A knock sounds on the doorframe, signaling the arrival of Belle’s doctor and my dad’s return.
“Good morning, Mrs. Gilmore. Miss Gilmore.
“I’d like to run another scan to check Isabelle’s brain activity. Last night the activity was minimal at best. But we did not want to let her go until the swelling in her brain subsided. If she shows no sign of improvement today, we can discuss your options moving forward. Namely, whether we give her more time or remove her from the ventilator and let her go in her own time.”
Let her go? LET HER GO?!I want to lash out, to tell this doctor my sister will not be ‘let go’ if my life depends on it. I will not just ‘let go’ of my Belle. Thankfully, I still maintain some semblance of self-control, and keep my mouth shut.
The walls are starting to close in around me. I need some space. Air. Distance.
Without saying a word, I pick up my purse, squeeze Dad’s hand, and leave Belle’s hospital room.
I look around for any sign of the exit, walking toward the red glowing sign before stopping at the nurse’s station.
The curly-haired nurse is immersed in her work and I don’t thinkshe heard me approach. “Could you tell me where to find the pediatric ward? Or, better yet, can you give me a room number for a specific patient? She’s my niece.” She startles as she looks up at me. I was right, she had no idea I was standing here.
“Sure thing. Name?”
“Sunny Donnelly.” My fingers tap, tap, tap on the countertop. My palms are starting to sweat. I need to get out of here. Leaving Belle’s room didn’t do much in the way of stopping the walls from suffocating me. First I’m numb, then I’m angry, then I’m exhausted, and now I’m claustrophobic. I must be overwhelmed.
No shit, Sherlock.
“Miss Donnelly is in room 4201. The pediatric ward is on the fourth floor, and if you turn right out of the elevator you’ll see a sign directing you toward in-patient rooms.”
I smile, thank her, and walk toward the elevators located just outside the ICU.
I look to the elevators, then left to the doors leading to the stairs. Which is the lesser of two evils? Either way, I’m closed in.
I choose the tiny metal box because the risk of twisting an ankle is significantly less on a flat surface.
I press the signal, calling for the elevator, and thankfully it doesn’t take long to arrive. As the doors open I thank God the thing is empty. I’m introverted by nature and being surrounded by strangers is the last thing I need when I’m overwhelmed.
I let out a deep exhale as I enter the elevator and press the number 4, followed by the closing button to prevent any other travelers from hopping on board. The walls don’t feel suffocating to me. This is good. This is very good.Breathe in. Breathe out.
“Give her more time or remove her from the machines and let her go in her own time.”What the hell is that doctor thinking? If she wasn’t going to make it, why did they hook her up to the machines in the first place? I’m not a doctor but, dammit, even I know ripping the bandage off is preferable to prolonging someone’s agony.
She’s going to be fine.I know it. Belle is strong, determined. She loves her life and I know she’ll fight for it.But how do you fight withoutbrain activity?That’s a stupid thought. I don’t fucking know but I’m sure she’ll figure it out.
She has to. Sunny needs her.Ineed her. I’m selfish. Standing here thinking about myself and how my life will crumble without my sister, meanwhile, a nine-month-old baby girl is lying in a hospital bed, about to face a world without her father and possibly without her mother. I can’t imagine my life without Mom and Dad. They’re my rock. My biggest fans. The best parents in the world. The thought of losing them does not compute.
The elevator finally arrives at the pediatric floor and I step out, turning toward the in-patient rooms as instructed by the nurse downstairs. The sign tells me 4201 is to the left, so I turn in that direction and read the numbers on each door until, finally, I reach 4201 at the end of the hall.
“Knock, knock,”I whisper, slowly opening the door and hoping I’m not disturbing Sunny or Aunt Melody if they’re asleep.
“Alis, honey, I’m so glad you’re here.” Melody stands from her recliner near the window and walks toward me for a hug. “She’s still sleeping. Poor thing was up most of the night. I can’t imagine that crib contraption is at all comfortable.”
“No doubt. Plus she’s still nursing and sleeps with Alex and Belle most nights.”
“Ah, I see. No wonder she didn’t sleep well. I’d wake up every few minutes as well if my bedmates disappeared.”
Disappeared.Is that what happened? Did Alex disappear? Will Belle disappear?
I give my aunt a small smile and walk toward the crib to find Sunny, chestnut curls splayed everywhere around her head like a lion’s mane. She sleeps like a starfish and her blanket is wrapped around one leg and tucked behind her back.
I stifle a laugh. “The kid sure knows how to take up space. I can’timagine sleeping with her arms and legs spread eagle and poking into my side all night.”
“She is adorable.” Melody comes closer, placing her hand on the small of my back and resting her chin on my shoulder as we both watch her sleep.
“What’s the update on Belle? Everything going well in the ICU?”
