Legs – Bit short and slightly on the hairy side. Very Ernie Wise. 6/10
Stomach – Podgy and saggy. Stretch marks. 5/10
Hips – Good grief! They’re enormous! 3/10
Breasts – What breasts? 1/10
Personal Grooming – Hell’s bells! Beam me up, Scotty! 0/10
‘I don’t even know if I can still do this,’ she murmured to herself, her panic increasing. ‘I’m an old lady. What if there’s a no entry sign down there? You hear about such things, don’t you? It might be Mission Impossible. Hell, when did I last trim my nose hair?’
Hair! It was proving to be the bane of her life. She’d always had fine hair on her head and worried that she didn’t have enough of it. Now she was obsessed with the possibility that she had way too much of it – just not in the right places.
What was she playing at? She was far too old for this sort of shenanigans. Past her best. She should be put out to grass, like old Jacob Armitage and Heatherstone. And there was Mac, all sexy and vibrant and utterly gorgeous. He’d wonder what the heck he’d got himself into. Could she bear to see the look of horror in his eyes when he realised what he’d saddled himself with?
There was a faint tap on the door.
‘Yes?’ she squeaked, then shook her head.Yes?What did that mean? This was his room, not the head teacher’s office. ‘You can come in.’
But only if you really, really must.
Evidently, he really, really must. He popped his head round the door and said, ‘All right?’
Seeing her tucked up in bed, he entered the room and closed the door behind him. He was wearing a clean T-shirt and boxer shorts. He looked lovely, and she envied the fact that he didn’t have to worry about whether he’d shavedhislegs – or anything else for that matter. Men had it so easy, didn’t they? She’d bet he hadn’t given a thought to how he looked or what she’d think of him.
He climbed into bed beside her. They both sat there, frozen.
‘I wasn’t sure if this was your side of the bed or not,’ she said at last. ‘I always sleep on this side you see and…’
He swallowed. ‘I usually sleep on this side, so it’s perfect.’
‘Oh good. That’s good, isn’t it?’
‘Really good.’
Silence.
‘I like your…’ She cast around for something she admired in the room. ‘Headboard.’
‘It’s new. I ordered it that day when I got the bed from Wansbeck’s. Remember?’
Ah yes. The shop where Drew had worked.
She saw the look of horror in his eyes when he realised what he’d said. Well, this was going well.
‘The bed’s very comfortable,’ she told him, bouncing gently up and down on the mattress.
‘Isn’t it? I tried it out in the shop. I’ve never bought a bed before. I was a bed-buying virgin.’
He gave her a feeble smile that didn’t mask the terror in his eyes.
Oh wow, he’s as scared as I am.
The realisation made her suddenly calmer. Braver.
‘I feel like an actual virgin right now,’ she told him. ‘I’ve never been so scared in my life.’
He gave her a worried look. ‘There’s no pressure, you know. If you don’t want to do this, you don’t have to. Please don’t feel like I’m expecting anything to happen. We can just have a cuddle and go to sleep if you like.’
