“It’s the one thing I need from you so that…” I paused, struggling to say the words because I knew this could never happen, not even after death.
“So that? I don’t have all day, Killian? What?” He was anxious for the answer. Good. It made me smile, raising my confidence or maybe it was a nervous tick.
“It’s the one thing I need so that I can move on. I need to know she is safe, away from him and all of this. Can you do that for me?” I’d delivered the entire request free of any emotion, as if I was a puppet and someone else was talking through me. It’d been so clean of emotion that I was almost proud of myself, but this was about her, this wasn’t a game to me.
I waited, not wanting to seem anxious for the answer, but he had me. I eyed him in my periphery before fully turning around to him.
His gaze jumped from the bottom of my body to my face, then his eyes squinted into slits full of overt suspicion. He moved his jaw from left to right, examining me. The hair on the back of my neck stiffened and stood until goosebumps covered my skin. I stretched my neck and shoulders, but really, I was trying to wring out the chill climbing up my back.
“I must admit, I admire your dedication and loyalty.” He paused. “Maybe one day this loyalty of yours will be directed at me.” His tone told me he was thinking about it. He was so close that his breath brushed my cheek while his eyes studied mine. “Fine. I’ll protect her as much as I can. After all, I’m not the boss of everything. But I’ll do my best—”
“You promise?” The question ran out of me before I gave it thought. That’s how desperate I was to keep her safe. I was surprised he’d agreed to it at all.
“Yes.” His gaze dropped to my mouth.
Purposefully, I licked my lips. “Then I’m your prince.”
“Oh yeah? Show me, show me how much you’re willing to do as my prince.” He impatiently unbuckled his belt, then unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. To not grimace or vomit, I had to step out of my skin. For a few seconds, I was not there. My body stood on its own, empty.
I was about to turn around and let him do what he always did, but he took hold of my forearm and pulled me to him, then forced me to kneel.
Master was happy with me. He’d come in oh-so desperate to use me, praised me through the act, and taught me to relax, to “enjoy it.” After, he’d be out of breath, satiated and spent, lying on the ground out of breath, naked. I waited because I knew the routine. He’d open his eyes and say, “God, you’re so beautiful. Such an incredible, good fuck.” Again, he’d close his eyes as hisbreath settled while I closed mine to push back the tears and bile. Sometimes, he was so rough with me that my entire body felt broken and I wouldn’t be able to move for hours.
The word beautiful had become so disgusting to me. I hoped she never thought this was what I meant when I said it to her. This was not the way I loved her, by ripping her body and mind to shreds.Please tell me she never thought I’d do this to her.I’ll never hurt you, Magdalena. I’ll never put myself above you.I wished for him to leave so I could finally cry, but he was comfortable, relaxing, so I had to keep the act. The show had to go on.
“I’m so in love with you. Tell me what you want. What do you need from me?”
The first thing I asked for was a toothbrush and toothpaste, but he wanted to give me more, so I asked for a daily warm shower. Next thing I knew, they built a shower just outside the cage.
At first, I took long, scalding showers right after he left, but then he told me I could only bathe to be clean for him, so I had to wait to shower right before his visit. The motherfucker forced me to go through the night with him all over me. After weeks of being clean, I couldn’t stand to be so dirty and found myself scratching my body at the feel of his hands all over me long after he’d leave. I’d scratch until I bled.
My days became a blur; so many hours of doing nothing except trying to pull the poles out of the ground. It was impossible. In the solitary silence I lost hours, days and the line between reality and dreams blurred again. Sometimes I would have nightmares of when Mum burned to death and he took me. He’d drag me farther and farther while Mum begged me to help her. I could only escape the dream by screeching myself out of them and then I sit there going through the list. Bhutan. Ireland. Cuba. Puerto Rico. India. Vietnam. Madagascar. Iceland. It was theonly thing that calmed me. I remembered how Magdalena said that Bhutan was a country in the clouds. I imagined us up in the mountains playing hide-n-seek in the fog.
If I ever find the way to free myself from here, I’ll never stop holding you, Magdalena.
When he wanted to give me more, I asked for blankets, a mattress, and finally, I asked for clothes. I knew he wouldn’t like the idea because he was constantly leering at my body. Eventually, I was content that we settled on a luxurious robe he swore by; it had multiple layers of silk gold stitching. “Fit for a prince, my prince,” he’d said.
The next things I asked for were books and a pencil. I truly asked for the pencil just to write but he thought I secretly wanted it as a weapon and made me pay dearly for it. He yelled, “You think I’m stupid?” He slapped me so hard I slid across the floor. That time, I didn’t hide the sobbing. I cried the entire time he brutally used me, but he was so infuriated, I’m sure he didn’t notice. That time it wasn’t only the sick lust but also a punishment, so the pain was pure agony. I’d thought I would die. I thought I would bleed all of myself out. And in fact they took me to the medical unit the next morning when they found me in a puddle of blood.
Two weeks later, he showed up with some books, one of them beingThe Little Prince. God, did I hate the ever living fuck out of that book. I saw it from the beginning, he thought he was my one rose for me to take care of, to spoil to endure the degradation from. He’d read chapters with me and analyze them, trying to force compliments about himself out of me. “You’re my rose,” I finally said, exhausted from the brainwashing taking place.
His eyes filled with tears. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you, my sweet prince. I don’t know what I’d do without you. No one ever understands. But you do. I knowyou’ve had to adjust and I’m not always perfect, but I know you understand that I love you.”
I nodded. “Yes. I do.” He kissed me after and forced my body to react to him.
It happened so many times that eventually, my body got used to it, and although deep inside I hated it, I learned I couldn’t help how my body reacted. I especially hated it when he’d stay the whole day and night. On one of those occasions, after the act, we sat side by side with our backs against the poles of the cage. He rambled for hours about the way he hated his wife, his sons. It was the first time I’d ever known Mael had a brother. A twin brother, of all things. I wondered where he’d been all this time but didn’t dare ask. As soon as he mentioned his name, Calum, he went into silence for a long time, staring at nothing. I didn’t say a word, preferring him to be in a trance instead of hurting me. Then like nothing he talked about how he liked to run his business. “You are my prince. Eventually, if you behave, if you prove your loyalty and love to me, I will let you out of this cage and you will help me run this project. People look down on it, but the fact of the matter is, this is the most profitable business there is in the world. The demand is so high we can’t even keep up.” He chuckled. “People are such hypocrites, aren’t they?” He paused, waiting for my answer.
“Yes, Master, they are.”
“Everyone wants a slave; someone they can use as they wish without pay or retribution, but no one likes anyone else having one. At least I’m honest I want one, and I understand why others do too.” He paused. “What I’m trying to say is that although you’re only mine, for my pleasure, there are other slaves here, but they’re for other Masters who happen to come from very luxurious lifestyles. We can’t just give them anybody off the streets and expect them to know how to act properly for theirMasters, they need to be properly trained.” He paused. “As I’ve trained you.”
Trained me.The words disgusted me to the point I had to cover my mouth. I coughed, but really, I was trying not to vomit. “You’ve been special because you didn’t need so much training. You were made for me, Killian, but unfortunately, that’s not always the case.”
I nodded but didn’t look at him. “I understand, Master.”
“If you stay by my side, you can be my equal partner. I’m willing to give you the world, Killian.” I turned my eyes back to him, and he kissed my forehead.
He’d watch with fascination while I climbed my cage like some spider. Even though I was doing it to loosen them, I’d told him it was how I exercised. On the next visit, he brought me the wholeSpider-Manseries.
