But then two things happened simultaneously. Ethan stuck his hand down my pants to jerk me off and there was a noise on the steps. I got off him immediately and we were still and quiet in the dark, listening. When we both figured out it was just a random creak in the house and not Everett coming up the stairs to catch us, Ethan wanted to continue, but I’d been too freaked out.
So, we both went back downstairs to the rec room to find Everett sound asleep, and we tried to pretend to sleep too.
Or at least I did.
I have a feeling I’ll be doing the same thing tonight.
He sighs and lies back flat on the bed. “I’m sorry if you feel like I used you.”
“Did you?”
He looks at me. “No.”
I can tell he’s serious. I move closer to him and wrap him up in my arms. He doesn’t even hesitate to put his arms around me. Would Everett have hated this? His gay brother and his gay best friend in bed together. Or would it have been more like some funny sitcom—Ev accidentally walking in on us, rolling his eyes, and making some kind of wisecrack.
I pull away from Ethan to look at him. “When did Everett talk to you about his ashes being scattered?”
Ethan looks like he’s thinking. “When we were at camp, actually. I guess I was like twelve, and there was this meadow, kind of on a hillside.” He pauses. “It was really pretty. There were these caverns nearby that we weren’t allowed to go in without any of the counselors. But we’d go over to them and yell and scream at the entrance to listen to the echoes.” He pauses again and looks down. “We were lying there one day, just meand Ev, in that meadow after a hike. Just lying there in the sun, resting, and I think it was the happiest I’d ever felt in my life. I guess because it was so peaceful and so pretty. Then Ev turned to me, and he just said, ‘Hey, when I die, I want my ashes scattered here.’ I laughed and he laughed. Because he was just saying, not like predicting, but I never forgot that. I never forgot that day.”
I wonder if Ev even remembered saying that, because it seems like one of those random things you say in passing, in moments, then never think of them again. I’m happy Ethan remembered for him.
“He’d be proud of you for remembering that and doing this. He really would.”
Ethan looks pleased for a moment, but then his expression darkens. “You think he’d be happy about this. About…you and me?”
I remember the last thing Everett said to me, his anger when he saw that picture. “I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I don’t know.”
15
Shane
January 1999
I expect to wakeup the way I went to sleep, with Ethan wrapped up in my arms.
But my arms are empty when I open my eyes to weak, gray daylight. The first thing I do is look for Ethan, but I hear the shower going, so the next thing I do is look out of the window. My chest gets a lift when I see the plows out on the road.
And the parking lot being cleared.
I go find the remote for the TV so I can find the local forecast.
When Ethan comes into the room with fresh eyeliner and his lock-chain necklace lying against a black sweater, I get up off the bed to go greet him with a hug and a kiss, but he stiffens when I approach him. He sidesteps me and goes over to his cigs and lighter on the table.
“What’s the weather saying?” he asks, putting on his coat.
“Um, there’s only a twenty percent chance of more snow today,” I answer, looking at the TV. “And the plows are out clearing the highway right now.”
“Great.” Ethan opens the door and cold air sneaks inside. “Be right back.” He goes outside to smoke.
I just stand in the middle of the room for a moment.
So, I guess it’s going to be like this now. I sigh.
I decide to take a shower too, and when I get out, Ethan’s at the table eating a cup of noodles and watching the weather.
I grab a cup, pour some hot water into it, and cover it, letting it sit to soften the noodles. I sit down with him at the table and we both watch the weather for a time, not saying a word and eating.
But then I can’t take it anymore. “Is everything okay?”
