“I think so. I mean, don’t get me wrong, some days are harder than others. But I wouldn’t change it either.”
When we get to the top, he walks Goldfish a little further and tugs her to a stop.
I knew this place was beautiful, but it’sbreathtaking.The detail of nature is astounding, and living in Colorado, I’ve seen some picture perfect places, but this feels inherently more special.
“Incredible, isn’t it?”
I swallow, unable to speak over the rocks in my throat.
“Do you wonder if you made different decisions, you might have ended up somewhere else?” Cooper asks me.
It’s ahard question. I’ve gone through lists of them, wondering why I’ve always had to stand on the sidelines while I watch everyone get what I want or find what they had been looking for.
I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded, I’ve sobbed foryearsover what I’ve begged God to give me, and yet nothing. It’s frustrating, it’s overwhelming, but most of all it’s heartbreaking. I didn’t know it was possible for a heart to break so much.
“I’m not sure if a choice I’ve made would have resulted any differently. I don’t know that it would have gotten me closer to what I’ve dreamed of.”
“Tell me one,” Cooper says.
“One what?”
“Your dreams,” he says.
I’m glad he can’t look me in the eye because I’m afraid of what he’ll see.
But of all the things I’ve tried and pushed for. I don’t know that I can ever say I was truly brave enough to let him seeme— the inexperienced grown woman who’s quiet, doesn’t talk about much, yet knows I have so much love to give. I’ve never shown that part of myself to anyone until … Cooper.
“Mae?” Cooper asks.
I’m falling for you.
He was brave with me.
“This,” I rasp placing my hand over his. “A family of my own, a … a husband, kids. I’ve watched many of my friends find it. I’ve also seen many decide they don’t want it. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and a wife, and no matter how hard I try, I’m starting to think it’s something not meant for me.” My heart falls out of my chest, and I desperately want to hop off this horse and run into the woods, never to return. I always expect judgement when I tell someone what I’ve always wanted. I’ve never told a man though.
“That’s definitely not true,” Cooper says.
I huff. “How in the world would you know that?”
His large hand pulls me tighter to his chest, and Cooper dips his nose into my skin, kissing the rise between my shoulder and neck. “I see you, stubborn, and I have a feeling until now, you simply haven’t met the right man worthy of a woman like you.”
I want to understand what he sees that I don’t, but I keep my mouth shut. He could be right, or very wrong. Though the slowly growing part of me says he’s the one that will prove all the thoughts I have about myself — wrong.
Chapter 35
Mae
It’sbeentwodayssince I’ve seen Cooper, and I can’t stop thinking about him and the decisions I have to make. The hopeful part of me has already decided, but the logical side of me is saying,wait, think, what if?
What if I’m wrong? What if Cooper changes his mind?
If I say no to this promotion, am I putting all my eggs in a basket that was already full?
I’ve been working towards this for a long time, and spent many late nights convincing myself this is the path I’ve worked so hard for. I told myself, one day I could have it all. But I realize that maybe having it all isn’t worth the price I’ve paid and continue to keep paying. And I can’t look myself in the mirror every morning and tell myself I’m any further along than I was before.
The upside to today is that I think I can do this business thing. I met with Silver Hill Ranch today to be their exclusive supplier, from the brides and bridesmaids to the accent flowers for decoration, all the way to flower arches. I learned how to do those yesterday after googling how-to videos for an hour and learning how other florists do it across the country via social media. It’s not set in stone yet, but they seemed excited about the partnership.
I think I actually have a knack for arranging flowers, and the first person on my mind to tell the news wasn’t my aunt.
