Said like that, he'd left me no choice. I had to agree or antagonize our spiritual leader, and the only person who could guide me on my shamanic journey. Besides, I needed a new supply of tea, and if I wanted to get it, I had to compromise.
"Fine," I said. "Half a dose every other day."
Saphir reached into his robes and produced a small pouch. "I had a feeling you'd want to do this."
Sneaky shaman. Somehow, he had known before coming here today that I would need more tea, and yet he had done everything he could to convince me not to do it.
"Thank you." I reached for the bag, but he wasn't ready to hand it over yet.
"If you feel yourself slipping too deep, pull back. Your life is more important than any intelligence you might gather."
"I understand."
He dropped the bag into my outstretched hand and rose. "I'll check on you tomorrow."
After he left, the apartment felt smaller somehow, the tension thick and uncomfortable.
Alar hadn't moved. He stood where I'd left him, his intense blue eyes fixed on me, and said nothing, which was worse than if he was yelling.
"I'm sorry," I said softly. "I know you don't want me to do this. But I have to."
"What I want is for you to be safe. That's all I've ever wanted." He closed the distance between us and pulled me into his arms. I went willingly, pressing my face against his chest, breathing in his familiar scent.
"Promise me that if it gets to be too much, if you feel yourself fading like you did after Podana, you'll stop."
"I promise."
His arms tightened around me. "I'm going to hold you to that."
Later, when the others retired to their room, I brewed the tea in the kitchen with Alar looming over me like it might jump from the cup and attack me.
"At least now I have a kitchen to prepare it in," I said to lighten the mood. "I wonder if it tastes any better when it's hot."
I took an experimental sip and grimaced. The tea tasted exactly as I remembered. It was bitter and earthy, with barely-there floral undertones.
Alar took a container of honey out of the cold closet. "Try sweetening it with this."
I shook my head. "I'm afraid to alter it in any way."
Nodding, he returned the container to the cold closet.
I took the tea to our bedroom and put it on the nightstand to cool while we went through our nighttime routine.
When I returned from the bathroom, I found Alar sitting on an armchair he'd dragged in from the common room.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Keeping watch."
"You can do it right here with me." I sat on the bed and patted the spot next to me. "Come on. It makes no sense for you to sit in a chair."
"I don't want to fall asleep. I had no idea what you were going through the night of the Podana attack. Shovia came into our room and told me to get dressed."
I shook my head. "There isn't much you can do for me if I'm dreaming because you can't get into my head and see what I'm dreaming about. You need to sleep. You have flight training tomorrow."
"I'm staying right here."
I knew better than to argue with him when he got like that. I finished the tea, set the empty cup aside, and lay back against the pillows. It was already working, a warm heaviness spreading through my limbs. The room seemed to soften at the edges, colors bleeding into one another.
