I scoffed lightly, “Easier said than done. Have fun this weekend. I’ll be fine.”
Mama sighed resignedly and hugged me. “I’ll call you when I get back on Monday.”
“Okay.” I headed back into my office to a twirling daughter. “How do you not get dizzy?”
She only spun faster while she giggled.
Oh, how I envied her innocence and carefreeness.
This was my third meeting. The first two I attended just to see if this men’s group stood on business and to learn from them. I’d already told my frat brothers, Elijah and Marcus, about the Single Dad Society. Today was the first time they were here with me. The group, run by Jeffery Sommers, a single father and social worker, had twenty or so men in attendance who were open and vulnerable in ways I’d never experienced. They spoke of their challenges and self-doubt about being a good father. Some grew up with fathers, while others didn’t. I alwaysassumed that boys raised by their fathers would know how to be a parent and that only we, fatherless men, would flounder.
Clenching and unclenching my fists, I wondered if and when I would speak. Everyone here hadn't been thrust into fatherhood, except Marcus. Even the divorcedElijah knew about his child since his wife's pregnancy. These were men who embraced fatherhood and still needed support from othermen who struggled. Would I be judged if I admitted that I never wanted to be a father and that my determination to be in my daughter's life is more about lessening the scars of an absent father thatI still carried than wearing a badge of honor?
Jeffery smiled at the group. “We have time for one more brother to speak. I would love to hear from someone who hasn’t spoken today.”
Although there were a couple of guys who had been quiet like me, I swore a bullseye centered my forehead, and Jeffery made a direct hit. Elijah tapped my knee with his and nodded. I wanted to remind him I didn’t have to follow his rules, and then an image of a smiling Soraya broke through my stubbornness and pride.
I raised my hand.
“Aww…Jashaun or Ocean?” He noted the name on my t-shirt.
“Either one is me, depending on the day.”
Marcus teased, “Bruh, I think you’d rather stick with Ocean. Jashaun? That sounds like a tenth grader from the fifth ward. After all these years, I didn’t know that was your real name until right now.”
The group laughed.
“Stop it,Romeo, you play too damn much.” I shook my head, smiling, realizing his attempt to allay my nervousness.
Jeffrey chuckled lightly. “Alright. The floor is yours.”
I took a deep breath before I began speaking. “Hey, everyone. Name’s Jashaun. My story is a little different. Or maybe it isn’t. Not sure what to say. Ironically, just like my child, this single-dad group fell into my lap when your proposal hit my desk. I wouldn’t have looked at it twice six months ago, and yet here I am with friends, wondering if I’m supposed to be here.”
Elijah tapped his chest twice while Marcus nodded.
“Never been in a group like this. Never discussed my feelings except to my woman.”
A few men murmured their agreement.
“Um…” I caught Jeffery’s reassuring smile. “Not that I have friends who wouldn’t listen…I just pride myself on handling shit. I got my line name, Ocean, because of my flow, my ability to let challenges roll over my shoulders. Or I make it rough for the person who pushes me too far. Either way, I’ve been able to be successful in my life until one fateful Uber ride.”
Words began to slide out of my mouth the more I spoke.
“My child, a seven-year-old wonder, sat in front of me. Imagine that… a child I never knew existed showed up in the Uber I ordered. And the mother, a fling, tried to pretend otherwise. My whole world shifted when I saw the birthmark like mine.” I presented my wrist to the circle. “And though I’ve tried to roll with what life has given me, I feel like I’m failing most days. The love of my life decided to want me the same day I found out about Jussie, is threatening to leave me, probably already out the door, because I’m not quite ready for Jussie to know that our neighbor is also my woman. When I rejected Jussica’s mother’s attraction to me and confronted her about my anger towards her for keeping my baby away from me, she disappeared into the military, leaving me to deal with a child who was trying to make sense of so much at such a young age.”
I looked down. “I’m missing deadlines, and I don’t take care of myself anymore to juggle a demanding child and a womanwho has her own set of expectations. Weekly haircuts might be every three weeks…hell…I might grow locs at this point like yours, Jeff.” I pulled on my hair, and the group chuckled.
“I’m trying to be the best father I can be when I had no father or substitute to raise me. And to be honest, since this is what this group is about, I never wanted to be a father. Thought I made it this far without an unwanted child and prided myself that I’d been careful because I never wanted a child to ever feel like I did.”
“What’s that?” Jeffery quietly asked.
“To be outside looking in, wondering what I ever did to not have my daddy want me.” I drew in a rattled breath and ducked my head to wipe the tears I didn’t know had fallen until I tasted salt.
Elijah squeezed my shoulder.
“How do you feel saying it aloud? I see the tears,” Jeffery noted.
“Um…” I blinked and rested my elbows on my thighs, slightly rocking. “I always thought I was pissed with my father until Juss. When her mother left, she cried and had trouble sleeping for a long time, and then one day she told me she didn’t feel sad anymore because she still had me.” I looked around the room, and most of the men’s expressions were supportive. Some even had reddened eyes. “I realized then that maybe if I’d admitted the truth that I was hurt and sad about my father…That I grieved him instead of being angry when I was a child, I would’ve grown up to be a freer man and open to love long before now.”
