Riley clenches his fists and squeezes his eyes shut, a tear slipping free anyway and rolling down his cheek. “Stop. Fucking. Saying that.”
I’m not sure if he wants a response, so I stay quiet, trying my best not to spiral into a panic that will make things worse.
After a moment, he opens his eyes and pins me with a look that almost brings me to my knees. I expected anger, or even disappointment. But the pure anguish written across his face is almost too much to bear.I did that to him.I did that, with my carelessness and selfishness, and I don’t know how to undo it now. I open my mouth to say…I don’t know what. Probably to apologize again. But he holds up a hand, stopping me.
“I don’t want to hear it right now.” The ice in his voice is sharp and cuts me to the core immediately. “Do you know what it’s been like for me these past few weeks? Do you have any clue what it feels like to walk on eggshells around the person you care most about during the day, and then to have that same person melt into you at night as though nothing is wrong? Do you know how upsetting and confusing that is? Because I could write the book on it now, Luke. I thought maybe it was just nerves, that maybe you just needed time to adjust to this new normal, but nothing I did helped. Nothing I said made you want to let me into whatever it is you were feeling, and it makes me wonder if I even know you at all.”
“I didn’t know,” I whisper, dropping my gaze. I can’t bear to look at the pain in his face any longer, even though I know I deserve it. I’m too much of a coward to face the consequences of my actions, even now. He doesn’t interject, and I take that as a sign to continue. “I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling. So I thought maybe if I ignored it, I wouldn’t have to deal with it, I guess? I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m sorry, Ry.”
A frustrated sigh escapes him, and I force myself to meet his eye again. “I know it doesn’t mean anything, and I know it’s too late,” I try again. “But I didn’t know how to handle everything changing so suddenly…and I didn’t know how badly it wouldhurt you. I know I’ve been a dick. I do. And I don’t have any excuse for that. But please…please let me make it up to you.”
He raises a skeptical eyebrow at that, but some of the fire has gone out of his eyes. “And how do you plan to do that?” he asks warily.
My mind is racing. I didn’t think this through. “We could go away,” I blurt, the idea forming on the fly.
“How is that supposed to help?” The anger has dissipated, and now he just sounds exhausted.
“Let’s take a long weekend somewhere close by,” I insist, taking a step toward him. He gives me a warning look, and I stop in my tracks. “No collabs, no cameras, just me and you. And we can talk, and you can ask me anything you want, and I’ll try and answer. I promise I will. We can go to Palm Springs tomorrow! Rent a house and just reconnect. We haven’t been anywhere since we got back from Oklahoma—maybe the change of scenery will help.”
He doesn’t say anything, his expression unreadable.
“Please, Ry.” I know I’m begging now. I don’t care. “Please let me make this up to you.”
Riley sighs, his eyes falling shut and tension draining from his body, as if he’s already tired of this conversation and he’ll say anything for it to end. “Fine. But I can’t do this with you now. I’m going upstairs to take a nap. Figure out a plan and let me know.”
I spend the rest of the afternoon searching for rentals in Palm Springs that are available last minute. Options were slim, butfortunately, I was able to find a beautiful mid-century home that had a late cancellation. It cost me an arm and a leg, but I don’t even care. It will be worth it if I can get my shit together and make everything right with Riley.
After double-checking the confirmation email, I sigh and close my laptop, resting my head on the back of the couch. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The past few weeks have been hell for me, too, but the more I avoided figuring out the actual problem, the harder it was to close the distance that stretched between us. There were so many times I felt like I was drowning in all of the guilt and shame I was carrying around, and Riley would throw me a life raft just by being his kind, warm, caring self…but my fear of what might happen if I let myself take it outweighed the fear of drowning, so I kept sinking further and further into the cold, lonely depths of my own mind.
I knew I was being an asshole, and I missed the way things were between us before, but it was like I was outside of my body watching myself become this person I didn’t like, and I was powerless to make myself change course. And then I would make it worse by going to the very person I had been hurting and begging him to fill the emptiness inside of me. And he would. Every single night, he would…until last night. His rejection stung in a way I wasn’t prepared for, and of course I didn’t know how to handle it. I lashed out and made it worse.
I don’t know how to fix this. I know I have to tell him about Cooper, but I’m terrified of what will happen when I do. I just want to go back to before any of this happened, when we were happy. My relationship with Riley is like a fist full of sand—no matter how tightly I try and hold on, I’m slowly losing him with each passing minute.
The anxiety I’ve become so familiar with pools in the pit of my stomach, and my gaze drifts automatically to the bottle ofscotch, sitting like a beacon on top of the refrigerator. Just a little bit would be enough to soothe that horrible churning in my gut…
No. I can’t let myself go there right now, not when drinking before a collab is what set off this bomb in the first place. I didn’t think about Riley’s rule before I did it, I was just trying to relax before I had to watch some other guy fuck the man I love.
Because that has to be what this is, right? This feeling that’s so wholly unfamiliar, and so intense that it almost hurts to look at it, but it hurts even more to look away. Even before I recognized it for what it was, it thrummed in my veins, disguised in the instinct to protect him—whatever it takes, whatever the cost.
But how do I protect him from me?
The drive to Palm Springs is the most excruciating three hours I think I’ve ever experienced in my life. Riley has barely spoken a word to me since he told me to figure out our weekend plans, only responding when absolutely necessary. His silence is unnerving, and his bright, happy grin is nowhere to be found. I hate myself a little bit for being the cause.
With only my driving playlist and the occasional direction from the GPS to fill the awkward silence, I have a lot of time to think, and by the time we reach our house for the weekend, I’m determined to make this the best trip Riley has ever had.
He perks up a little as we wander through the house, checking out the sleek, minimalistic furnishings, the fully stocked fridge, and the pool with a beautiful view of the opendesert. I congratulate myself for finding this place; the vibes are perfect for the romantic getaway we both need to get our relationship back on course.
“You hungry yet, baby?” I ask as I finish unpacking our suitcase. “We could check out one of the local restaurants, or we could just hang by the pool for a bit after that drive. Whatever you want.”
Riley glances out the sliding glass door at the pool and then plucks his Speedo out of the top drawer of the dresser, making his way to the bathroom without another word.
Well, guess that’s decided then.
With a sigh, I shed my own shorts and T-shirt and change into my favorite black Speedo before making my way to the kitchen to grab a couple of flavored waters from the refrigerator. I snort a little as I select a peach-flavored one for Riley and a pineapple-flavored one for me. I wonder if the fruit flavoring is natural?
Riley is already relaxed back on one of the pool loungers, his taut, tan body stretched out like a prince waiting to be serviced by his royal servants. If things weren’t so tense between us right now, I’d slide that little green Speedo down and have him in my mouth in a flash. I’m salivating a little just thinking about it.
Instead, I clear my throat and hand him a water bottle. He nods in thanks, but I can’t see his expression behind his dark sunglasses. This silent treatment is well deserved, but it’s going to kill me before long. So instead of taking the lounger beside him and sipping water, uncomfortable as fuck, I turn toward the pool, strip out of my Speedo, and dive ungracefully into the crystal-clear water.
