With a sigh, I sat down at my favorite tree and clutchedthe notebook of letters I’d been writing to James this past year.
It felt like the culmination of something great, and I was ready to take the final step. I’d left Seth with a note that asked him towait for me, but I had no idea if he had or if he was dating someone. Our texts were very superficial. Which I’d wanted and needed in the beginning, but now, I was ready for more.
With a sigh, I began my last letter to my beloved late husband.
James,
I think this is my last letter to you. You know I have a lot to thank you for. Because of you, I know what to look for in a man. In a partner, in a father for our children, in a husband. You’re irreplaceable, so he won’t be just like you, but maybe just a fraction of you will do.
I have a confession, my darling. Inside my heart, I’ve been growing feelings for another. I struggle with guilt over this, but then I remember the conversation we had where you said you just wanted me to be happy.
Seth makes me happy. He would make the twins happy, too. You would love him. I don’t want to let you go, but…I’m ready to move on from this season in my life. The season where I smell your shirt before bed and cry. The season where chocolate-covered pretzels make me think of you. Where I pass a man who looks like you from behind and my heart stops, thinking, in some alternate reality, you are still alive. I’m ready for a new season. A new journey that I can’t take you on. But I know we will meet again, and I just want to thank you for loving me the way you did when you were alive.
You taught me how to recognize a good man with a passionate heart for Jesus.
Love always,
Ella
Tears streamed down my face by the end of the letter, and I closed the book and nodded, blinking away tears.
That was it. My journey felt complete now. And I was ready for a new one. It had been nearly two years since James passed, and I felt like a completely different Ella.
I’d been waiting for this moment to come for months. The moment when I felt ready to step out of one place and into another, fully healed, fully ready to be present with something new.
I peered at my phone and did the time conversion. It would be early morning in Idaho, but not too early for a cattle rancher.
I dialed Seth, a little anxious because I had no idea how he was about to react to what I was going to say. He’d once asked me if I would ever consider him as more than a friend, and I’d basically asked him to put a pin in that thought for over a year.
He picked up on the first ring. “Is everything okay?” He sounded panicked. I never called unannounced.
I smiled. “Everything’s fine. Can you talk?” I asked.
“Yes.” He sounded hesitant, like he was expecting bad news.
“So the twins’ first birthday is coming up in a fewweeks. I had intended to come back to Idaho for it, but they’ve made little play friends…”
“Oh. You’re staying.” I could hear the hurt in his voice.
“Well, for the birthday, yes. But then I’d like to move back to Idaho the week after. I don’t think I can travel alone with the twins, and my mom is about to go on her book tour. I was wondering if you would want to fly to Paris for their birthday. I could show you around town and then you could fly home with me and the kids and help me manage the chaos?” It was a lot to ask, but my mom was about to go on a book tour for her book, and she couldn’t help. Anna was engaged, and Maggie was older?—
“I’d love to,” he said instantly, and I relaxed a little. I should have known that sweet Seth wouldn’t have changed.
“I know it’s short notice. I’m not even sure how expensive tickets will be. I didn’t really think this through. I just…can’t imagine the twins turning one without you there.” I spoke from my heart.
“I’ll be there no matter the cost. Maggie can watch my shadow.”
I frowned. “Your shadow?”
“Honey. We’ve become quite close. You might not get her back.”
I grinned, my stomach doing somersaults. “I miss her.”
“I miss you,” he blurted out, and my breath hitched.
A warmth spread throughout my chest at his words. “I miss you, too.” There was no guilt, just joy.
“I’ll send you my flight info,” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
