Then I kiss him again.
And again.
And again.
Towels come off and we roll around on the bed, photos and memories scattering onto the floor. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, a tiny voice is whispering a warning. It’s the same voice that was there when I was with Ethan before. The voice that worried me over what people would think if they found out I liked boys. The voice that wanted me to be afraid of what others would say if they knew that in the dark, where no one else could see, I liked kissing boys.
I liked kissing Ethan Sawyer.
But we’re illuminated here by motel lamplight and what should have been but never was. We’re not in the dark anymore, and in a way it’s a relief that we can see one another now. Not just here in the flesh, but in other ways too.
Somehow, I wind up rolling on top of Ethan. I didn’t plan to end up in this position, and I don’t think Ethan did either, but he breaks our kiss and looks up at me, his hands slowly rubbing up and down my arms. We probably both think it at the same time, because my dick reacts with the thought right when I feel him getting harder against my stomach.
I know he’s not a virgin. I know he’s hadexperience. Maybe with the boyfriend he says he has—that I’m sure isn’t real—but I try to block that thought from my mind, nonetheless. I try to shove away any thoughts of him with anyone else as he gets up from underneath me. I watch him get something out of his bag and go into the bathroom. He shuts the door and a couple seconds later I hear the shower cut on again.
I lie on the bed, my heart pounding and my erection waning.
I’ve heard of this being a thing. People wanting to fuck after someone has died. When my grandpa died, Gina told me about a friend of hers that worked at the lodge in Lyons Falls. She got a room for me and him. He was older than me, and even though I didn’t see a ring, I got this sneaking feeling there was a wife or a girlfriend in his life somewhere. It would make sense in our little neck of the woods. But I understood that people like to fuck after a funeral because fucking means life. It means hope.
And that’s what Ethan wants from me right now.
He comes out of the bathroom and gets back onto the bed with me, but this time he’s not empty-handed. He’s got lube and a condom. So, at some point, he learned then. He learned to prep himself, and I feel a little hurt he didn’t let me do it. I feel a little hurt he kept that part of it from me.
That’s not what I say, though, as I watch him crawl over top of me. Instead, I say, “Are you sure?”
He nods and then moves down my body. His tongue flicks one of my nipples sending a jolt through me. I raise my head to watch him kiss down my abdomen to my hip, where he nips at the skin with his teeth.
I wasn’t expecting it, so I gasp.
He glances up at me as he licks the head of my cock and takes me in his mouth. I suck in a breath and my eyes flutter closed. “Ethan…”
His tongue traces the underside in a zigzag pattern as if he’s had this exact move planned all this time. One of his hands moves up my thigh to my balls.
“Holy shit,” I stutter.
He sucks my dick and fondles me for a few minutes, and right when I reach down to touch his hair, he stops. I look down and the first thing I think as Ethan rolls the condom onto me is that he’s done this before.
There’s been another guy and another condom. More than one maybe.
The second thing I think is why does he have a condom with him to begin with? And lube. He puts it all over his hand and runs that hand up and down my cock and squeezes.
“Ethan—”
He quiets me with a kiss. “No talking,” he whispers, still stroking my dick.
I lie back and he gets on top of me. I feel a whirlwind of emotions as he lowers himself onto my cock. I’m in disbelief that this is happening now, finally, years later in a motel under these circumstances. But it doesn’t feel wrong. I run my hands up his thighs to his hips and hold him tight. I feel the tension in his muscles, the control, as he takes me inside him.
The physical sensations of what we’re doing take over my thoughts, and I close my eyes and let myselffeelhim, my body inside his, and I don’t think it’s ever felt this good before. I groan.
Ethan goes very still. I open my eyes and look at him. “Are you okay?”
He looks down at me and blinks. He nods.
I don’t know if I’d say he’s using me right now as he braces his hands on my shoulders and starts to ride me. Maybe we’re just using each other. This didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. In high school, maybe there’d been some rose petals and Boyz IIMen or something. We always got so close, but never went all the way. We barely managed to get halfway naked together because of how paranoid I was.
And a fucking coward.
I’m not a coward right now.
