He jumped a foot in the air thinking Tanner was still asleep.
“Worried, but fine,” Lance answered truthfully.
“Are you coming to bed?” Tanner sounded so small and lost, like he was worried that Lance would abandon him.
“If it’s alright with you,” Lance replied, pulling his shirt off and unzipping his jeans.
“I’m literally in your bed.”
“No, sweetheart, you’re inourbed.”
Tanner snorted and lifted the covers in invitation. Lance hesitated at the edge of the bed.
“How are you feeling?” Lance asked.
“Mortified.”
Lance sighed and tenderly brushed some of Tanner’s hair off his face. He couldn’t do much about Tanner’s shame. There were no quick fixes for that. Lance would just have to be there for him every day, proving to him that he was worth loving.
“You had a panic attack, Tanner,” Lance said, carefully. “You didn’t murder anyone.”
“Yeah, but it was over a damned envelope.”
“If you’re waiting for me to say that you were being overly dramatic and way out in left field, you’re going to be waiting along damned time, T.” Lance had no intentions of playing any fucked-up word games with Tanner. This back and forth was a waste of time.
With a tired sigh, Tanner eased back under the covers.
“I’d rather not sleep alone.”
Lance couldn’t resist the invitation—besides, he didn’t want to—so he slipped under the covers. Spooning Tanner from behind, Lance placed gentle kisses across his shoulders.
“It’s official, you know. You’re a civilian now. You’ve served your time. You’re done.”
“I know,” he acknowledged calmly. “I knew that I was no longer fit for active duty. Any kind of military duty. I knew—but I got so scared—” he trailed off. Lance hugged him tighter and remained silent.
“Over there—it wasn’t like the movies, you know. There was no torture chamber. No one tried to deprive us of sleep or starve us—we just—we sat around, for years. They kept us in this tiny little room with no windows. It was dark, and damp, and we only had light when the guards left one on in the next room and it would shine under our cell door, or when they’d feed us and turn on the lights for a few minutes at a time. They beat me for the first few days until it became clear that I had no good intel for them to use, so they held me as a possible bargaining chip. It was just dark, and lonely, and months and months of boredom made me feel like I was—clawing at the walls of my mind.”
Lance just listened, not trying to analyse anything for now. There would be time for that later.
“When I say it like that, it seems like nothing. And I guess itwasnothing—but I’m so fucking scared—so fucking scared of ever being sent there again. I’d rather die, Lance. I’d much,muchrather die.”
“You’re home, T. You’re home, and there’s light anytime you need it, and I’m here, anytime you need me. You’re home,okay? And no one—not the Army, not the devil, not even God, is ever going to send you back, you hear me?”
“I know,” Tanner agreed, nodding. “I know.”
Lance tightened his hold and kissed the back of his neck. There were still ghosts to be put to rest. Questions left unanswered. Trauma yet unresolved, but none of that mattered. They were together. They were whole. That was all that mattered, and if it was all they had, then it was more than enough.
“Get some sleep, sweetheart. We’ll still be home in the morning.”
“I know,” Tanner said, once more, sighing and burrowing deeper into Lance’s hold.
Chapter 17
No one mentioned the Department of the Army correspondence again. Tanner returned to work the very next day after the incident. No one treated him any differently than they had the day before. He’d spoken briefly with his sister on the phone, but even she had acted as if nothing had ever happened. Tanner had told Lance as much as they’d cuddled on the couch that night after work. His relief had been obvious, and the rest of their week had gone smoothly.
When Lance came home on Thursday night, he found Tanner’s truck already parked outside. Lance was running really late because of extended client meetings, so he wasn’t surprised that Tanner got home first.
“Tanner?” he yelled as he walked in the door.
