“I’ll be ready.”
“I’m gonna head out.Message me when you leave and I’ll meet you wherever you want me to,” he says as Rory collides with my side and pushes me into the edge of the picnic table.
“I’m sorry, Auntie,” she says, pulling back until I wrap an arm around her and hold her in place.
“It’s okay, Sweetheart.What has you so excited?”I ask her as Roger walks away and leaves the clubhouse.
“Daddy is gonna take me for a ride on his big bike!”Rory says, the largest smile on her face as she laughs and I see Caleb slowly riding his bike around the side of the clubhouse with Kreed next to him.There are a few other guys I can’t remember their names, and I realize all the kids will be getting rides on the big bikes.
“I can’t wait to watch you, Rory.Do you want me to get your picture?”I ask, already pulling out my camera from the pocket of the hoodie I put on before coming outside.
“Yes!”Rory yells as Caleb parks close and waits for her to make her way over to him.
I watch as he carefully puts a pink helmet on her head and straps it up.Caleb lifts her in his arms and places her on the bike in front of him.He leans closer to her and I can see his mouth moving but I can’t hear the words.I’m sure he’s giving her the rules of riding.Something she’s heard a million times because this isn’t the first time she’s been on his bike with him.Bryce takes a helmet from Kreed and puts it on before it’s checked and he climbs on the bike.Aiming my camera, I take several pictures of the bikes with the kids getting on.This will be a picture that should go in the clubhouse so each generation can remember this as they get older and make a million more memories.
***
Itook so many picturesof the kids and men riding around the yard of the clubhouse.I’m going to have to get a new memory card if I want to continue taking pictures.This one is almost full of the kids.I’ve had so much fun taking pictures of the day and capturing the genuine happiness and joy on everyone’s faces.Everyone involved in the rides is at peace and I can only imagine what it feels like because it’s something I’ve never felt before.Not until I came here, but I’m not sure I ever looked like this.
Just before the rides ended, I made my excuses to come back in the clubhouse and Kreed let me in his room.I had to beg him to go back outside with everyone because he’s been spending most of his time with me.There are things I need to take care of and won’t be able to if he’s sitting in the room with me just watching me.He’ll want to know what I’m doing and while I know he’ll support me, this won’t be easy for either one of us.Not if what Tank said is true.If Kreed loves me, he won’t want me to disappear even if it means getting the help I’m in desperate need of.
I go through Kreed’s room and pack the small duffle bag I find in the back of his closet.Other than some clothes and a few of the books I took that belonged to my mom, I don’t have much to pack.Everything fits in the bag and there’s room to spare.It really makes me realize how bad things are for me.Not just mentally, physically, and emotionally, but because I have nothing to my name.There is nothing to show for the years I’ve been in this world I can call my own.All the clothing I pack has been given to me by Kreed and Cali.I’m sure others in the club donated stuff as well.
Once I have everything packed and ready to go, I hide the duffle bag back in the closet so Kreed doesn’t see it.That man has an eagle eye and will spot anything out of place in a matter of seconds.It’s a risk packing my toiletries already because he’ll want to take a shower before climbing into bed.We both shower at night for some reason.The only time I take one in the morning is when I’ve had a horrible night and the nightmares caused me to sweat through everything.It doesn’t happen often, but there have been occasions where we have to both shower and change the bedding before we can go back to sleep.Well, before Kreed goes back to sleep.I wait for him to drift off before leaving him in the room alone to clean and feel useful.
“You okay, Pixie?”Kreed asks as he enters his room and finds me sitting on the bed like nothing has happened.
“I’m okay.Just looking at the pictures I took today of everyone,” I say, lifting my camera and holding it out to show him.
“I was gonna offer you a ride on my bike, but you disappeared before I could,” he says, walking over and kissing the top of my head as normal.
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that, Kreed.It looks like you all had a really good time, but isn’t the seat on your bike reserved for the woman you plan on marrying?”I ask him because it’s what I’ve overheard several of the guys say at different times since I’ve been here.
“That’s somethin’ I believe in.My seat will always be reserved for the woman I make my ol’ lady.No one else belongs on my bike.Not this one anyway.When I got my first bike, the only two women to get on with me are my mom and Cali.Cali usually rode with Caleb though.Or Darren when he got a bike of his own.It wasn’t long before the guys told us about the seat bein’ reserved for our women and ever since that day not a single other woman has been on my bike for any reason.You’re different, Pixie.We’ll have that conversation when you’re ready to have it.I don’t want to overwhelm you or push you into somethin’ before you’re ready.Whatever is happenin’ between the two of us, is at your pace.You have to know I care about you, Annistyn.And I know you care about me even if you don’t understand it.We have all the time in the world to figure out what we both want,” Kreed says, kneeling down in front of me and locking eyes without looking away for any reason.
“Okay, Kreed.We’ll talk about it all very soon.You know I’m not experienced when it comes to all of this stuff.I’ll have to lean on you to lead the conversation,” I say, laying myself open once again in the last few days.
“I know, Pixie.And Cali will be there if you have any questions after we talk.She knows I plan on talkin’ to you when I feel you’re ready.Hell, Reckless, my mom, Tank, Sam, and anyone else will talk to you too.Luca might be a good one to talk to,” he says, taking my hands in his and lacing our fingers together as he normally does.
“I’ll keep that in mind.Why don’t you take your shower first and then I’ll take one,” I say, needing to get him away from me because I’m not sure I won’t break down before he disappears in the bathroom to wash the day away.
“Okay, Pixie.Pick a movie you want to start watchin’ and have it ready.I’ll grab some snacks and drinks while you’re in the shower.Did you get enough to eat for dinner?”he asks, always wanting to know how I’ve been doing with my eating and I can’t blame him.It honestly makes me feel cherished and as if he truly sees me.
“I did get enough to eat at dinner.Cali and Luca made sure to give me slightly bigger portions than normal and Roger got me to eat a little more when I was ready to be done,” I tell him honestly.“It’s only been a few days since I got out of the hospital and I really do feel better if I’m being honest.My heart doesn’t race constantly and I haven’t been getting dizzy.I know this is the start down a very long road, but I’m pretty sure this hospitalization was my rock bottom and I’m ready to make the necessary changes,” I answer him as I look up to see him removing his cut and hanging it on the back of the door as normal.
“That’s really good to hear, Annistyn.I’m so fuckin’ proud of you and I know Cali and Roger are too.You’ve taken the first step no matter how scared you were and have continued that here now that you’re out of the hospital,” Kreed says and I feel myself sitting up straighter under his praise.He’s not mocking me or making me feel as if I’m not doing enough.For the first time I’m being lifted up and told I’m doing good even if I feel like I could be doing so much more at this point.“I’ll be out in a minute.”
Kreed heads in the bathroom while I make sure my phone is plugged in and charging.I want to have a full battery when I leave here tonight.The last thing I plan on doing is sending a message to Kreed once I’ve made it to the ranch.I won’t keep my phone on me because I don’t want to spend my time checking it when I’ll have other stuff I need to focus on.Roger will lock my phone in his safe where I can’t get to it no matter how hard I try.My cousin has also assured me he’ll inform the rest of the family that I’m there so they won’t randomly show up.He doesn’t want to force a meeting between us when I’m not ready.So far, they all understand.Roger explained things to them in as little detail as possible after getting permission from me.I will meet my family eventually, just not yet.I need to be stronger than I currently am.
