His wide eyes dance back and forth between mine, as he searches for the words. “It wouldn’t matter if I could just get you to North Carolina.”
“I can’t. You know that,” I whisper.
“No, youwon’t. There’s a difference. Your sister is here. Your brother could help too. Why does it all fall on you?” Leo asks angrily. He lets go of my face, ripping one hand through his hair aggressively. His jawline clenches under the thick beard covering it, and I fight the urge to drag a finger across it. He’s usually clean-shaven, especially when on active duty, and I’ve always loved the beard he grows on leave from the Army.
“Because I want to be the one to care for her. And you know damn well my brother won’t help our mom. And Ember is too scatterbrained to keep track of all the medications, appointments, and schedules.” Our father died about ten years ago, and our mother was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s only a few years later. We were hoping to keep her out of an assisted-living facility for as long as possible, but I don’t think we can hold off much longer. Even with me living with her in the house we moved into from Silver Mist Falls, she’s constantly getting into trouble. Mixing up medications, leaving things on the stove as it’s heating up. We took away her car keys, not knowing she had a spare. She crashed into a shallow pond only a mile from our neighborhood.
“I want to be with you, El. I don’t want this to end,” Leo confesses, closing his eyes as pain flashes across his face.
“You deserve someone who will excitedly wait for you through every deployment. Who you’ll marry and have kids with. Someonethat loves you so much, and loves North Carolina, and supports you unconditionally.”
His eyes open, and they’re filled with anger. “Are you saying you won’t do any of those things? That you don’t love me, or support me? What the fuck, Ella?”
It’s time to admit where my mind has been all these years. “I’ve had recurring nightmares for years, Leo.Years. It’s usually Alex coming to the door to tell me you’re dead. Or I find out on that stupid gossip website that you’ve been injured. I dream of your funeral. I wake up screaming most nights of the week. I am petrified of everything. I think about living in North Carolina, with no support at all, and finding out you’re dead. Then what do I do? How do I survive that? What if we’re married, and the chaplain arrives to tell me you’ve passed? Then I’d have to be the one to tell your family. I can’t do that. I can’t give them the worst pain they’ll ever experience. I thought, with time, I’d get used to military life. But it just getsworse.”
“I’ve been active duty for over ten years, and you’re just now admitting you’ve had nightmares? What the fuck, Ella? How can I help when I don’t even know there’s a problem?” Leo scrubs a hand over his face, taking his eyes off me to glance out the windshield. His head drops back against the headrest as he blows out a ragged breath. We’re still buckled in our seatbelts. He hasn’t even turned off the car. I just dropped all of this on him as soon as he stopped talking.
“I thought I could fight it all,” I confess, my voice trembling with emotion as I take in his profile. I desperately want to reach out to drag a finger along his jawline. Commit the feeling to memory. Tears fill my eyes as I realize I’ll never touch him again. Never kiss him. Feel the safety of his arms.
But I know this is for the best. Leo was made to be in the military. He’s a natural leader, incredibly brilliant, and thrives under pressure. Could I give him an ultimatum, and tell him to come home? Maybe. But he’d be miserable, and I can’t do that to him. Iwant him to do all the things he’s ever dreamed of. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but forcing Leo to come home so he can watch me care for my slowly dying mother won’t be happening.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this. Again. Right when I think we’re on the same page, you rip the rug out from under me. Again and again, El. Breaking up in high school was because of stupid shit, but the times you’ve ended things since then? Same song and dance about Eternity Springs, your mom, and having no friends in North Carolina. It’s always been your decision. Well, now it’s going to be mine. If you end this, it’s done. Forever. I’m not going to forget. I won’t come crawling back. I swear to you, I’ll never speak to you again.”
Another tear slides down my cheek, but Leo makes no effort to swipe it away. His gaze has turned cold and bitter. He knows what’s coming. I’ve never been one to handle ultimatums very well, but it wouldn’t matter if he hadn’t just given me one. My mind was made up before I got into his car.
“It’s time we move on,” I whisper, emotion clogging my throat. “You deserve to find a woman who meets all of your needs. I’m not the one.”
He chuckles sardonically. “What about you? You haven’t said one damn word about finding your perfect match.”
I shrug. “I have no intention of looking.”
His eyes widen. “So you’re claiming this is solely for me? So I can find someone else?”
“Yes and no. It’s for my peace of mind. I’ve started having panic attacks, Leo. I get so anxious I throw up. I can’t keep living like this, in a constant state of fear. I know I’ll never find a love like ours, and I don’t intend to try.”
He throws up his hands in frustration. “Are you fucking serious? You can’t be. This is complete bullshit.”
“I’ve never lied about how I felt about you. I just didn’t tell you about my fears.”
“Don’t act like you’re innocent because of a technicality. An omission is still a lie. This is unbelievable.” Unbuckling his seatbelt, he throws open his door. “I have to get some air.”
“What? Wait!” I shout, scrambling to get out of the car. I have to run to catch up with him, his long legs carrying him fifty feet up the trail before I grab his arm. “That’s it? That’s how this ends? What am I supposed to do?”
“Take my car and put the keys under the seat. I’ll get it later. I can’t be near you right now, Ella. You just broke my fucking heart, and I was about to … you know what? It doesn’t matter. None of this fucking matters. Go home, Ella. You got your wish. We’re done.”
I watch as he stalks away, and I silently cry. God, I love him so much. But I can’t keep doing this to myself. He shouldn’t want this for his life either. I know there’s a woman out there that’s perfect for him. She’ll have dinner on the table every night when he gets home from work, and she’ll excitedly welcome him home with a huge poster after a deployment. They’ll have gorgeous kids, and I’ll painfully smile as I see them around town when he comes back on vacation.
I wait for ten minutes, long since his silhouette slipped around a grove of Aspen trees, feeling the fraying of the invisible tether that has held us together. I send up a silent prayer. Am I doing the right thing? Sacrificing my happiness for his? I want so many things for Leo. He deserves the world. I hope he understands I’m giving him the opportunity to find a partner who matches him exactly where he is, instead of a childhood sweetheart who can’t seem to leave home.
I pull out my phone and call Gianna.
“Ella.”
“G. You need to talk to Leo. He needs you,” I say quietly, willing my voice to remain calm.
“I just spoke to him, Ella. What the hell did you do?” Gianna says angrily.
“I ended it. For good this time. We were living in a fairytale, thinking it would work. But we’re up at the trailhead for Elk Meadow Park. He told me to take his car back to town.” I sniff hard as I imagine Gia’s expression. “I want him to find happiness, G. He deserves to find someone who can give him everything he needs. Can you make sure he tries? That he gives up on me?”
