There is one thing that has been happening lately that I’m not sure how to deal with.
I’m lonely.
For the first time, I crave physical affection and love, and when I envision getting it from someone…I don’t envision you. That makes me feel sad and guilty but also maybe hopeful that I might love again, considering you are gone and aren’t here to hug me and kiss me and tell me I’m beautiful.
Life is hard, but the Lord keeps me close to Him, and I can’t complain. I am so blessed. Mom, the twins, and I are all healthy, and we have a wonderful life with all of our needs met.
I miss you but in a different way than before. I hope that’s not offensive. I hope that’s normal.
I love you always.
Ella
I knew that no one would ever read the letters, least of all James, so I just poured out one hundred percent honesty in them, and it felt like God had led me to the best way to heal. These letters.
Chapter Forty-Three
Seth
Many months later…
Ella had been gone almost a year. There was no talk of her returning in our text exchanges, and I was terrified she was going to stay, so I didn’t ask.
Honey pecked at some bacon I gave her, and I stared at her avocado-printed diaper. “You think your mom left you with me forever?” I asked the hen.
She stopped eating and cocked her head to the side.
But then I thought of the letter.
Wait for me.And I mustered up hope that Ella just needed more time. We were in contact, textingpictures of the chicken or the twins. We even phone chatted a bit with Maggie, but I was giving her space.
Still, it was two weeks until the twins’ first birthday, and I was starting to wonder if Ella was coming back.
Maybe she’d healed and realized she wanted to move on from Idaho and all things associated with her late husband, including me.
My dairy business had taken off, and I was buying more acreage twenty minutes south, but I wanted more than business success. I wanted love and a family.
Please, God, I prayed as I stared at a recent picture of Ella and the twins. She’d cut her hair short in a Parisian bob and looked gorgeous. My heart ached to know what she was thinking and how she was really doing on a deeper level, but I was waiting for her to take the lead.
Chapter Forty-Four
Ella
“Merci beaucoup,” I told the café worker as he gave me my croissant. I stared at the ringless finger on my hand and remarked on all the progress I’d made in my healing journey. My first three months in Paris, I barely remembered. I was keeping two humans alive, two adorable humans who were about to turn one year old in two weeks. I couldn’t believe it.
Then, I’d started to venture out into the city in the daytime while Jaqueline, my part-time nanny, watched the twins. And it was in those long walks around the city, the hours of reading my Bible on a park bench and talking to James like he was still right next to me, that I came to peace with my situation.
James had been my best friend in the whole world, and the greatest promise that Jesus gives us is that, if we believein Him, we will see our loved ones in Christ again. I was clinging to that and ready to move forward with life now.
Andre continued writing me letters from prison, telling me about how many souls he was leading to God and about the changes he was making in prison. It made my heart glad, and I could honestly say I’d forgiven the young man. He truly wasn’t the same person as the man who’d shot my husband. He was a new creation.
I passed by a beautiful church and reflected on my relationship with God. I’d been so angry in those early months of James’s loss. I’d gotten so far away from God, and now, I couldn’t be closer. I wanted God in my life every second of every day. I wanted Him in my children’s lives. I prayed in everything I did and felt fuller spiritually for it. And I knew I might not be in the healed place I was…if it hadn’t been for Seth.
We texted weekly, mostly pictures of the twins and Honey.
But I found myself missing him in a way I’d never thought possible since James died. My mom had been hounding me about the twins’ one-year birthday. The original plan was to move back to Idaho and have it there, but now, the twins had friends here, so my mom suggested having their one-year party here and also having it be a going-away party.
The thought of going back to Idaho without any help, to that house that I’d planned to spend my life with James in…felt weird. But staying here forever didn’t appeal to me, either. Because staying here meant never seeing Seth or Maggie or Honey again, and I wasn’t okay with that.
