“Okay, hook me up.” She holds out her arms.
Lex rolls her eyes. I really need to talk to her about hiding her judgmental expressions.
After Amelia is hooked up, we start walking.
“So, this is a lot.” I wave toward the stroller.
“And I have one at school in first grade too. It’s my life, but I couldn’t love it more.” Her perfectly slicked ponytail swings as she bounces in her running shoes that are paired with a matching jogging suit I’m wondering if she’s ever sweated in.
“Did you always want to be a mother?” I ask.
Lex moves the camera to the side and looks at me. I usually try not to steer my guests in a specific direction with my own questions, at least at the beginning. It’s more about allowing the person to say whatever, however they want. The conversation is always best when it flows organically.
“Who wouldn’t? Children are our greatest gift.” She picks up her drink and sips from her straw.
“I think there’s a case to be made for women who don’t want kids.”
“They might change their minds if they knew what they were missing. Raising children, making them good adults, molding and shaping the next generation… there’s nothing better.”
Her answers are so polite and politically correct—there’s nothing raw here. Lex moves in front of us as we cross the street. I rarely have to cut these conversations short because they’re not working, but this is exactly what I hate now that my show has gained popularity—the fact that people know me and what the show is about. I don’t want manufactured answers. That’s not what my listeners want either.
“Yeah… right.”
We turn a corner as she takes another sip of her drink.
I place my hand on her arm and turn off my mic. I don’t want to waste my time or hers. “Hey.”
She stops, and her smile still doesn’t leave her face. I really can’t tell if it’s fake or not. “Did I do something bad?”
I shake my head. “No, of course not.” I wave Lex over. “It’s just… you seem to have a great life and love being a mother. You obviously know my show is called If I’m Honest, which is kind of a confessional about what you don’t want other people to know. Something you might be keeping to yourself or advice to give others once you’ve gotten through a difficult situation. It’s awesome that you don’t have either of those. Admirable, but it just won’t work for the show. I’m sorry.”
She huffs and looks at the stroller. The baby fusses a little, and the toddler kicks his feet as if they sense their mother’s mood shift. “Do you mind if we go to the park? I have to nurse, and he needs to get his energy out?”
“Amelia…”
She raises a hand. “I get it. I do. I actually do have something I want to share.”
Lex raises her shoulders as though it’s my call. I’m not someone who can just turn away when there might be something there, and my intuition said that she was someone I wanted to talk to.
“Sure. You lead the way.”
We walk again, Lex filming in front of us. “I did always want to be a mother. I’m sure there are women out there who are appalled I didn’t want more for my life. But I wanted a husband, kids… a family because I never really had one when I was younger.” Her bubbly personality slowly fades. “God, I’ve told no one this… my husband obviously, but everyone else… well, I reinvented myself.”
My head tilts to the side. “Why?”
“Because in the world I live in, a deadbeat dad and a mother who needed sex to feel loved isn’t desirable.”
We reach the park, and she undoes the straps on the double stroller for her toddler, allowing him to play on the small swing set while placing a blanket over herself and positioning the baby to feed.
“How did you reinvent yourself?”
“Full disclosure… I went to college to meet a husband, and that meant leaving my life behind and starting new.”
She continues, telling me how she was smart and got into a good school on financial aid, but once she got to campus, she never talked to her mom again and has no idea where her dad is. She made friends, then borrowed clothes and makeup from them. When she met her husband her sophomore year, they fell in love.
“That’s the funny part,” she continues, her gaze never leaving her toddler.
I watch her body tense as the toddler approaches the stairs to the small slide.
