“Daniel, make sure you do your school studies this week. Got it?”
“Got it, dad. I’ll make you proud.”
I don’t have to tell him he already makes me proud. Even if he’s a little mischievous at times—especially lately—I’m choosing to be a bit more lenient. Even if ‘lenient’ isn’t really in my vocabulary when it comes to teaching my kids right. I give him a big hug.
“Bea, come give me a hug.”
She comes and wraps her entire self around me. Like she’s afraid I’ll disappear if she doesn’t hold on hard enough.
“I love you, baby girl.”
I hear a muffled, “I love you too, daddy.”
Bea pulls away slower than usual. Her eyes are shining, but she blinks fast, trying to hide it. I clear my throat and slap on asmile. If I cry every time I drop them off, I’ll never stop. Once she comes down, I send them off inside as the housekeeper opens the door. I wave goodbye to them and make the drive home.
I take the scenic route home, where the buildings are on my right and the ocean’s on my left. The sun has set, but the horizon has the tinge of deep purple, pink, and blue. As if it’s getting ready for sleep, getting tucked in, ready to shut the lights off. I have the window down, and the breeze on this balmy night is welcoming. It washes over me. People are walking down the promenade, getting ready to go to dinner or home after their beach day. I make a turn towards my building, and park in the basement garage in my allocated spot.
The moment I step into my apartment, loneliness crashes over me like a wave. I toss my keys onto the table and let the quiet settle over my shoulders like a coat I never asked to wear. The walls feel wider when I’m alone. Echoey. Hollow. Like they miss the noise too. I move toward my bedroom, finding my closet at the back as I walk through the door. I decide to get ready for bed, as I’m exhausted from the day—emotionally, and physically.
I jump into the shower and try to wash off my worries with the water. It never really works. As I jump out of the shower, I decide to take some time to read my Bible and spend some time in prayer. Lord knows I need it tonight with this weight currently sitting on my shoulders.
I move towards the windows to close the curtains. The apartment has lots of windows, overlooking the beautiful city. It’s pitch black now. The sky has lit up with the lights of people settling in their homes for the night, restaurants on the promenade hosting people. I move towards my desk, turn on the desk lamp, and take my Bible out of the drawer.
As I’m reading and praying, I think about what I want my future to look like. My mind has been so focused on the kidsrecently, I haven’t given it much room for anything else. But I still want a different future.
I know I’m not going to camp here forever. I know life will change. It’s going to get easier. But I’m still hoping I won’t live life alone. I don’t want to jump into anything quickly, either—I’ve got my kids to think about. I want a future with a woman who will love me and love God.
And that’s when I hear a whisper.
Take out a piece of paper and a pencil. What do you want in a woman?
Did I hear that right? That must just be my mind. I’ll just sit quietly for?—
Write out a list.
I blink. Okay, that was… clear.
Sometimes it’s hard to know whether it’s God or my mind speaking. But that felt solid.
I take out a pencil and paper and sit for a minute. What do I want? Immediately some traits come into my mind.Ten or more years younger. Loves God. Confident.Somehow, it’s not hard to think up what my dream woman looks like. I start writing. Maybe I’m not writing from my head. Maybe I’m writing from a deeper place.
After I write everything out—all the traits I’m longing for—I close in prayer.
“Okay, God. There she is. The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
Time to tuck it away into my wallet.
I don’t know what God is going to do. But I’m ready to keep my eyes, my heart, and my hands open.
4
Lizzie
July 1st, 1990
“Guess who’s going to board a plane in just two days?” I say to my sister.
“Madonna? Tom Cruise?”
