CHAPTER FOUR
LILY CALLOWAY
Ryke and Connorleave after we establish a plan to track down the texter. Connor will call his private investigator and then the rest of us will start making a list of Lo’s enemies. I just hope I don’t see my face on the cover ofPeopletomorrow.
Lo is already in bed when I shut the bathroom door. The lamp bathes him in a warm light, and he looks content as he scribbles in a journal. The nightstand seems so bare without his glass of whiskey. We’re both going through a monumental change, and we haven’t even discussed our futures or anything serious since he’s been back. The texts kind of sent us into an immediate tailspin.
His gaze rises from his journal, and he studies me as I stand in the middle of the room, unsure about what to do.
I’ve lasted three months without sex, but I also didn’t have him here, in bed with me. The equivalent for Lo would be snuggling with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. Cuddling with my own vice seems dangerous, but I can’t be abstinent forever. I have to figure how to do this the right way.
“What’s wrong?” he asks and closes his journal, the pen sticking from the pages.
“We’re not going to have sex tonight?” I ask for the third time today.
“No, love, not tonight.”
I try to let the words sink in again, but they hurt and my chest tightens in return. It feels like rejection even though it shouldn’t. “Maybe I should sleep on the couch,” I say softly. “Until I get used to you being back.”Until I can stop thinking about you inside of me.
“I can handle you, Lil. I won’t let you break your vows.”
My vows. The four personal rules I set for myself, unlike the blacklist that my therapist set for me.
No porn.
No masturbation.
Less compulsivity during sex.
And never, ever cheat on Loren Hale.
How can four simple tasks feel so out of my control? Especially the third one. I hear what he’s saying, I do. But somewhere between his lips and my ears, everything distorts and my insecurities win out.
“I can be very persuasive,” I mutter.
His lips rise. “I think I’ll survive.”
“You’re a guy,” I remind him—as if this changeseverything.
He full-on grins. “That, I’m aware of.”
My anxiety peaks, unable to even relish in his sexy smile. “But if I’m on the couch, I won’t be tempted. And…and when I’m in bed with you, I know I’ll try to have sex with you, even when I know I shouldn’t.”
“Lily—”
“And I don’t want to be weak and begging, but it’s inevitable, right? You’re like my crack.”
“Lil—”
“That’s me: the pathetic, horny girl who jumps her boyfriend and keeps on doing it when he saysno.” I gasp. “Oh my God. I’m like a rapist. I’ll try to rape you every night.”
He touches my cheeks and I flinch back instantly.
“Whoa! When did you get over here?” My heart pounds so hard that it beats like a drum in my ears.
He doesn’t move away, his hands cup my face tenderly, his eyes full of raw concern.
“Did you get a superpower in rehab?” I ask in a small voice, already knowing the truth. I freaked out to a new degree, not even noticing him climb off the bed.
