ELLA
EIGHT YEARS AGO
“This is dumb, El. You shouldn’t do this. You’re going to regret it,” my sister, Ember, says bluntly. With matching blonde hair and athletic builds, my older sister Ember and I could pass as twins. Our main difference is our eyes, with Ember’s eyes a much lighter blue than mine.
“I don’t see a reason to keep the relationship going,” I confess, my voice only slightly louder than a whisper. “I can’t move with Mom’s health the way it is. I know he’s going to ask me to move again, and since he reenlisted, I know he can’t move home. We’re in this relationship stalemate where we either break up, or one of us has to settle and be miserable.”
“You don’t know that you’d be miserable in North Carolina,” Ember says with a laugh. “You’re assuming you will be.”
“I will be miserable. I’ll be a nervous wreck being so far away from Mom. When Leo deploys, I’ll be alone, and it’s already a struggle to handle my emotions when he’s overseas. At least here, I have Mom, you, friends, the bookstore. I’d have nothing but him in North Carolina. And I don’t think it’s a good idea to start off living in North Carolina on that note.”
“That’s pretty dramatic, even for you. You’ve been dating sinceyou were teenagers. You aren’t starting anything. You’re continuing it. He’s the only person you’ve ever loved, and you’re throwing it away! Men like Leo Santo don’t come along too often.”
“Oh, I know. I won’t meet anyone even remotely like him,” I reply.
“And you’re still set on breaking up with him?” my sister asks.
I nod. “I’m doing this for him. He’s always wanted a family. Now he can meet someone local. Get married. Have a kid or two. He won’t have to worry about the panicked woman in his hometown who can’t seem to get out of Colorado.”
“Hadn’t you guys ever talked about having kids?” she asks.
“Yes and no. I’d always assumed he’d be back here if we had kids. I don’t want to be thousands of miles away from family, with no support structure, and try to juggle motherhood alone. I’m sure there are tons of women in the world who can handle that, but I’m not one of them. I can’t even handle the thought of moving an hour away from Eternity Springs.”
Ember sighs, stretching out on the well-loved couch in the middle of our bookstore. Purrfect Books has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. Ember reluctantly came along for the ride, but I’m pretty sure she’s here more for the cycle of cats that take up residence among the book stacks. I work with a local rescue by showcasing the cats who are available for adoption. In our first year, we were responsible for ten cat adoptions. Each year since, we’ve met, or beaten, that number.
“El, you’re making this decision without having a conversation with him. It’s not fair to him, and you know it.”
Oh, I know. I can already visualize how he’ll respond. The look he’ll get in his eyes as he cocks his head to the side and pleads with me to reconsider. It’ll be the same look he’s used on me when he wants to have dinner somewhere else, stay in instead of meeting friends, or watch a different movie. But he’s also given me that look every time we’ve broken up, and I know he’ll do it again.Those beautiful, dark brown eyes will beg me to think about things. His look will make me have second thoughts.
But I’ve been assessing our relationship for the past six months. The things we’ve said, and what we haven’t. How much anxiety it gives me to think about moving away from home, but also the crippling fear I have every time Leo deploys. We’re clearly in different places in our lives, and it’s time to move on. Leo will always be the greatest love of my life. No one will ever compare. I know this. Although I don’t see myself getting married or having children, I want him to have that opportunity.
“You’re going to regret this, El,” Ember says quietly, then nods toward the door as the bell rings, signaling someone has entered. “He’s looking way too happy, and I can’t sit here and watch you break his heart.”
Pain settles in my stomach, like I’ve swallowed a cement block. I turn to find Leo smiling happily as he strides toward me. “You ready, Ladybug? I’ve got something special planned for tonight.”
“Leo, can we talk first?” I ask tentatively. Standing, I walk toward the register where my sister keeps her head down, busying herself with unnecessary paperwork.
“We can talk when we get there. Come on, El. Time’s a-wasting.” Once I have my purse, Leo grabs my hand, pulling me toward the door.
As we get in the car and drive west toward the far outskirts of Eternity Springs, I notice how nervous Leo is. His left leg bounces, and his right hand taps the steering wheel in a repetitive pattern. And he talks nonstop. Leo is not a talker. He talks when spoken to, and he’ll inject information into some conversations, but his focus has always been on observation. He doesn’t give me any time to change the subject, and I certainly don’t have an opportunity to explain how I think we should stop seeing each other.
When he finally stops the car, I see that we’re at one of our favorite trails. Leo and I have always enjoyed the outdoors. Every time he’s been able to come home, we’ve hiked at least once. WhenI turn to see his boyish smile, I can’t help the words that tumble out of my mouth. “I can’t do this anymore.”
His smile slightly drops, confusion evident in his eyes. “Do what anymore?”
“This,” I say, gesturing back and forth between us. “You and me. It’s not fair to either one of us. You deserve someone who can meet you where you’re at. I’m not that girl.”
“What are you talking about? Yes, you are. I’ve known since the eighth grade that I wanted to marry you, Ella. I’d have done it years ago if I’d thought you would’ve said yes.” He grabs both of my hands, holding them tightly in his. “We can figure everything out in time.”
I shake my head, tears filling my eyes. “We’ve had enough time. We’ve never taken the next step because I think we’ve both known, subconsciously, that it would never work. I can’t leave Eternity Springs, Leo. And I don’t want to. I love it here. But I know you’ve always wanted to be elsewhere. We want different things.”
“I want you,” he says passionately, dropping my hands so he can cradle my face. “Just you, Ladybug. I’ll get out. I promise. I’m in for two more years, then I can be discharged. Just stick with me for two years.”
A tear cascades down my cheek, and he tenderly wipes it away. “You promised me you wouldn’t reenlist the last time, Leo. Then you didn’t even tell me you had. I read it onThe Eagle Has Landed. I was heartbroken. Then when we had dinner, I had to confront you about it.” Originally created as a town website,The Eagle Has Landedmorphed into a gossip site for our small town some time ago. While it’s routinely wrong, retractions are rarely issued, and I have no doubt some of their stories have caused breakups for no reason.
“Shit, baby,” he says quietly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that’s how you found out. You never told me that detail. I assumed one of my siblings told you.”
“That wouldn’t have been any better, would it?” I ask, my tonefull of accusation. “Your whole family knew before me, like I’m just some afterthought. I can’t take that heartbreak again. I know what will happen. You’ll get news of some village that needs to be occupied. Or you’re really close to ranking up. Or you want, or need, to avenge someone’s death. There will be some reason you have to reenlist.”
