“I’ll be ready to move you here the second you’re ready, Mom.And I’ll make sure you have a house on the compound.I’m sure Annistyn will want you close as she gets to know you more,” I say before we go back to watching all the kids play.
The day seems to fly by as I check on Annistyn several times and find her talking with Roger in a quiet corner.Whenever someone gets too close to them, they stop talking and begin again when they’re alone.I’m not sure what they’re talking about, but I’ll give her the privacy she seems to need right now.By the time I notice her starting to yawn, I walk up and take her upstairs for bed.She showers while I wait for her and then slides in next to me.The only time I’m able to hold her is when she’s asleep, but I’ll take it for now.Eventually, I’ll be able to sleep with her wrapped in my arms all night long as she lays on my chest.That’s what I want more than anything.I’ll wait as long as it takes for her to get to that point.
Chapter Thirteen
Annistyn
ROGER STAYED LONGERthan normal at the clubhouse today.I’ve been trying to get him alone with no one around so I can ask him the questions I need to prepare for what I have planned.Talking to Tank the night before truly made me understand what I have to do if I want to keep Kreed in my life in any way.I have to get the help I’ve needed for so long in order to be the kind of woman Kreed needs at his side and in his life.A few words from a man who knows Kreed better than I do and I truly realized what I have to do in order to become the woman I was always meant to be.Someone who is strong, independent, doesn’t cower when I become overwhelmed, and can make it through an entire day without having a panic attack.A woman who can handle being around a large gathering like what we have here today.Things I’ve needed to do for an extremely long time and haven’t had the courage or support to take the steps necessary for a change in my life.I’ve been held back and down for so long and it’s been beaten into me that I will never be good enough for anything or anyone.
“Roger, I need to talk to you and I really need this conversation to remain private,” I tell my cousin as I look around the yard and find most everyone heading inside for something to eat.
“Anything you say will always remain private unless you tell me otherwise.I will earn your trust and keep it, Annistyn.What do you want to know?”he returns, his voice soft and gentle as we take a seat at one of the many picnic tables outside for the large group here today.
“Can you tell me more about your ranch?About the help I can get if I were to go with you?”I ask him while keeping my eyes locked on the table in front of me.
“We have therapists and psychologists on-hand around the clock.They are there for any emergencies that may come up.There is a full medical staff at the ranch and you’ll only see them when it’s absolutely necessary.We have horses that are used in therapy sessions.It’s more of a hands-on experience so I really can’t explain it to you without you seeing it in person.We also have other animals around the ranch.Not just typical animals you’d see on a ranch.We have birds, dogs, cats, and rabbits.People there for help are responsible for taking care of them.We also have a large garden everyone tends to.Meals are shared and there is a chore list everyone participates in.We all rotate weekly so no one gets burned out doing too much or the same thing every day they’re on the ranch.What are you thinkin?”Roger explains while I feel his eyes locked on me.
“It sounds perfect.Though, I can honestly say I’ve never been around horses before.I’ve tended to cattle and taught myself how to get through a harvest because my uncle could never remain sober long enough to do anything around the place.Everything was left to me and if it didn’t get done, I’d have to face the punishments they figured I earned.I want to say at least five days a week I was hurt for something so insignificant I truly didn’t understand what I had done wrong.Every day was the exact same thing and I never saw a way out.I was locked on the farm by invisible chains they used to shackle me and keep me dependent on them.At least until I was sold.Then I was kept in an actual cage until I was chained up in the building for the auction.Now, I need to learn how to move past it all and not let the demons win when they try to target me in my sleep,” I say, tears forming in my eyes because I’m once again starting to open up and it feels better than I ever imagined it would.
“I’m so sorry, Annistyn.While I knew your story wasn’t going to be a good one, I never once thought it was that horrible.How do you get through each day without completely losing your shit?”Roger asks me, his voice a broken whisper as I look at him.
“I get through each day because I have no choice in the matter.If I quit breathing, they win.If I let the demons haunt me to the point of insanity, they win.I refuse to allow them to win a second longer and will do whatever it takes for me to conquer the trauma and become the strongest possible version of myself,” I state with more bravado than what I truly feel because I’m terrified of starting this journey knowing I’ll have to leave Kreed behind.
“What are you gonna tell Kreed?”Roger questions me, his voice a little stronger as we continue to make sure we’re alone for this conversation.
“I don’t know yet.He knows this is something I have to do.I think he also realizes he can’t be there to hold my hand as I get the help I need.Honestly, I’m not sure how I’m going to leave him at this point.Kreed has become the center of my entire world and will be just as hurt as I am because we’ll have to spend time apart while I go to the ranch.Will he be allowed to visit at all?”I ask Roger not sure if I’d be able to handle a visit from him without wanting to leave.
“He can visit once you reach a certain point in your recovery.Everything is up to you, Annistyn.Nothing happens without you being okay with it.The pace of your recovery is set by you.Every part of your treatment plan is set by you with guidance from your therapist.Your goals, the work you do, and everything is based on what you need with a helping hand.You won’t always have someone there when you spiral so our goal is to teach you to deal with situations on your own and learn ways to cope,” Roger says, a note of pride in his voice I’ve noticed he gets when he talks about something he’s truly passionate about.“Have you really thought about this, Annistyn?This is what you truly want to do?”
“I’m honestly not sure if I’d be able to have him visit me, Roger.Does that make me a horrible person?Kreed has been there for me since he pulled me out of that building and I’m scared if he comes to the ranch, I’ll want to leave with him and stop my treatment whether I’m ready or not,” I tell Roger honestly as he looks at me.“I’ve been thinking about this since I got admitted into the hospital, Roger.This was the wake-up call I needed because if things don’t change, Iwill die.I’m honestly not ready to die yet.I haven’t had a chance to truly live my life or do anything good.I want to go to school for photography and possibly social work so no other child has to suffer the way I did.There’s so much of the world I have yet to see.”
“Annistyn, a lot of our patients don’t allow anyone to come see them until they’re ready to leave the ranch.They choose to focus solely on their treatment and wait to see the important people in their lives when they’re strong enough to handle going back to their lives,” Roger informs me as he stands from the seat next to me.“When are you thinking of coming to the ranch?”
“Tonight.I can’t handle being here and knowing I’m only delaying getting the help Doc told me I need.Is there someone there who will know how to deal with eating disorders?”I ask, not sure if that’s even something therapists deal with because I’ve never been able to research this.
“We do have a therapist who is well versed in eating disorders.She actually has one herself and can truly understand where you’re coming from.Are you sure you’ll be ready tonight?”Roger returns, his voice a whisper as Bryce and Rory make their way over to us.
