“Ev took it. The night of the graduation party.”
Ethan blinks. “What are you talking about?”
“He never showed it to you?”
Ethan shakes his head. “Everett had a picture of us?”
“That’s why all this happened.” I sit down next to him. “I mean, basically that’s why. Ev saw the picture of us by the river. Remember, it was the one we took with my arms around you? Everett saw it. And he got upset. Well, more than upset. He was pissed.”
Ethan stares straight ahead at the TV. There’s a news program on now.
“I had all those pictures in my car, and he picked it up. And it was...” I pause there for a second. “It was like he didn’t see me the same way anymore. It hurt. And I tried to explain, but I didn’t know what to say, so I just took off in a panic.”
I can’t read Ethan’s expression. He watches President Clinton give a speech on the screen, then he looks at me. “That’s it? That’s why you ignored me for five years? Because Everett saw a picture?”
Shame creeps over me. “I didn’t want anyone to know.”
“About what? You and me?”
I hang my head. “That I’m gay.”
“It’s bullshit.” He shakes his head. “Such fucking bullshit. You know, Everett told me to just stop wondering about you and asking about you. Because I did. I asked Ev before he moved into his dorm if he’d heard from you, and he said I should just forget about you. He said you told him I was a pain in the ass. And you know what? I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe you’d say something like that about me. I thought there’d have to be more to it. But maybe you did and don’t want to admit it.”
“I never said anything like that. Everett saw us together. He had that picture. I was afraid he’d tell everyone. I was worried it would get back to my grandparents…It was stupid, I’ll admit it, but I never told Everett or anyone that you were a pain in the ass.” My face burns with the ridiculousness of it, because I’ve never really said this out loud before. It sounds so flimsy. The defense of a coward. An absolute coward.
Ethan is fuming. “I don’t fucking believe you.”
“It’s true.”
“If Everett had a picture of us, he would’ve told me.”
“I swear to god, Ethan. That’s what happened.”
He stands up, the towel around his waist slipping down a little. “I have a boyfriend.”
My stomach is suddenly filled with ice.
“What do you think of that? Huh, Shane? Did you think I’d never fuck another guy and be hanging on to you years later?”
I shake my head. “Why did you do all that stuff with me then? Why did you kiss me?”
He looks away from me. He shrugs. “I don’t know. Why not?”
“Nowyou’relying. You’re just trying to hurt me.”
Ethan doesn’t answer. He stares at the TV, his jaw clenched.
“Why are you even telling me all this?”
He glares at me. “To make you jealous.”
“So, there’s no boyfriend.”
“Are you jealous?” He gets closer to me and gets in my face. “Are you jealous, Shane?”
It’s not that I never thought Ethan would be with somebody else. Of course he would be. Why wouldn’t he? Of course, some other guy would take one look at that angelic Grecian prince face and fall in love with him. I knew all of this. I’ve known all of this for the past five years, but it’s always been in an abstract sort of way. And even though I know Ethan’s lying about a city boyfriend, I know what he wants me to say.
“Yes.” I grab his shoulders and pull him to me. I kiss him. Hard. “Yes, it makes me jealous, Ethan.”
