Fletcher hesitated. He couldn’t decide how blunt to be, but if she was asking him for the full truth, he supposed he could give it to her. “I wanted to tell you sooner. I have no particular fondness for Rotherfeld, to be honest, but Beresford has become my friend, and I did not want to implicate him in anything, especially now that he has a child. So I couldn’t tell you in a letter.”
“No, of course not. Especially not because my mother has been intercepting my correspondence.” She shook her head. “What a fool I have been.”
“No. There’s no way you could have known. By rights, you shouldn’t even be able to conceive of this possibility. Ladies aren’t meant to know about such things.”
“Fletcher. Let me assure you, there are a lot of things we gently bred ladies aren’t meant to know yet still know.”
Well that was…useful to know. He wanted to ask about that, but he set it aside for later. “I just mean, you could not have known. The only reasonIknow is that Waring is one of my oldest friends, and we’ve discussed some of this at length, and even if I do not fully understand it, I understand that sometimes the heart wants what it wants. That desire and love are not always rational.”
“That is one way to put it.”
“I wanted you to have this information so that you might make an informed choice about whether to carry on with your engagement.”
“My misgivings about Rotherfeld mount by the day.” She stared into the distance before turning toward Fletcher. “But how do I confront him with this?”
“It could be that there is nothing to confront. Just because Rotherfeld and this Lieutenant Hanley are friends and seem close does not mean they are lovers. It does not mean Rotherfeld is stepping out on you.”
“But it makes sense. The fish kiss thing, for example. He does not seem to desire me at all. Is it possible for a man to preferonlyhis own sex?”
“Yes, I do believe that is possible.”
“Do you think that is the case for Rotherfeld?”
“I can’t know what’s in his heart or his head.”
Louisa frowned and looked at the ground. “Let me think on it more. What else did you want to tell me.”
Fletcher took a deep breath. Here he’d have to put his whole heart on the ground at her feet. He didn’t think anything less would win her over. No more equivocating. No talkingaround things. He started with, “I wanted to apologize for how we left things.”
“You said something cruel.”
“I know. But I did not intend it that way. I misspoke.”
“You misspoke?”
“I did not mean to imply that I’d marry you out of pity,” said Fletcher, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice. He did not want to mess this up again. “What Imeantis that all I want in this world is for you to be happy. If marrying Rotherfeld is what makes you happy, then I shall live with whatever comes next. But before you commit to him, I must tell you…” He sighed. He could not figure out how to say it in a way that would not make her run off again. “I’m making a hash of this again.”
She looked up and met his gaze. “Keep talking.”
“Iwantto marry you,” Fletcher said. “I do. I offered because I meant it sincerely.”
That seemed to take her aback. “But you saidif.”
“Yes,if.You should choose the man you believe will make you happy. I do not believe that is Rotherfeld, but if you do, then as I said, I shall live with it. I don’t want to pressure you into marriage, though. Should you choose me, I would be over the moon. But I want it to be your choice.” It didn’t come out sounding as strongly as Fletcher felt. Maybe he should have put more emotion into that little speech. Maybe he should—
“You want to marry me? Why have you never said anything?”
“I wish I had. I wish I’d thought of this years ago and offered before you ever met Rotherfeld. But I didn’t realize how I felt for you until you announced your engagement. I’ve beentelling myself for years that I don’t have romantic feelings for you. But it turns out I do.”
“You do.”
He had to just say it. To tell her plainly. “Louisa, you have long been one of my favorite people. We grew up together and we know each other well. You are clever and bold, and you make me laugh and you make me think. And you’re beautiful. You’re so brilliant and beautiful and I was a fool for not noticing it sooner. I have felt out of sorts since the moment Rotherfeld announced you’d consented to marry him and it’s because…well, it’s because I love you. I wish I’d realized it sooner, but I know it now like I know my own name.”
“You love me?”
“This is a delicate situation. Obviously I’d be thrilled if you threw over Rotherfeld and consented to marry me, but like I said, it must be your choice. But I thought you should…you should have all the information. Make an informed decision.”
Louisa stared at him. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but he couldn’t regret anything now. He’d said it all.
