, what did I say?”
“Don’t consider the obstacles and issues. But Ez, I have to. If I make a wrong move here, I could lose what we already have. And I’d rather have his friendship than nothing at all. I mean fuck, I didn’t even realize I wanted him like that until a week ago, so it’s not like it’s not doable.”
“You could also be throwing away something significant. These aren’t feelings you have often, are you prepared to let that slip away?”
“If it meant the continuation of our friendship, yes, I would. I can deal without the other stuff, but not having him as a friend? I can’t do that.”
“Alright, have it your way. Guess I better be prepared with the hose, because here you are doing what you do and setting yourself on fire for the sake of someone else.”
