“I was on my own then, with a lot of money from my inheritance that I just wanted to blow on booze and drugs but there was a letter from my grandpa in his will saying that he’s sorry he didn’t know how to help me, that he hopes this money would help me put my life back together.” He sighs deeply.
“It’s okay, Gavin.” He looks me in the eyes. “I get it now.”
“I’m–” I put my fingers to his lips, but that doesn’t stop him from saying what he came here to say. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I had no basis to accuse you of drinking too much.” His words are muffled under my touch but I understand them loud and clear. He reaches for my face to wipe the tears away. I lean into his touch. His hands are softer than I would have expected. I wish I could savor this moment longer, but he backs away.
“You only wanted to make sure that if I really had a problem, you’re there for me.” He nods, concern visible in his beautiful eyes. “I know, it’s okay.”
I lay my head on his shoulder. His muscles tense at first but soon enough he loosens up and we stay like that for a few minutes, being there for each other. Until the spell breaks.
“I can’t do this, Pete,” he whispers, pain and insecurity lacing every word. “I can be your friend, Iwantto be your friend, but that’s all I have to offer. And you deserve so much more.”
I say nothing, because it’s not the time to argue with him and tell him how wrong he is.
He stands from the couch and turns to leave. Before he walks out he looks at me.
“Are we okay?” he asks, looking uncertain about me being quiet.
“Yeah, Grumpy Bear. We’re good now.”
He waves an awkward goodbye and walks out the door.
I don’t know how long I sit there after that. At some point Jordan appears next to me and hugs me tightly.
“What are you going to do?” Of course he heard everything. It’s not like the walls here can give us any real privacy.
“I’m not sure yet.” I think about it for a bit. “For now I’ll let him think he can have it his way. But I’m not giving up.”
“He lost so much. I don’t know how he survived all of that.” I can hear the sadness in Jordan’s voice.
“I know. He deserves happiness in his life, and I am the epitome of happiness.”
“Well if anyone can get through that thick skull of his it’s you.” He smiles at me even though his eyes still show the sadness that Gavin’s story brought to them. “I just hope he can see your worth and realize you are the best thing to ever happen to him.”
“You and me both, babe.”
CHAPTER 11
GAVIN
Walking out of Pete’s apartment isn’t fucking easy. I discovered in the last few hours of uncertainty that his closeness is something I crave. Forcing myself to stay away from him physically hurts. Good thing I am no stranger to pain, because I know I need to keep a professional distance from Pete. It’s what’s best for him, even if he can’t see that right now.
As I drive back to my apartment, I feel a strong urge to stop at every shop that I pass by. Each of them is stocked with booze. After the things I revealed tonight it would be understandable to have a drink, right? I don’t stop though. I can’t give in now.
You didn’t tell him about me.
That fucking voice again. How was I supposed to talk to him about Adam? About the guilt I’ve carried around since the day he died?
It wasn’t your fault, you dumbass.
I try to ignore it. I’ve heard it in my head a million times by now. It doesn’t change anything.
Why don’t you want to be happy?
Because I don’t fucking deserve it. And there goes my resolve to ignore that voice.
Of course you do. It’s me who died, not you.
Ugh, why didn’t I stop and buy a bottle of Jack?
