He stares straight ahead at the TV. “What do you mean?”
“Come on, Ethan.”
He sets down the cup and rubs his face. “I don’t know. I’m going to go back to school and you’re going back to Port Leyden after all this.” He pauses. “Maybe we shouldn’t have started anything.”
I’m not sure, but to me it doesn’t feel like “starting” almost more like continuing. It’s almost like we can sew up those five years like a ripped seam. “Okay, well, it doesn’t really matter what either of us go back to, does it? It’s not like you’ll never set foot in Port Leyden again. It’s not like I can’t ever get to the city.”
He looks down, but I catch the expression on his face. I’m freaking him out.
“I mean,” I say. “I was hoping, you know?”
He picks at the chipped black polish on one of his nails.
I sigh. “Or maybe not.”
“Look,” he says. “I don’t know. Okay? I need to think. All right? You told me last night that you stopped talking to me because my brother was mad. And he told me you said I was a pain in the ass. He never told me about a picture. And I think he would have. Maybe not that night or even later. But eventually, you know?”
“So, you don’t know if you believe me?”
He shrugs. “And then you went off and had a kid. I don’t know what I’m supposed to believe.”
“Listen, I thought Gina could be my ‘cover story,’ you know? And I guess she felt the same about me. Gina’s been seeing another woman. So, Gina and I aren’ttogethertogether. We co-parent for Mikayla’s sake. We don’t even live together anymore. We tried that, but…” I shake my head. “I know how weird and messed up it all looks, but that’s what happened. I’m just a fucking coward that makes bad decisions.” I move closer to him and grab his chin so he’ll look up at me. “Except for this one. Coming along with you, being with you, it’s the best decision I’ve ever made.”
He gets that sad puppy look in his eyes. There’s a little bit of hope there. Then he shakes his head again. “We need to get ready to go. I need to call that lady.”
He gets up then and starts picking up clothes off the floor and putting stuff back into the plastic totes. After a couple of minutes, I get up and help him.
There are giant piles of snow behind all the cars, but the parking lot is clear and same with the road. We use a combination of our feet and the fold-up shovel to clear away the pile of snow behind the car so Ethan can back out. It takes a few tries.
We make sure we’re square with the front desk and get back on the highway. We don’t say much as we drive. Ethan pops in the CD he made. I look down at the directions he wrote to the lady’s house. According to the map, she doesn’t live far from the rest stop Denny’s.
I’m a little disappointed that the unexpected layover in the motel didn’t seem to help anything between us. Ethan still seems wary of me, and I guess it’s important to him to get to where we’re going since we’ve lost two days.
“Want me to drive for a little while?” I ask.
He glances over at me. “I’m fine.”
“Okay, because we can switch it up. If you want.”
I see his jaw working like he might snap at me. Instead, he says, “Maybe. We’ll see.”
And that’s that for a few miles.
I look out at the snowy landscape, rolling white hills and a dim, cloudy sky. It’s depressing. The most fitting weather for what we’re doing, except that Everett wasn’t a big fan of winter. He loved being outside when it was warm. All those summers we spent outside blur together like a video on fast-forward. My eyes sting.
A random memory pops into my head. “You remember when Kevin Blake and Mike Craft busted up your Lego project?” Ethan looks at me and frowns. “When we were using the pay phones reminded me. Because you had to call your parents, and I spoke to your mom. You were going to be home late, and you didn’t really want to tell her what happened.”
He nods. “Yeah, I remember. It took hours.”
I look over at him. “What did?”
“Putting it back together. My science project.”
“Yeah, it did.” I laugh softly, looking out of the window. “You were so excited about it. You’d talk about it with Ev sometimes.” I paused. “I was a little jealous.”
He snorts. “Jealous of what?”
“That you guys could talk about stuff like that. Science-y stuff. I dunno. Smart stuff.” I look over at him. “I wasn’t as smart as you guys. So, I felt left out.”
